Good day everyone. It is 14 Feb 2024. I am glad that you are here!! Thanks to Sam and Pax at IONOS (my web hosts)!!

I am pleased to restart this informational website. There is still a lot of divorces that are going on here in the USA, and people can always use our help. People are dating, and that is rarely ever easy.

I have recently met a man who is going through a divorce. He has 3 children. I met him through a mutual friend. Needless to say he is shocked and surprised and pained by some of the processes that are happening to him, his marriage, and his children. I have tried to help him where I can, offering information and thoughts but never any advice. The advice is for his attorney to provide. He has been separated for about 16 months and the divorce was final 9 January.

He has recommended two books that I would like to add to my reading list today. He has a friend who has gone through a divorce and claims that these two books helped him greatly:

MARK MANSON – Life Advice That Doesn’t Suck – https://markmanson.net

RYAN HOLIDAY – The Obstacle is the Way – https://ryanholiday.net

That will do it for today. Just a short post here. I hope you have a great weekend. I still believe in our 3 main pillars of this site:

HOPE HEALTH HAPPINESS

So long, BUOY 🙂

NOTE: THIS IS A TWO STEP PROCESS:
1. scroll through the topics below.
2. then scroll down to the actual blog and enjoy the contents.

+ A.1. DATING – MODERN ROMANCE BOOK REVIEW, PART TWO – Aug 2018
+ A.2. MARRIAGE – GROWTH OF DECAY? YOUR CHOICE?? – Aug 2018
+ A.3. OK, BACK TO DATING … FOR JUST A MOMENT – Aug 2018
+ A.4. DIVORCE OF KILL ‘EM! – Sep 2018
+ A.5. IDENTITY – WHAT IS YOUR IDENTITY?? – Oct 2018
+ A.6. WHO PAYS ON A DATE? (in your new life after divorce) – Oct 2018
+ A.7. LOVE; CAN YOU LOVE ANY BETTER?? – Oct 2018
+ A.8. MYTHS ABOUT MARRIAGE/DIVORCE – Oct 2018
+ A.9. ONE WORD (THAT MAY HELP YOU STAY POSITIVE??!!) – Oct 2018
+ A.10. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! – Nov 2018

+ B.1. DATING INFO – YES, THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE!!! – Dec 2018
+ B.2. CHRISTMAS 2018 – Dec 2018
+ B.3. ROMANCE – SOME THOUGHTS – Dec 2018
+ B.4. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YA!!! NOW WHAT?? – Jan 2019
+ B.5. DIVORCE – HOW TO RECOVER – Jan 2019
+ B.6. DIVORCE WITH GRACE – Feb 2019
+ B.7. SEX LIFE – HOW YOUR WORKOUT CAN IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE…REALLY!! – Mar 2019
+ B.8. SLEEPING WITH A PARTNER – IT CAN BE DONE!! 🙂 – Mar 2019
+ B.9. MATCHMAKING – AN ALTERNATIVE TO ONLINE DATING – Apr 2019
+ B.10. CLOAKING – A NEW WAY TO DISAPPEAR/CHANGE YOUR MIND?? – Apr 2019

+ C.1. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 1 – Feb 2018
+ C.2. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 2 – Mar 2018
+ C.3. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 3 – Mar 2018
+ C.4. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH (IJL) – Mar 2018
+ C.5. IT’S JUST LUNCH (IJL) STORY – Mar 2018
+ C.6. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 2 – Mar 2018
+ C.7. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 3 – Apr 2018
+ C.8. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 4 – Apr 2018
+ C.9. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 5 (THE FINALE) – Apr 2018
+ C.10. MARRIAGE MYTHS – TRUTH OR FICTION – Jun 2018

+ D.1. ABUSE AND DIVORCE – I HOPE THAT THIS SCENARIO IS NOT YOURS!! – Jun 2018
+ D.2. FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS – Jun 2018
+ D.3. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY 2018 – Jun 2018
+ D.4. DEATH OF A SPOUSE: DATIND AND MARRIAGE AFTER THEIR DEATH – Jun 2018
+ D.5. ENDING A RELATIONSHIP – IT COULD BE POSITIVE?? – Jun 2018
+ D.6. DATING – HOW IS YOUR ATTRACTION WITH YOUR DATE? – Jun 2018
+ D.7. KISSING 101 – HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT IT?? DOES IT MATTER?? – Jul 2018
+ D.8. KISSING 101 – PART 2 – Jul 2018
+ D.9. DIVORCE – YOU (2) CAN FIX IT! – Aug 2018
+ D.10. KISSING 101 – PART 3 – Aug 2018

+ E.1. DATING – MODERN ROMANCE BOOK REVIEW, PART ONE – Aug 2018
+ E.2. DIVORCE…GET OVER IT!! – Mar 2017
+ E.3. MARRIAGE – OPEN OR CLOSED?? – Jun 2017
+ E.4. TAXES AND DIVORCE – BE SMART WITH YOUR $$$ – Jun 2017
+ E.5. WHY YOU WILL MARRY THE WRONG PERSON – Jun 2017
+ E.6. DATING, PART 1 – FITNESS SINGLES – Jul 2017
+ E.7. DIVORCE – A MARITAL ‘PRISON’ – Jul 2017
+ E.8. TALK – IT IS NOT THAT HARD!!! – Aug 2017
+ E.9. SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE – LOVE HACKS WILL WORK? – Sep 2017
+ E.10. DATING, PART 2 – EHARMONY – Oct 2017

+ F.1. HOW TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP (REALLY!!) – Oct 2017
+ F.2. THE SECRET TO MARRIAGE IS NEVER GETTING MARRIED – Oct 2017
+ F.3. THANKSGIVING: WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?? – Nov 2017
+ F.4. DATING … SUCKS!! BUT, WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE?? – Dec 2017
+ F.5. $$$ AND A RELATIONSHIP … – Dec 2017
+ F.6. DATING – SMALL TALK – Dec 2017
+ F.7. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL … HOPE, HEALTH, AND HAPPINESS – Dec 2017
+ F.8. HAPPY NEW YEAR – 2018 – WHAT WILL YOU MAKE OF IT?? – Jan 2018
+ F.9. BETTER RELATIONSHIP – IS IT POSSIBLE?? – Jan 2018
+ F.10. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY (TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE) – Feb 2018

+ G.1. LONELINESS (ON VALENTINES DAY) – YA FEELIN’ IT?? – Feb 2018
+ G.2. WELCOME BACK! – Oct 2016
+ G.3. I AM BACK…GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE!! – Nov 2016
+ G.4. VETERANS DAY 2016 – I APPRECIATE YOUR SERVICE! – Nov 2016
+ G.5. DIVORCE POISON – A BOOK FOR ‘SURVIVAL’ (IF YOU HAD KIDS) – Nov 2016
+ G.6. CONQUER REGRETS AFTER TAKING AN EMOTIONAL RISK – Nov 2016
+ G.7. HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2016 – Nov 2016
+ G.8. THE JOURNEY, YOGA, AND HALLELUJAH – Nov 2016
+ G.9. AFTER A BREAK UP, AN APP TO HELP YOU BREATHE, THEN RUN – Dec 2016
+ G.10. FIND A LAWYER – GOOD LUCK(YOU MAY WANT TO USE THE BAR ASSOCIATION OF YOUR STATE?) Dec 2016

+ H.1. LIFE GOES ON (IF YOU CHOSE IT TO GO ON!!) – Dec 2016
+ H.2. MERRY CHRISTMAS: HAPPY HOLIDAYS: A TRIBUTE TO MY BUDDY D.H. – Dec 2016
+ H.3. HAPPY NEW YEAR: WELCOME 2017 – Jan 2018
+ H.4. DAMAGED GOODS??!! LOVE YOURSELF and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF – Jan 2017
+ H.5. R U SCARRED AND SCARED?? – Jan 2017
+H.6. DIVORCE WILL MAKE YOU ‘OLD’: “YOUNGER NEXT YEAR” – Jan 2017
+ H.7. DATING – IS THERE A TIMELINE?? (RESONANCE) – Jan 2017
+ H.8. DATING – IT’S A NUMBERS GAME 5 REASONS THAT MARRIAGE DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE – YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!! – Feb 2017
+ H.9. 5 REASONS THAT MARRIAGE DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE – YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!!
+ H.10. TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND NAMED D.H. and … PLEASE TALK … JUST TALK – Mar 2017

+ I.1. SEX – YES, LET US TALK ABOUT SEX – Mar 2017
+ I.2. WHY AREN’T MORE PEOPLE MARRYING? ASK WOMEN WHAT DATING IS LIKE – Nov 2023
+ I.3. WHY, AND HOW, TO BREAK UP WITH OLD FRIENDS – Nov 2023
+ I.4. WHEN ONE PARTNER WANTS MORE SEX THAN THE OTHER – Aug 2023
+ I.5. 10 SUITORS, 6 FIRST KISSES AND STILL SINGLE: IT’S ‘DATING WRAPPED’ – Dec 2023
+ I.6. LONELINESS ISN’T JUST BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH – IT’S DEADLY – Dec 2023
+ I.7. BAD DATES TURN OUT TO BE EXCELLENT ON TIKTOK – Dec 2023
+ I.8. IN THE DATING WORLD, CRAFTING THE PERFECT MESSAGE IS IT’S OWN ART FORM – Dec 2023
+ I.9. WHAT IS A ‘BEIGE FLAG’? – Dec 2023
+I.10.

+ J.1. HOW TO FIND LOVE RIGHT NOW, ACCORDING TO 9 DATING COACHES – Dec 2023
+ J.2. DATING AFTER 60: A LOT OF ROSES, SOME THORNS – Dec 2023
+ J.3. AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG THINKS WE’RE ALL FORGETTING HOW TO FLIRT – Dec 2023
+ J.4. WATCH OUT FOR THIS COMMON INTIMACY KILLER – DEC 2023
+ J.5. DON’T WORRY, HE’S ALL RIGHT, ACCORDING TO AT LEAST ONE WOMAN – Dec 2023
+ J.6. WAS I MARRIED TO STRANGER? – Dec 2023
+ J.7. DATING IN YOUR 70s HAS NEVER BEEN THIS MUCH FUN – Dec 2023
+ J.8. 9 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IN 2024 – Jan 2024
+ J.9. GOOD NEWS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH YOUR SPOUSE – Jan 2024
+ J.10. 8 SEX MYTHS THAT EXPERTS WISH WOULD GO AWAY – Jan 2024

+ K.1. 10 WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IN 2024 – Jan 2024
+ K.2. 20 YEARS SEARCHING FOR WORKOUTS HAS TAUGHT ME THESE 10 THINGS – Jan 2024
+ K.3. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO DRESS YOUR AGE? – Jan 2024
+ K.4. VALENTINE’S DAY 2024 – Feb 2024
+K.5. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ME! WHY ‘SELF GIFTING’ IS ON THE RISE – Feb 2024

+ A.1. DATING – MODERN ROMANCE BOOK REVIEW, PART TWO

DivorceBuoy Aug 23, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com peeps. Here is another look at the book by Aziz Ansari called MODERN ROMANCE. I highly recommend this book to ya. I think you’ll find it funny, insightful, and possibly educational…really!

Chap 3 – The Initial Ask. “Asking someone out on a date is a simple task that frequently becomes a terrifying conundrum of fear, self-doubt, and anxiety.”

“For the modern dater the first decision is picking the medium to use: call or text. Some people even throw email or social media messaging into the mix.”

“A quick note: The numbers show that men are still overwhelmingly the ones expected to initiate the first ask.”

“The Modern Bozo One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos.”

“After seeing hundreds and hundreds of messages in women’s phones, I can definitively say that most of the texts women receive are, sadly, utterly lacking in either thought or personality.”

“In any interviews we did, whenever bad grammar or spelling popped up, it was an immediate and major turn-off. Women seemed to view it as a clear indicator that a dude was a bozo.”

“Not all guys are bozos. We also found some really great texts that gave me hope for the modern man.”

Chap 4 – Online Dating

“Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have.”

A person named Rudder – “Rudder told us that he estimates that photos drive 90 percent of the action in online dating.”

Ok, enough for today. Buy the book. Lots of other good info in the book to keep you entertained and laughing. It might even help you in your dating.

Enjoy the end of summer, depending upon where you live. If you are below the equator, spring is on the way.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Buoy

+ A.2. MARRIAGE – GROWTH OR DECAY? YOUR CHOICE??

DivorceBuoy Aug 26, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. The last item on my list tonight is to write a blog about your marriage. The idea came to me when I was reading the end of a great book titled YOUNGER NEXT YEAR by Chris Crowley and Dr. Henry S. Lodge. I highly recommend that book for older people. How about folks 45 yrs old and older?? On the cover page, it states “Live Strong, Fit and Sexy – Until you’re 80 and Beyond.”

How does this book apply to your marriage? Well, as I look back on my marriage I can see that there was growth, or as Anzari says the passionate stage and then the compassionate stage. Then comes the milestone in my marriage – growth or decay. For me, decay began when the other partner stopped trying. There were possible fun evenings. Declined by my spouse. There were possible fun trips. Declined by my spouse. Once decay starts, it’s very hard to reverse that trend, cycle.

Growth – It takes effort to grow, just like when we were kids. We must eat, be fed, be stimulated mentally and secured emotionally. It takes two in a marriage to make it grow, and when one quits then it’s probably over. Sad, but true.

On page 312 of YOUNGER NEXT YEAR (and there is a newer book out for women with a similar title), Harry states, “The science of growth or decay ranges across many disciplines, and there are no standard textbooks on the subject, so the details in this book are drawn from hundreds of articles, papers, and reference books. To make the science accessible, we distilled all that into a single, coherent story. It’s accurate, but drastically condensed and simplified, with all the inevitable compromises that entails, but any errors in the science are mine alone.”

So I am back ‘on topic’. Divorce. What a painful experience! What a painful experience for your children. For most of the people contemplating divorce, the easier path is divorce, vice effort. You might find that effort a bit easier if you can stem the decay, stop the bleeding so to say, and begin the growth anew. As you see everyday on this planet, most items can be ‘reborn’ if there is even a sliver of the former life still living. Yes, the biggest challenge that you might have is to convince your spouse to stop the decay. Good luck on that one.

All for now.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Grow…the other option is not so good.

Buoy

+ A.3. OK, BACK TO DATING…FOR JUST A MOMENT

DivorceBuoy Aug 30, 2018

Remember, I have said that there is life after divorce. Dating can be part of that life. I came across a pretty good article tonight titled TIRED OF SWIPING RIGHT, SOME SINGLES TRY SLOW DATING

This article is generally focused on the 20-30 age group. The article discusses the challenges of dating in the modern world and the alternatives to use to find success.

Younger daters exhausted by larger apps like TINDER have found ways to meet possible partners by considering fewer of them.

Good luck out there.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

Casey-Leigh Jordan has been on and off dating app Tinder for the past four years but recently deleted it in a fit of frustration. She had been talking to a man on the app and scheduled a time to meet up that day, but when she messaged him to confirm, he disappeared.

“Dating sucks in New York,” says Ms. Jordan, a 31-year-old manager at a hair salon New York City. “There are so many options, and it can be really overwhelming.”

After struggling to meet people without apps, she downloaded the app Hinge, which seemed like a happy medium. The app’s incorporation of icebreaker questions and more detailed profiles made her connections feel more substantial. “I still wish there were more ways to meet people organically and in person,” she says. “People are different when they talk to you from behind a screen.”

Millennials like her who have spent years rapidly swiping through singles are looking to slow down dating. Zeroing in on fewer possible partners with more potential feels like a relief to them.

Ms. Jordan says she believes some dating apps encourage bad behavior. One guy drank a whole pitcher of margaritas on their weeknight date. Another turned out to be in a relationship already. Several others “ghosted” her—stopped communication without explanation. Eventually she put a disclaimer in her profile: no “pen pals,” or people just in town for one night, no hookups, and “no scrubs,” or freeloaders.

“It’s a constant theme in the history of dating that people are stressed out about it,” says Moira Weigel, dating historian and author of “Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating.”

“But apps have created a fatigue that is qualitatively new because an app is never not there. There is something new about the intensity with which these apps wear people out.”

The $2.9 billion dating industry has seen a 140% increase in revenue since 2009, according to a report from market research firm IBISWorld. Mobile dating services have represented the fastest-growing segment of the industry and account for 31% of total industry revenue. A spokeswoman for Match Group says downloads of Tinder’s app remain consistent on a world-wide and domestic basis. She didn’t provide user numbers.

Darril George, a 39-year-old financial planner in Atlanta, had grown weary of online dating when his friend Dani Johnson invited him to join an experiment she was creating: a dating club called Black Gentry. “It feels very manufactured when you get onto Tinder or Bumble and you end up on an assembly line of dates,” he says.

Ms. Johnson set up a group chat and began to plan meetups for the 40 single members. There were a few core requirements to join: Participants were all in their late 20s to late 30s, African-American and vetted in person before attending.

The group met at bars and participated in activities like laser tag. One night they played a game of Jenga with questions or prompts on each wooden piece like “hold your partner’s hand until the next turn.” In the group chat, participants discussed their expectations and experiences with dating. The project led to more than a dozen successful dates and four couples within the group. Another 10 people found partners outside the group or rekindled romances with past partners.

“An unintended outcome was that by slowing dating down and talking about goals and values, people were able to think about how they were showing up in their relationships and engaging others,” Ms. Johnson says.

Slower options continue to gain popularity. Offline dating service Three Day Rule offers dating coaching and handpicked partners. Prices start at $4,500 for three months. The company doubled its revenue last year and expanded to its 10th city in the U.S. in June.

Once, a platform that sends users just one potential match each day, launched in October 2015 in France and expanded to the U.S. in April. The app hit 7 million downloads globally in May.

Match, which owns Tinder and OkCupid, is eyeing slow dating as well. In June, it acquired Hinge, which positions itself as a more deliberate alternative to gamelike dating services like Tinder.

Hinge saw its user base grow by more than 400% after redesigning the platform in 2017 to eliminate its swiping feature after learning 80% of its users had never found a long-term relationship on a dating app, according to Justin McLeod, Hinge’s CEO and co-founder. The changes were meant to foster more selectivity. Heterosexual men swipe right or “like” 70% of women on swiping apps but “like” just 20% on Hinge, he says.

“Some apps flatten people and objectify them, making them into a little card you can swipe through,” Mr. McLeod says. “Packaging people like fast-food items makes you forget there is a human on the other side of the app.”

For those who reject apps outright, there’s always the old-fashioned practice of meeting people in person, an experiment that Susan, a 34-year-old nonprofit director in Texas, began this year. She recently gave a man her number while shopping at Old Navy. She has handed business cards to men at the airport and in the park. She’s currently seeing a man she met at a swing-dancing night. A return to real-life dating feels revolutionary in this age, says Susan, who asked that her last name not be used.

“This is a more natural approach and it’s what we should have been doing all along,” she says. “It is a sad millennial age we live in when we are already addicted to our phones and we are relying on our phones to make our dating decisions.”

+ A.4. DIVORCE OR KILL ‘EM!

DivorceBuoy Sep 30, 2018

Good evening divorcebuoy folks. How are you on this fall weekend?

The title of this post was told to me by a woman who was sort of joking about making choices related to her marriage. We would hope that if she wanted to get rid of her husband that she would make the better choice and divorce him??

I have never met a man that I did not consider that I wanted to kill him or divorce him! This is from a different wonderful woman who I figure is in her early 40s and who has never been married. Wow, that is some emotion being played out in everyday life!! The woman who made this statement is an outgoing, attractive, really fit athlete (2 full Ironman competitions) who you think would make someone really happy. It does not appear that she is being overly selective? Part of her challenge is that she might be starting to feel the ‘marriage pressure’. That she will be reaching the mid 40 yrs of life, unmarried, and may consider getting married before it’s to late and possibly marry the wrong person?? Is the same true for the fellas? Yes, the woman have a birthing biological clock that adds to some of the pressures some women feel.

All for now. Part of the challenge for the rest of you single folks is to make the right decision in the first place! Then you will not have to worry about killing or divorcing. Just loving!

Remember, you have two basic choice!! GROWTH OR DECAY. Good luck with that.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

+ A.5. IDENTITY – WHAT IS YOUR IDENTITY??

DivorceBuoy Oct 3, 2018

Good evening everyone.

Identity – it is a word that I have come to analyze quite often over the last few years. Identity defines you.

Can you shape your identity? I would say the answer to that question is – yes.

What does your identity have to do with divorcebuoy? Divorce can happen because of what your identity is or what the identity of your spouse is, whether good or bad. People’s identity’s can change over time and be influenced by outside events. Some identities can change because you are young and maturing. That is part of the challenge of young couples as they are still evolving as young adults and they may not evolve at a similar rate or in the same direction.

Your name. If you are a woman should you take the name of your husband in marriage? Talk about an identity change and being somewhat vulnerable. Just an opinion here, no real scientific fact, but I would say that it is better for a woman to keep her maiden name when marriage is near. I’d also state that I feel that once a woman is divorced that it may be the right idea to return to your maiden name.

Identity and divorce. How many people change their identity when divorced. Some folks move to a new area. Some folks are forced to get new friends. Some folks stop going to their children’s activities due to circumstances. All of the those changes in identity could be stressful, especially if it is related to where you live, who you socialize with, and maybe a change of jobs. Hopefully you have friends and family to help you through it.

All for now. Good luck in shaping your identity. Yes, you can drive it if you wish.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ A.6. WHO PAYS ON A DATE (in your new life after divorce)

DivorceBuoy Oct 4, 2018

Yes people, there is life after divorce. But you have gotta be willing to get out there. Yes, a large percentage of the people state that dating SUCKS! However, what are your choices? Stay home? Go back to the high school days and go out in groups where it is ‘safe’?

But, let us say that you have ventured out and that you are on a date. Congrats! The time comes up to pay the bill and the possible question arises – who pays?

This is a wonderful article on the subject that might provide insight for you and help you decide.

WHO PAYS ON A DATE? THAT’S STILL A COMPLICATED QUESTION

“While there’s no dating script these days, both men and women are often uncomfortable when a woman offers to pay.”

Take a look and enjoy that date and bypass that potentially uncomfortable moment.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

Elliott Katz believes a man should treat on a date. But when he pulled out his wallet at the ticket counter of a movie theater awhile back, the woman he was with pulled hers out, too.

Mr. Katz hurried and paid. His date offered him money. He declined, explaining that it was his pleasure to take her out. She offered again. Mr. Katz declined again.

Then his date asked the ticket seller for exact change and thrust the cash at him. Mr. Katz says he was surprised. “I believe a man should pay for the first and subsequent dates to make the woman feel special,” says the 53-year-old writer, who lives in Toronto. “But she insisted I take the money.”

Who should pick up the tab for date? Is paying a sign of caring, or power? No one really knows anymore. And the question is only becoming more baffling in the #MeToo era.

In a study of more than 17,000 unmarried heterosexual men and women published in November 2015 in Sage Open, an open-access academic journal, 76% of men said they feel guilty if they don’t pay on a date. Yet 64% believed women should contribute to the bill, and nearly half said they would stop dating a woman who never pays.

Meanwhile, 40% of women said they were bothered when men wouldn’t accept their offer to pay, 39% wished men would reject their offers, and 44% said they were bothered when men expected them to help pay.

There is no longer a dating script, says David Frederick, associate professor of psychology at Chapman University in Orange, Calif., and a co-author on the study. “Many women will offer to pay, and so men are in a bit of a pickle as they try to figure out if it’s a genuine offer, or if it’s part of a dating ritual,” he says.

Dr. Frederick, who is 38, says that before he met his girlfriend he navigated this scenario with a “sleight of hand.” “If the woman made an offer to pay, I usually took the strategy of saying; ‘No, no, I’ve got it. You can get it next time.’ ”

He says this was a safe strategy because some women would have lost interest if he split the bill; it allowed him to be generous while also showing that he supports equality; and it helped him figure out what the woman really wanted.

Julie Laipple, a 49-year-old manager of a bookstore in Rome, Ga., says she always reaches for her purse when the check comes. But the men she has dated have refused to let her contribute. “I think my offer to pay is a way to show that I can be independent and take care of myself,” she says. “But I concede when they refuse, and I thank them.”

Victoria Kent prefers to split checks. The 36-year-old public relations representative in Chicago has gone Dutch with her boyfriend since the beginning of their relationship a year ago. “I don’t like to feel like I’m indebted to anyone and like to start out on equal footing,” says Ms. Kent.

Traditionally, men have paid for courtship because men had the money. They thought of themselves as chivalrous, respectful and protective when they paid. Then women entered the workforce, the feminist movement attempted to level the playing field, and women began offering to pay. They want to signal their independence, show that they aren’t looking for a free ride, and prevent the perception that they owe their date anything.

The Sage Open study found that nearly half of women aged 55 and older and a fifth of women aged 18 to 25 prefer to pay on a date because it makes them feel less pressured to engage in sexual activity later. Sixteen percent of all male participants said they expected sex if they paid for the date.

Although no one wants to admit it, both men and women are often still uncomfortable when a women offers to pay on a date. Men sometimes feel emasculated. They also wonder if a woman’s insistence on paying is a signal that she isn’t interested in them romantically. And many women—even the most independently minded—feel that when a man lets them pay, he’s not a gentleman and he’s not that serious.

“You will be hard-pressed to find a woman who doesn’t feel at least a hiccup of hesitation if a guy were to let her pay on the first date,” says Kerry Cronin, associate director of the Lonergan Institute at Boston College, a philosophy research organization, who lectures about dating on college campuses. “We are all about equality and not wanting to be controlled and not wanting to be expected to have sex. But the reality is that there are these deeply held meanings and values about dating and how we want to be treated.”

There is an evolutionary reason for this, says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University Bloomington. “Women want to know if a man will spend his resources on her,” she says. “For millions of years they needed a partner to provide for their young, and they keep looking for that signal.”

So what’s a courting couple to do? Splitting the check doesn’t seem quite right, says Boston College’s Dr. Cronin. “It feels like we are two individuals who just arrived at the coffee shop at the same time,” she says. “And a date feels like it should be an opportunity to care and treat another person.” She tells students that whoever asked for the date should pay.

Mr. Katz continued to see the woman who had insisted he take her money at the movie theater—at least for a while. After that first outing, he always let her pay for herself.

Then one day she told Mr. Katz that she was hurt he never treated her. Stunned, he reminded her how she’d insisted on paying for herself on the first date and said he thought he’d been respecting her wishes.

Her response? “She said I should have tried again,” he says.

‘I’ve Got This’: Expert Tips to Help Navigate Dating’s Tricky Financial Side

How should you deal with the financial part of dating? Here are some tips from Kerry Cronin, associate director of the Lonergan Institute at Boston College, who lectures about dating on college campuses.

Dates shouldn’t be expensive. “This sets the wrong context and creates an awkward expense differential that leads to misunderstandings,” Dr. Cronin says.

Never split the bill. This defeats the purpose, which is to show you care for the other person and see the situation as special. “Friends split the bill,” Dr. Cronin says. She recommends taking turns paying. That way both people get to demonstrate their generosity—“and the desire not to be a user,” she says.

The person who asks for the date pays—and plans it, too.

If you are a woman asking a man out, tell him you will be treating and explain that it is because you asked him out. This will give him time to work out his feelings, Dr. Cronin says. And it will signal to him that this isn’t a test—that you aren’t offering to pay but secretly hoping he does.

Learn to play the Bill Paying Dance. If you are the person being treated, reach for your wallet. Don’t grab the bill. Dr. Cronin says the “asker” should say: “No, no, I’ve got this.” The “recipient” should respond: “Oh that’s really nice of you. Can I help you with the bill or the tip?” The asker replies: “No, this is my treat. You can get it next time.” (Only say “next time” if you want a next time.) The recipient then says: “Thank you very much. I really enjoyed this.”

Repeat the thank you in a message the day after the date. Signal whether you want another one. “It was nice to meet you. Thanks so much for the drink. Let’s do it again sometime.” Or “Thanks so much. It was nice to meet you.”

+ A.7. LOVE; CAN YOU LOVE ANY BETTER??

DivorceBuoy Oct 11, 2018

Ok, here ya go. How about we examine ourselves here instead at looking at our spouse? Yes, my focus here is on divorce although this blog could also apply to all of our relationships.

Can you love any better? Chances are that we can all love better than we are loving now. Would you agree? I know that I can always improve, and yes, the blog about kissing did enlighten me a bit.

“Readers of Modern Love may want a good story, but they’re also hungry for advice that can help them navigate the baffling world of relationships. Every year, our most popular essays offer lessons on how to find love or keep it – tips, rules and surprising strategies.”

“This year’s most-read columns delivered wisdom about living with a slob, exposing your vulnerabilities, finding the sliver lining in breakups and more. Here’s a sampling of what they seem to suggest, whether subtly or directly, humorously or tragically. May you be a better partner, spouse, parent or friend in 2018.”

Be willing to market your spouse, if necessary.
Realize that your charming quirks get less so over time.
Don’t be to reliable.
If tragedy strikes during a hookup, get dressed immediately.
Come out, come out, wherever you are (and at any age).
Don’t treat your love search like a job search.
Allow your partner to keep some secrets.
Define romance broadly.
Be grateful for breakups.
If you only want one lover, don’t match with 1,946.

There you have it. Some advice to go along with your gut and your feelings. Good luck to ya. Most people do not feel that dating is easy, but there can be life after divorce

Sometimes the best solution is to put in a little more effort into your marriage and then maybe you will not have to date?

All for now.

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ A.8. MYTHS ABOUT MARRIAGE/DIVORCE

DivorceBuoy Oct 17, 2018

Good evening divorcebuoy folks. How are ya? Depending upon where you live there might be a change of seasons where it is getting colder (I have had snow already) or maybe you are getting warmer.

?What is the temperature of your marriage? Is it getting warmer or colder?

There was a good article in the Washington Post many months ago that sort of discussed what the author felt were the myths related to marriage and discussed divorce. Maybe you will agree with the author, maybe you will be at odds with the author but the info will at least give you food for thought and it might help you save your marriage??

Here is a short summary of the 5 myths discussed by the author:

1. Common interests keep you together. I would disagree with the author. All of my US Navy friends have stayed married!! All of them, and the ones who seem most happy are the ones who have overlapping interests!

2. Never go to bed angry. I would also disagree with the author, believing that the most successful couples that I have met have almost always mentioned this a rule #1!! From my own personal experience I have found that the longer an item of discourse remains inside someone, whether it be a spouse or friend, then the worse it is when it finally comes out.

3. Couples therapy is for fixing a broken marriage. To me, the simple fact is that people need to talk. Sort of simple, but sometimes harder to comply with. After you have been with someone for a while you can tell if they are upset and that something is bothering them. Get it out!!

4. Affairs are the main cause of divorce. Well, I’ve gotta just go with what seems to be the numbers on this one. No doubt that someone who is unfaithful is cruel and hurting their spouse. They can make all of the excuses they want but there is not ever a good reason to have an affair!! Get a divorce instead!!

5. Marriages benefit from a relationship contract. Humm, never heard of that. Maybe so??

All for now.

Choice – growth or decay?

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ A.9. ONE WORD (THAT MAY HELP YOU STAY POSITIVE??!!)

DivorceBuoy Oct 28, 2018

Hello divorcebuoy folks. How are ya?

What would this world be without friends?

I have a friend from 1990 (28 yrs) who I had the pleasure of talking with last Friday. He recommended a book to me which I have started reading and which could be a good read for you? There is a good chance that if you read this book that it will help you stay a bit more positive than you might be if you are in the process of going through a divorce. I do not have any vested interest in this book other than in helping you.

The name of the book is ONE WORD that will change your life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page.

The inside leaf says the following:

“What if one thing could improve your life in incredible ways? What if One Word could mean the difference between repeated failure and newfound success?”

“In this beautifully illustrated, full-color revised edition, One Word That Will Change Your Life will inspire you to simplify your life and work by focusing on just One Word for the entire year. That’s right! One Word can create clarity, power, passion, and life-change.”

“Each year, resolutions are rarely kept and goals are easily forgotten. But One Word sticks. By living a single word that embodies the essence of your life at this moment, you’ll find renewed purpose and meaning throughout the year…”

Charity – that is my One Word from now until December 31, 2019.

Good luck in deciding on your one word.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Healthy, Happiness.

Buoy

+ A.10. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

DivorceBuoy Nov 21, 2018 and November 23, 2023 (5 years)

Dear www.divorcebuoy.com folks,

I would like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving for 2018. It is a USA tradition that happens every November. Lots of the leaves have fallen from the trees, many locations in the mountains or up north have already received their first snows of the year. The season is changing.

How is the season of change going for you? Where are you in your marriage? Where are you in your divorce proceedings? Where are you in your new life?

Victor or Victim? I have taken a real interest in how people react to heartache or adversity. You surely have heartache and or adversity if you are in a segments of a divorce. Are you playing the victim? Are you throwing up your arms and complaining about how you have been treated or how you are being affected? Or, are you being the victor? To me, being the victor means that you try. It doesn’t mean that you win. Make a choice, and be the VICTOR!!

Thankfulness. Are you filled with thankfulness? I sure am. My life is great right now. The only aspect that is missing is that my 21 yr old son has decided to remove himself from our lives. Yes, it hurts, but it’s his choice. I have done all that I can. I am thankful for my daughter. I am thankful for my relationship with a great person. I am thankful for my great friends and my 3 siblings.

I wish you all a great and meaningful Thanksgiving.

I hope that your prospects for 2019 look good too.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ B.1. DATING INFO – YES, THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE!!!

DivorceBuoy Dec 14, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. How is the end of this calendar year looking for you?

Yes, there is life after divorce, especially if you chose to have a life after divorce.

Child support – there is often child support in a divorce and I know that for a fact. My child support started in 2005 and it just finished! I made every payment early or on time, which felt good!

Life after divorce often times includes dating. Here is an article that you might enjoy that discusses dating. I am not endorsing the article, but it is informative. Enjoy.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

ONLINE DATING TO POLYAMORY: THE TRUTH ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

It’s common belief that opposites attract, or that marriage makes people happier. But the truth behind these relationship stereotypes – and others – might surprise you.

The winter months are the most popular time of year for getting engaged – and when at least some of us start prioritising our search for a relationship. But it turns out we might be going about romance all wrong.

Could online dating make you look more attractive? Is it better to be like your partner? Are married couples truly happier long-term? And is monogamy the best option?

The answers might surprise you. BBC Future rounds up some of our favourite – and most counterintuitive – insights from research around the world.

You don’t really have a ‘type’ – and neither does anyone else

Online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet a mate – but feeling like one profile out of a million can be intimidating. It might be heartening to know amidst the stream of faces, the face we saw before influences how attractive we perceive the next one to be.

This finding suggests that our perception of beauty, far from being deeply ingrained, is in fact very much fleeting. So, if someone is swiping along to your dating app profile, it may not be a bad thing to be among a sea of other people’s well-chosen, flattering pictures.

The fact that such glances from dating app users are generally very quick may also work in our favour. Psychologists have found that faces are subject to a ‘glimpse effect’, which makes faces appear more attractive the less we look at them. The reason behind this, researchers suspect, is that this encourages us to give faces we see in passing a closer second look, lest we hastily miss out on a particularly handsome potential mate.

Opposites don’t always attract

There are some traits that tend to be beneficial to share with your partner, but it’s not entirely true that opposites attract. Some of these are traits that are generally popular to have in a partner no matter what your own personality is like, such as being agreeable and not too neurotic.

But sometimes the best traits to have in a partner vary depending on your own character. For people who have an anxious attachment style and worry about being abandoned, for example, having a more similar personality overall boosts couples’ relationship satisfaction. And other factors, such as whether you are early birds or night owls, also are best to match.

But sometimes, finding your own character mirrored in another person might be a turn-off. For example, when it comes to conscientiousness, research suggests that it’s better for one partner to be a bit more (or less) conscientious than the other – it helps you balance each other out.

Yes, marriage makes you happier – but not forever

If you and your partner are well-matched, maybe you’ll get hitched. But what does that mean for your personality – and happiness?

Research shows that marriage makes long-lasting changes to people’s personalities. A four-year study of 15,000 Germans revealed that after marrying, people showed a decrease in openness and extraversion – a pattern perhaps all too familiar to the friends of the newly-wedded.

On the upside, people also have reported getting better at self-control and forgivenessafter getting married – essential qualities to maintain a long-term relationship. But of course, that’s just their own view. Whether their spouse agrees with them is another matter.

As for the smugness? It may come from the fact that your married friends really do think they’re happier – at least for a while. Life satisfaction among couples did increase after marriage – but after a few years of marriage, life satisfaction returns to baseline levels.

How break-ups change your personality

Research has also revealed what appears to be the opposite of the ‘smug married couple’ effect: people experience personality changes after the end of a long-term relationship too.

Studies of middle-aged people who had gone through a divorce, for example, showed that women became more extroverted and open after cutting ties with their spouse.

Men, on the other hand, didn’t handle the break-up quite so well. They tended to become more neurotic and more conscientious after the divorce. And in general, both male and female divorcees tend to become less dependable after their break up.

It also works two ways – as well as break-ups changing your personality, your personality affects how you will recover after a break-up. More extroverted types tend to remarry quicker, while more neurotic types have a tendency to go in for a series of shorter relationships after a divorce.

A more open romantic future

Of course, monogamy is not the only option. Polyamory, a relationship style with more than two people involved, may be a growing trend. Unlike cheating in a monogamous relationship, in polyamory this happens openly and with consent.

Research has shown that polyamorous couples maintain stronger friendships outside their love life than monogamous couples do. One online study also found that people in polyamorous relationships were more likely to practice safe sex.

But if you aren’t polyamorous yourself, don’t worry – you’re not necessarily missing out on all the fun. People drawn to a polyamorous relationship may simply be more open to more relationships (including friendships) to begin with.

And research has shown that, overall, people in polyamorous relationships have more or less the same psychological wellbeing and relationship quality as monogamous couples.

+ B.2. CHRISTMAS 2018 – MERRY CHRISTMAS (CHRISTMAS 2023 IS COMING UP SOON)

DivorceBuoy Dec 25, 2018

Hello Everyone. I am soon to celebrate the tradition of Christmas. I imagine most of you are familiar with Christmas??!!

My children are 21 and 19 so many years ago they were in their prime Christmas years. Many years ago they were in their prime Christmas years as divorced children. Yes, it was painful for all during those later Christmas’.

? How is your Christmas 2018 shaping up? I will be out of town so I have already celebrated my Christmas 2018, per se. It was ok but not as good as when I was married with the kids or divorced and the kids were younger. There is a pleasure these days to look at other families and young children who are all excited about Santa.

? What have you done in your marriage to help Santa?

? What have you done for your spouse during this Christmas season to give them one more reason to hope for your future?

If you are divorced with children, there is hope. This December 2018 was my last child support and medical payment. Over 13 yrs worth…done!

There is life after divorce … if you chose!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ B.3. ROMANCE – SOME THOUGHTS

DivorceBuoy Dec 26, 2018

Greetings everyone. The year 2018 is counting down and nearing it’s completion. How was your 2018??

Here is an article from the Washington Post. It contains some interesting thoughts that you might find useful and informative. I am just providing the article. Not endorsing it.

Good reading to ya.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

TITLE – 10 things we learned about romance this year, from Meghan Markle, Priyanka Chopra and others

What a year for love! From a royal wedding to arguments about what the #MeToo movement means for dating to the revival of the romantic comedy, a lot has happened in the world of relationships. Here are 10 things we learned from others’ love lives in 2018.

1. Consent should be clear-cut. But people are still confused.

In January, Babe.net published an anonymously sourced account of a young woman’s first date with Aziz Ansari, which she says wasn’t consensual, but he thought it was. Before that, the comedian was considered a millennial dating guru. His comedy specials, his book “Modern Romance” and his Netflix show “Master of None” all explore the frustrations of trying to find love in the swipe era. In those works, many singles saw their foibles, joys and struggles reflected on screen.

After Babe.net’s story published, debate roared about whether the #MeToo movement had gone too far. While there were many men accused of sexual misconduct this year, the allegations against Ansari stood out for being in a dating, rather than work, context. And they highlighted nonverbal cues as being key in determining consent. Men told me that they felt confused and unsure about where the line is when getting physical with someone. While opinions on Ansari are still split, one thing’s for certain: Couples are talking more about what they are or aren’t doing together. And young people are having less sex than ever before.

2. Dating has become more political.

While discussing politics with a potential mate used to be considered taboo or unsexy, “now it’s almost uncool to talk about unpolitical things,” says Kei Kawashima-Ginsberg, director of CIRCLE, the Center for Information and Research on Civic Learning and Engagement, at Tufts University. When singles started taking their get-out-the-vote efforts to Tinder, it became even more clear that daters are looking for matches who share their views. Dating apps such as OkCupid saw huge increases in users including political terms in their profiles. Similarly, the sexual misconduct allegations surrounding Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh pushed daters to have difficult conversations about assault and consent as early as a first date.

3. Friends setting up friends can actually work.

Sure, sometimes when your friends try to set you up, it can be annoying or come off as meddling. But it worked for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle! Shortly after the couple’s engagement, in January it came out that Prince Harry’s childhood friend Violet von Westenholz had set them up. Before being introduced, Prince Harry hadn’t even seen Markle on the legal drama “Suits.” And she didn’t have a particular fascination with the royal family. Kudos to Von Westenholz for her excellent instinct. She emboldened wannabe matchmakers everywhere.

4. That first meeting isn’t everything.

Love doesn’t need to be instant to last! This year, several tales of slow-blooming love came to the forefront. Bachelor Nation’s Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon took three years to go from unrequited crush to best friends to getting engaged. Similarly, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith discussed how it took them a while to become a couple. On “Red Table Talk,” Jada’s popular Facebook Watch show, the couple revealed that the night Will Smith went to a taping of “A Different World,” ostensibly to meet Jada, he ended up meeting someone else instead — Sheree Zampino, whom he went on to date and marry. Years later, when it was clear his marriage to Zampino was unraveling, Will called Jada and didn’t ask her out, instead simply telling her that they would be together now. She picked up and moved from Baltimore to Los Angeles to start a relationship.

5. Forcing a meet-cute narrative on strangers is creepy, not sweet.

Remember the #PlaneBae story that captivated social media for a few days? In July, Rosey Blair, an actor, writer and photographer, asked a woman to switch seats with her on a flight from New York to Dallas and then aggressively documented the woman’s conversation with the hunk sitting next to her. Over the course of the flight, Blair spun up a story of romance and intrigue, which at first many thought was adorable. Until the tide of social media opinion quickly turned, branding Blair as invasive and coercive.

Blair eventually apologized for “utilizing what could have been a beautiful, charming moment among strangers as a tool to communicate a narrative I am fond of.” Coincidentally, in other romance “narrative” news, it turned out …

6. The romantic comedy is not dead after all.

From Netflix releasing a stream of rom-coms to “Crazy Rich Asians” being a smash hit on the big screen, this was the year it became clear that the movie genre isn’t as moribund as critics had previously declared. Instead, the rom-com is getting an update — the characters in these movies are more ethnically and sexually diverse, the plot lines are more politically correct — and viewers are responding by watching and rewatching.

7. Getting engaged after a couple of months is risky.

So many lightning-fast engagements this year! Remember when fans were cheering on Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, who got engagedafter a whirlwind romance? They didn’t last, but we all got a beautiful souvenir in the form of Grande’s catchy breakup anthem “Thank u, next.”

Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr. also second-guessed his quick engagement to Becca Kufrin, ultimately breaking her heart on television and going back to his runner-up, Lauren Burnham. That couple is expecting their first child in 2019. Thankfully there’s at least one celebrity couple we can believe in: Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, who started dating in 2017 and tied the knot this month.

8. Janelle Monae taught many people a new word: Pansexual.

This was a big year for Janelle Monae. Her album-plus-film “Dirty Computer” was nominated for a Grammy for album of the year. Glamour honored her as one of its women of the year. And she introduced a wider audience to a sexual orientation many were learning of for the first time: pansexuality.

As gender is becoming recognized as more fluid, sexuality is following similar patterns. For some, the term bisexual feels too binary, and so “pansexual” is a label to express attraction to those of all gender identities: male, female, gender-fluid, trans, androgynous, intersex and more.

Monae had previously identified as bisexual, and in an interview with Rolling Stone she clarified by noting that she’s pansexual. GLAAD puts pansexuality under the bisexual umbrella, defining the term as “anyone attracted to people of all genders or sexes, or regardless of sex or gender.” (Some people do use the labels bisexual and pansexual interchangeably, Kate Estrop, president of the Bisexual Resource Center’s board of directors, told me.)

9. Don’t interrupt your partner’s big accomplishment to propose.

Public proposals are fraught. They can be seen as cute or manipulative. But when a man infamously interrupted his girlfriend who was running her first marathon, it was just annoying. It served as a reminder to couples everywhere: When your partner is achieving her dreams, your role is to cheer her on — not interrupt her and make her moment all about you.

10. And don’t publicly pressure her to take you back.

Another celebrity couple attracting attention for their tumultuous relationship is Cardi B and Offset. This month, on the same day that Cardi B revealed pictures of her baby Kulture, she announced that she and Offset had split. He may have cheated on her — and then tried to win her back by interrupting her set at a music festival to apologize. Much like that marathon proposal, some fans found it romantic and others were outraged. They did reunite in Puerto Rico recently, but she says they’re not getting back together.

+ B.4. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YA!!! NOW WHAT?? (AND 2023 IS COMING UP SOON)

DivorceBuoy Jan 1, 2019

Hello divorcebuoy faithful. How are ya. It’s a new year. 2019. Welcome!

I have done an unofficial survey that was not scientific of about 100 folks and most of them feel that it is a good thing that 2018 is over. What do you think??

VICTOR OR VICTIM? The choice is yours. Now that 2018 is complete and the new year is starting you have a choice of how you want to handle hardship or disappointments. You could play the victim, the unfortunate one who suffers or you can turn around the situation and try to make it better. To me, to be a VICTOR, you do not need to win. You just need to try. Good luck with that.

NO BARRIERS. It is a book that I am reading and these people that are in the book, which is non fiction, are victors and handicapped. The book is written by Erik Weihenmeyer and Buddy Levy.

I especially like the passage at the end.

Good luck to ya in 2019.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness

From the book NO BARRIERS:

THE PLEDGE OF NO BARRIERS

I PLEDGE TO VIEW MY LIFE AS A RELENTLESS QUEST TO BECOME MY VERY BEST SELF,

TO ALWAYS VIEW THE BARRIERS IN MY LIFE AS OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN.

TO FIND WAYS TO BUILD TEAMS, SERVE THOSE IN NEED, AND DO GOOD IN THE WORLD.

TO PUSH THE BOUNDARIES OF WHAT IS POSSIBLE,

AND PROVE THAT WHAT’S WITHIN ME IS STRONGER THAN WHAT’S IN MY WAY.

+ B.5. DIVORCE – HOW TO RECOVER

DivorceBuoy Jan 7, 2019

Happy New Year to ya divorcebuoy folks. How is the new year starting off?

Chances are that a few of you are looking at a new life after divorce or you may see the prospects for saving your marriage as slim so you are trying to cope?

Fitness – one sure way to help you cope is through fitness! Yes, I can guarantee that being fit and having a regular exercise program will help you!! It may not be the only solution to your challenges but it will help. You will feel better, you will gain confidence, you will meet new friends, you will sleep better, you will look better. Throughout the challenges of my life, such as losing family members and divorce, fitness has been a hugggggge help!

Here is an article that will help explain. Enjoy.

HOW A BREAKUP CAN LEAD TO A FITNESS BREAKTHROUGH

“What starts as a remedy for heartbreak can help people reach athletic heights they’d never considered possible”

All for now.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress

Buoy

Paige Harley couldn’t have guessed that the path to recovery from the end of her second marriage would lead to the South Pole.

The 49-year-old mother of three from Nashville, Tenn., turned to running as a form of therapy in 2016, as she had after her first divorce.

“I didn’t know who I was outside a relationship. Running set me up to learn what I could do,” says Ms. Harley, a mediator who helps families going through divorce. Then she read an article about doing a marathon on all seven continents. “It was about facing my fears. Do I like to travel? Do I like to do hard things?”

She completed the Antarctica Marathon in March.

Because of the annual buildup of stress couples face between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, the holiday season is also often breakup season. The weeks before Valentine’s Day are no picnic, either.

Though getting dumped can be a heartbreaker, it can also be a great motivator—to get in shape as a form of self-care, to branch out and try a new sport or to train for a previously unthinkable challenge.

“In a relationship, a large part of your identity is as a partner-to-whomever, and when that is stripped away, you can feel lost or isolated,” says Greg Chertok, of Telos Sport Psychology Coaching in New York. “Training for something can fill in that empty spot of your identity. And it probably acts as a distraction, taking our mind off the misery.”

Four years ago, Kristen Kurtz was newly separated with two small children in New Providence, N.J., trying to figure out what to do next. Her brother-in-law invited her to join a local Spartan obstacle course race. Though she’d always been athletic, “life happens, you have kids, running gets put on hold,” says Ms. Kurtz, a 40-year-old communications executive.

But once she signed up for this new challenge, she says training became like church or therapy. She joined a new community that had nothing to do with her old life.

As her divorce was finalized, her training improved. It included trail-running, pull-ups and carrying sandbags and buckets up inclines.

“With divorce, you have more free time on your hands, and this was a great way to fill that in a positive way,” she says. She even landed on the podium in her age group in a few Spartan races. In 2017, she started competing at the elite pro level and now serves as an unpaid ambassador for the sport.

Heartache isn’t the only driver in post-breakup transformations. When Paul Ronto broke things off with his girlfriend in 2012, they were co-workers sharing a desk in the student affairs department of Colorado State University in Fort Collins.

It made workdays awkward. Looking for excuses to leave the office, Mr. Ronto started jogging. He was about 25 pounds overweight at the time and didn’t own a proper pair of running shoes.

“A lot of days, I would work ’til noon and things got too uncomfortable, then go for a run and not come back,” says Mr. Ronto, now 35.

He signed up for the Colorado Marathon and crushed his time goal, crossing the finish in 3 hours and 31 minutes. “I fell in love with being out there by myself. Running turned into this saving grace for me,” he says.

The following year, he and his ex, Stephanie, reconnected. She’d been running with a local women’s running club. Discovering they ran at the same pace, they started doing races together, rekindling their romance.

“Running was what got me away from her, but it’s one of the things that brought us back together,” Mr. Ronto says. They married in 2017. Mr. Ronto now works for a running website.

Sometimes a breakup can feel like a loss of control, and getting through it is about managing those feelings, says Dr. Suzanne Lachmann, a clinical psychologist working on a book about breakups. “If you’re uncomfortable being alone, going to the gym is genius. If your house is an uncomfortable place, going for a walk is awesome,” she says.

After Chris Cucchiara’s girlfriend left him in the winter of 2016, he had trouble sleeping. The 30-year-old bartender felt so down-and-out after work at night that he sought out distractions, including training until 2 a.m. at a 24-hour gym.

He slimmed down and put on about 25 pounds of lean muscle. For added motivation, he entered his first bodybuilding competition, Natural Muscle Mayhem in Sacramento, Calif.

The transformation had a lasting impact: He earned his certification as a personal trainer and launched a new career.

“The breakup was totally a blessing in disguise,” he says. “Now I have a way better girlfriend, and I want to go pro as a natural bodybuilder.”

Angela Williams had never been much of an athlete. “I did gym-based exercise,” says the 51-year-old paralegal and mother of two. But during her 2014 divorce, her home in Signal Mountain, Tenn., lingered on the real estate market. Neither she nor her estranged husband could afford to move out and their children were in local schools, so everybody stayed put unhappily. Ms. Williams started going on long walks just to get out of the house.

Walking turned into jogging to the mailbox, or to the next tree. “Physically I was becoming more fit and mentally I was better able to deal with the stress,” she says. The house finally sold. Then she was laid off.

“I thought, oh my gosh, I’m getting ready to be out on the street and I don’t have a job and my divorce is going to be final in a month,” she says. “So I started running more.”

At around that time, the Ironman triathlon came to nearby Chattanooga, Tenn. Ms. Williams figured she’d check it out.

Watching the running portion of the race, she was stunned. “I had this image in my head of triathletes as these graceful gazelles floating down this sea of athleticism,” she recalled. “But what I was looking at was not that.” People of all shapes and sizes were sweating and struggling across the Walnut Street Bridge.

She joined a local triathlon club and started learning how to swim in open water and ride a road bike.

“My life was falling apart, plugged together with putty and screws and tape, but this Ironman was something that I could control,” she says. “I knew if I stuck to a plan that I could possibly finish.”

Ms. Williams has since competed in three triathlons, including Ironman Chattanooga 70.3—half of a full Ironman race—in May 2017. She found a new job and a new home. She credits Ironman with saving her life.

“I know it sounds dramatic, but every person gets to that point in their life that is the dark night of the soul,” she says. “Training kept me together.”

+ B.6. DIVORCE WITH GRACE by Madisyn Taylor

DivorceBuoy Feb 7, 2019 2

One of the most hurtful aspects of life is divorce. I have lost a wife and son to AIDS and the process of divorce, involving my children, was more painful.

Yet, divorce does not have to be all that painful. Ms. Madisyn Taylor does a good job to provide some insight into a alternative to a messy divorce.

Good luck to you in your divorce. Maybe you can share this article?

Hope Health Happiness

Buoy

Divorce With Grace

BY MADISYN TAYLOR

If you are experiencing divorce, look into your inner heart for guidance and surround yourself with loving friends.
Like the act of marriage that binds two people together, divorce is the result of a life-altering decision. It is the dissolving of a relationship that we believed would last our whole lives. We may not even be able to articulate how we got to this place, yet we may also feel we have no choice but to sever this tie. Whatever we feel, we need the support of the friends and family who will stand by us no matter what we decide. At some point, we may need to be challenged to look deeper inside ourselves as we make this very important decision, but what we need most of all is unconditional love and loyalty.
Divorce is a process that, once in motion, becomes difficult to stop, and this can be painful if we find ourselves having second thoughts. We may feel that we should do more to save the marriage, or we may wonder if there is something about ourselves that we could fix or change instead of going through with this painful separation. On the other hand, we may be seeing in hindsight that our marriage was truly only meant to last for a short time so that we could learn something we needed to know. Whatever the case, we need friends who will allow us to linger in confusion when we don’t have the answers and who will support us whether we find ways to reconcile and stay married or whether we walk away. Of course, the most essential ally we have lives inside our hearts and speaks to us from within. We can trust this inner guide to help us choose people who will support us in kind and loving ways as we navigate the rough terrain of confusion and loss. Sometimes all we can do is look to the horizon, remembering that we will get through this time, and no matter what happens we will once again feel whole.

+ B.7. SEX LIFE – HOW YOUR WORKOUT CAN IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE…REALLY!!

DivorceBuoy Mar 7, 2019

Good evening divorcebuoy folks. Yes, I have been a little inactive on this site. I am trying to decide on my virtual future. I am also nursing a slight injury to the outside of my L foot and with a half marathon coming up in about 10 days I was researching some injury treatment on the site Runners World. That’s when I came across something that will help and interest all of us. Chances are that some if not most of you already know this??!!

HOW YOUR WORKOUT CAN IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE, “study after study has confirmed exercise’s physical and mental health benefits for women, and that extends to the bedroom too.”

“Now, research has confirmed that the bedroom boost from exercise isn’t just anecdotal. According to a new review published by the International Society for Sexual Medicine, following a regular exercise plan can improve nearly every aspect of a woman’s sex life.”

“The review confirmed that exercise increases genital arousal in women,” said review author Amelia M. Stanton, PhD (c), a researcher at the Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin. That’s in addition to the indirect sexual effects of exercise seen by other studies, including improved cardiovascular function, mood, and body image.

There was not any data related to the benefits of a workout for men but I would imagine that it will provide some pluses for the guys too.

Enjoy and have fun!

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

+ B.8. SLEEPING WITH A PARTNER – IT CAN BE DONE!! 🙂

DivorceBuoy Mar 25, 2019

Good morning divorcebuoy faithful. How was your weekend? For folks in the USA there is college basketball and the end of some amazing skiing conditions out west to enjoy as Spring returns. Flowers are out in certain parts of the USA.

Sleep. How do you do with your sleep? Sleep is so important to me. Sleep drives my energy for the day and the accomplishments I try to attain. Without sleep, there is less energy. I am lucky because I can sleep most anywhere at most any times.

Now let us say that you are in a relationship and you are sleeping with someone. How is that going? The NY Times had a good article on sleeping with a partner that you might find useful.

SHARING A BED WITHOUT LOSING SLEEP “Two in three Americans share a bed with a partner. Here’s how to make it more comfortable.”

“No matter how big your bed is, sharing that space with someone else can make it feel cramped.”

“Joy Osmanski lives in a one-room loft in downtown Los Angeles and shares a bed with her husband as well as their two toddlers. Depending on how everyone is sleeping, the California-king mattress can feel like it shapeshifts. “There are some nights when the bed feels enormous, where literally, I’m like, ‘Where are you?’” Ms. Osmanski said. “Other nights, I can’t even wedge myself in.”

“Ms. Osmanski’s situation may be unique, but sharing a bed with at least one other person is common. A 2012 National Sleep Foundation poll conducted with 1,004 Americans aged 25 to 55 years old found that 63 percent of respondents slept with a partner. A 2014 FiveThirtyEight survey of 1,057 American adults with a partner reported that less than 20 percent of respondents slept separately a few times a week or more.”

“Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation, noted that although studies show that people sleep better alone, those same participants say that they preferred to sleep with a partner. “What this suggests to me is that the psychological benefits that we get from feeling close and protected and connected to our partner, particularly at night, trumps even those objective consequences of sharing a bed,” Dr. Troxel said.”

“The comforts of being close to a partner during sleep don’t have to come at the expense of getting a solid night’s rest. Here are some solutions for common crowded-bed complaints, from duvet tug-of-war matches to early-rising kid invasions.”

A summary of their thoughts:

1. Get the right bedding.

2. Create routines.

3. See a sleep specialist.

The conclusions:

“Interruptions during sleep, whether in the form of medical issues or children climbing into bed, can make one partner feel the need to move to the couch or another room temporarily. If you and your partner choose to sleep apart long term, you won’t be alone. Although a lack of sleep may increase conflict, consider how the separation can affect your relationship.”

“Prioritize sleep as a couple. Think of it as an investment in your relationship, because you really are a better partner as well as more productive and healthier and happier when you sleep better,” Dr. Troxel said. “If you have challenges with sleeping together, talk about it in a healthy and calm and honest way instead of what I often see is out of desperation, one member of the couple abandons the bed leaving the other partner to feel literally abandoned.”

Good stuff. Good luck. I am off to take a nap

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

SOME AMPLIFICATiONS (and maybe some repeats)

No matter how big your bed is, sharing that space with someone else can make it feel cramped.

Joy Osmanski lives in a one-room loft in downtown Los Angeles and shares a bed with her husband as well as their two toddlers. Depending on how everyone is sleeping, the California-king mattress can feel like it shapeshifts. “There are some nights when the bed feels enormous, where literally, I’m like, ‘Where are you?’” Ms. Osmanski said. “Other nights, I can’t even wedge myself in.”

Ms. Osmanski’s situation may be unique, but sharing a bed with at least one other person is common. A 2012 National Sleep Foundation poll conducted with 1,004 Americans aged 25 to 55 years old found that 63 percent of respondents slept with a partner. A 2014 FiveThirtyEight survey of 1,057 American adults with a partner reported that less than 20 percent of respondents slept separately a few times a week or more.

Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation, noted that although studies show that people sleep better alone, those same participants say that they preferred to sleep with a partner. “What this suggests to me is that the psychological benefits that we get from feeling close and protected and connected to our partner, particularly at night, trumps even those objective consequences of sharing a bed,” Dr. Troxel said.

The comforts of being close to a partner during sleep don’t have to come at the expense of getting a solid night’s rest. Here are some solutions for common crowded-bed complaints, from duvet tug-of-war matches to early-rising kid invasions.

Get the right bedding

If you and your partner sleep comfortably at different temperatures, try separate twin comforters (Wirecutter, the product review site owned by The New York Times, recommends these ones), a practice found in Scandinavian countries and other parts of Europe. Not only can this end blanket-stealing, but it can also allow each partner to choose a comforter with a different warmth level, weight and duvet-cover materials (perhaps flannel for the perpetually cold and airy percale for the sweatier partner).

Ms. Osmanski and her husband provide separate blankets for the kids. “Four different people, that’s four different sleeping temperatures,” she said. If you have a child who comes in and regularly steals the pillow, offer a small pillow that’s easier for small hands to move around.

If you and your partner don’t have the same preference for the mattress’s firmness level, you’ll need to find a solution that works for both of you. In Wirecutter’s mattress buying guide, Santhosh Thomas, the medical director of Cleveland Clinic’s Center for Spine Health, suggests finding the firmness that works best for the partner with any musculoskeletal issues. We have tips on finding that perfect firmness here. If that isn’t a concern, consider a firm mattress and adding a mattress topper, like these ones our testers liked, to soften one side of the bed.

And when you’re ready to buy a new mattress, choose a size that offers enough room for each person: A queen-size mattress gives each person 30 inches, while a king-size mattress provides a roomy 38 inches for two people. A foam or foam-hybrid mattress, like these models, can offer motion isolation, so you won’t ride the waves of your partner tossing and turning beside you. We found that foam mattresses limit motion transfer the best, but if you prefer spring mattresses, look for those with pocket coils, particularly between 12 and 15 gauge.

Create routines

Dr. Troxel said the ritual of going to bed with a partner can trigger social “zeitgebers,” or cues that influence circadian rhythms. “Partners can be very helpful to help enforce consistent sleep and wake routines,” she said. “It becomes a reminder to go to bed instead of staying up late playing video games or binging on Netflix.” Talking before bedtime, even if one person is a night owl and the other is an early bird, can help a couple feel in sync in their relationship.

For parents who fend off children early in the morning, setting visual reminders to define an acceptable wake-up time can provide a similar circadian cue. A toddler alarm clock like the OK to Wake Alarm Clock & Night-Light helps to signify when it’s O.K. to get out of bed. For a more subtle but still effective solution, installing smart, color-changing light bulbs like our favorite, the Philips Hue, or a baby monitor like the Arlo Baby, which our reviewers liked for its night light feature, in a child’s bedroom can indicate to an eager child when it’s O.K. to get out of bed and venture into a parent’s room.

See a sleep specialist

If you or your partner snores or regularly has trouble falling asleep, don’t suffer through the problem. You can block out some snoring with occasional earplug use or a white noise machine, (and we have recommendations for both here) but if one of you keeps the other up with noise, it may be helpful to see a sleep specialist to check for sleep apnea, a common but underdiagnosed health issue, or other sleep disorders.

Interruptions during sleep, whether in the form of medical issues or children climbing into bed, can make one partner feel the need to move to the couch or another room temporarily. If you and your partner choose to sleep apart long term, you won’t be alone. Although a lack of sleep may increase conflict, consider how the separation can affect your relationship.

+ B.9. MATCHMAKING – AN ALTERNATIVE TO ONLINE DATING

DivorceBuoy Apr 1, 2019

Spring is springing here in the USA.

Hello divorcebuoy folks. How are ya? Ready to spring for spring?? March Madness is here in the states too (college basketball playoffs).

Most of us that have divorced have decided to date. There are varying degrees of success in the dating world, for both the men and for the women. Hopefully you have been one of the lucky ones!!

MATCHMAKERS EMERGE “They scout prospects, provide feedback, write breakup texts.”

“After four years of misleading photos, cheating boyfriends and messages that didn’t quite sound authentic, Natasha Topinka decided she was through with online dating.”

“The services differ in approaches but typically require interviews on topics ranging from a person’s dating history to willingness to date someone with opposing political views. Some matchmakers scout prospects, attending college alumni events at bars or approaching strangers in coffee shops.”

One of the common themes of the online dating is that it will cost you money. Probably at least $3,000+.

Good luck to you out there. At least get out into the spring time, unless you are south of the equator and then you are at the end of your summer.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ B.10. CLOAKING – A NEW WAY TO DISAPPEAR/CHANGE YOUR MIND??

DivorceBuoy Aprl 14, 2019

Hello divorcebuoy.com friends. It seems as though most of the articles that I read in the newspapers relate to dating, which is the ‘new life form’ after your divorce. Yes, dating – most people state that “DATING SUCKS.” Some people quit dating altogether.

I just read an interesting article in the Washington Post. I’d say that it’s sad that some folks resort to this. My advice to you would be to … not be a jerk. Communicate.

CLOAKING IS THE NEWEST DATING TERM. IT’S A PARTICULARLY CRUEL WAY OF GHOSTING

“I had no idea. In today’s dating culture of extreme flakiness, people “ghost” at any and all points: Right after you’ve matched on an app, after a few texts are exchanged, after a few dates, even after months or years of dating. Although it was plausible that someone would make specific plans and then cancel without actually canceling, I’d never experienced this particular disappearing act, where someone makes plans and then cuts off all methods of communication.”

Good luck to ya out there.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Seeya,

Buoy

+ C.1. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 1

DivorceBuoy Feb 26, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. I am going to share a few important parts of the TIME Magazine with you in the coming days.

Even though there is a large chance that you are here because you are divorced there is also a chance that you are contemplating divorce and this magazine might help you. It has a white cover with TIME in red at the top. I am sure it is available at your grocery store of book store. Additionally, you may be dating and your partner and you could be reading this magazine together and building for your futures together??!!

The cover page subtitle – ALL ABOUT ATTRACTION – WHAT KEEPS LOVE STRONG – MAKING THE UNION LAST

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION – How to Stay Married

PART ONE: LOVE AND ROMANCE

All About Attraction

What a Good Sex Life Looks Like

Epic Displays of Affection

Part TWO: A SACRED BOND

Nine Signs That Your Marriage Will Last

The Health Perks of Saying “I DO”

Ten Ways to Make Your Marriage Divorce Proof

Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?

The (Real) Key to a Joyful Union

Hall of Fame Couples

Part THREE: HAPPILY EVER AFTER

We Went to Couples Therapy

Money Moves All Couples Should Make

In-Law Management

How to Actually Sleep Together

Gallery: Tying the Knot

There you have it. A broad summary of what will lie ahead in the coming days. I hope that you take the time to stoo and buy a copy ($13).

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Seeya, Buoy

+ C.2. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 2

DivorceBuoy Mar 3, 2018

Hello divorcebuoy. It’s a Saturday. How is your weekend?

It is time for part 2 of the TIME MAGAZINE special edition.

“Introduction – HOW TO STAY MARRIED. Couples face more challenges – and distractions – than ever. But new data says staying the course is worth it”. This section was written by Belinda Luscombe.

“Most Americans still want to get married – even millennials, although they’re waiting until they’re older. To aid them in their search, businesses have devoted billions of dollars and thousands of gigabytes to mate- seeking.”

“51% of adults 18 or older are married. 6% are widowed. 12% are divorced or separated. 31% never married.”

“Ao while divorce rates have been dropping among most age groups since the 1980s, there’s one exception: older people. Divorce rates among this group are up.”

“The kid connection. The biggest disincentive to divorce, however, may be the same as of the biggest drivers of divorce: kids. Many sociologists and therapists agree that kids from what are known as “intact marriages”, as a whole, do better on most fronts than kids from divorced families, unless the marriage is very high-conflict.”

“Research suggests that in the long term, children of divorced parents are more at risk of being poor, being unhealthy, having mental illness, not graduating from college and getting divorced themselves.”

“Sex, of course, does not occur in a vacuum. Therapists urge couples not to let the kids keep them from going out.”

“The one piece of advice every expert and nonexpert gives for staying married is perhaps the least useful one of those who are already several years in: choose well.”

And there you have it. A small view of the text included in this introduction. Good luck in your search for this magazine. You may fine it is very useful.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ C.3. TIME MAGAZINE – THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE – PART 3

DivorceBuoy Mar 23, 2018

Good evening www.divorcebuoy.com folks. How did your winter go? How is your spring looking?

I am going to wrap up an abbreviated view of the TIME MAGAZINE special edition The Science of Marriage. I found it to be a great resource and I hope that you have a chance to find it and read it cover to cover! I am not necessarily endorsing every word in the text, but I do think that you will find it informative and possibly helpful.

Ok, let us go to a topic that gets a whole lot of attention and one in which you may find that you need some help with, either in function or understanding of your mate.

From the TIME MAGAZINE special edition, WHAT A GOOD SEX LIFE LOOKS LIKE by Hallie Levine. “Variety helps. And even the happiest of couples aren’t perfectly in sync.”

“It starts with housework (really). Men, listen up: there’s no better aphrodisiac than donning ap;air of rubber gloves and doing the dishes. Couples who divvy up housework fairly equally rep;ort having more frequent and satisfying sex…”

“There’s intimacy i unsexy times. The more attentive a couple is to each other’s emotional needs outside of the bedroom, the higher their sexual desire for each other…”

That will do it for this evening. I hope that you have benefitted by the info provided and encouraged you to learn and explore your actions or behavior in your relationships.

Good luck to ya. Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ C.4. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH

DivorceBuoy Mar 25, 2018

Good evening www.divorcebuoy.com

Welcome to spring. Hopefully your weather is slowly warming.

Dating. How about we take a look over the next few blogs on DATING. Chances are that there are a lot of you out there who are divorced and deciding to date again.

I will be reviewing IT’S JUST LUNCH. I am going to use a fake character to follow this person through the various steps related to IT’S JUST LUNCH. How about we call this character DIVO (after this site divorcebuoy).

https://www.itsjustlunch.com

IT’S JUST LUNCH is a match making company that states, “dating for busy professionals”. On their home page it states “Chemistry happens face-to-face. It’s just lunch. Or maybe the best date of your life.”

1-800-489-7897

+ C.5. IT’S JUST LUNCH (IJL) story

DivorceBuoy Mar 2018

“The premise of It’s Just Lunch is simple: a lunch date or drink after work is the ideal first date. It’s a no pressure, relaxed setting where you can actually talk face-to-face. Combine that with a hand-selected match by a professional matchmaker and you have improved your chances at dating success.”

“We Believe:

» The best way to get to know someone is face to face.
» Chemistry can only be determined in-person.
» People need face to face connections.

We love the thrill of the first date. The joy in helping singles make real connections.”

“It’s our professional matchmaking team that makes the difference. We’re not a hook up hub. We’re not a parade of endless online profiles. We’re not a set of secret, tag-sorting algorithms. We are experts at helping real people who want real relationships meet each other in the most effective way possible: face to face.”

CITIES

“IJL is arranging dates around the globe.”

FIND US

Select a region (Europe, North America, Oceania)

Select a country (United Kingdom, Ireland, United States, Canada, Australia)

Select a city (Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, London, Dublin, Cork, Galway, Belfast, Calgary, Edmonton, The Okanagan, Vancouver, Whistler, Fraser Valley, Victoria, Toronto, and a whole lot in the USA)

OUR CLIENTS

It’s Just Lunch clients represent many different professions and career/life stages. Some are divorced or new to a city and want to fast-forward their dating. Others don’t want their personal details public or don’t have the time or patience to deal with online dating. One thing they have in common: they’re ready to meet someone special!”

All for now. We’ll take a look at how DIVO is getting along in our next look at It’s Just Lunch.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Good night. Buoy.

+ C.6. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 2

DivorceBuoy Mar 29, 2018

Ok, let us continue on our journey about dating and the match making service called IT’S JUST LUNCH.

https://www.itsjustlunch.com

During our last blog I introduced an imaginary character named DIVO. Divo will be leading us through the It’s Just Lunch process. Divo will be relating actual experiences of the IJL process. My intentions are to keep Divo void of gender to better represent the equal benefits to the male and female clients of It’s Just Lunch (IJL).

Divo visited the IJL website and filled out the ‘contact us’ information and then followed up that ‘contact us’ with a phone call to IJL and left a message.

IJL called Divo soon thereafter and they set up a time for a phone interview.

The phone interview went really well. The person interviewing Divo was sincerely interested in finding out about Divo and who Divo is, what Divo likes, and what Divo is looking for. The IJL interviewer then stated that they would take the interview information and review who was available. Yes, there was a payment made over the phone for the IJL services.

In a day or two IJL returned a call to Divo to inform them that the first date was all set up. IJL provided information about the date, such as the first name, location of the date and time, height and hair/eye color, as well as a little background about the date. IJL asked that Divo be prepared to provide some feedback to IJL after the first date in order to fine tune the efforts of IJL and to better match the wishes of Divo to the available matches.

The first date – the first date went really well!! IJL’s questions enabled them to start off on the right foot with Divo and match Divo with a great match. The happy hour date included drinks and some appetizers as well as 1.5 hours of conversation. Divo is a professional on a second career after retiring from the first career and the date was also a professional. The two ‘daters’ exchanged last names and phone numbers and paid for the bill with promises of connecting again in the near future.

IJL called Divo after the weekend for some feedback and also continued with the planned ‘in office visit’ which is the norm after the first date. The phone call between Divo and IJL went well, with Divo praising IJL for getting off ‘on the right foot’ with such a wonderful professional on the first date. The in office visit also went well with Divo being excited for the next planned date that evening but also realizing that the first date went so well.

Ok, all for now. Divo has additional dates lined up. Divo is only providing information about the experience that Divo has had, and for liability purposes, will not directly endorse IJL but can tell you that IJL is better than any app’, dating website, or match making website out there that Divo has tried or heard about.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Good night, Buoy

+ C.7. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 3

DivorceBuoy Apr 4, 2018

How is your dating going?

We are doing a number of segments on dating and we will be focusing on It’s Just Lunch for a number of blogs.

Please take a look at the prior posts about It’s Just Lunch to bring you up to speed on where the fictional character DIVO is in his dating life.

Divo is a fictional character which we will use to document the various actual/live steps that a person goes through during the It’s Just Lunch process. We will try to keep Divo gender neutral although in the real life character there is clearly a defined gender.

Honesty – It’s Just Lunch is there to match you and the better and more honest that you are with them then the better and more successful you will be. You have hired them, paid them good money, to help you in this match making process. As many people who have dated, and been married, have found out the amount of honesty in a relationship is clearly declining. That is sad. Part of most folks higher ranking desires in a match is to find someone who is honest.

Honesty and It’s Just Lunch – Divo has told me that the feeling Divo get’s when talking with the It’s Just Lunch people (no, this is not an advertisement) is that the It’s Just Lunch (IJL) questions are designed to narrow down your true desires and enhance the chances for their success in finding a match for you which then results in an enhanced chance for your happiness with the process. The IJL folks are like a best friend who are trying to set you up with their friends and if the IJL folks don’t know you then it’s hard to get closer to your ‘wants’ or ‘needs’.

Divo dates – Divo has had a number of dates and the dates have gone really well. The IJL folks have done a very good job of getting into the general ‘vicinity’ of Divo’s needs. Divo has more dates lined up, thanks to IJL, and we will chronicle those dates in the coming blogs.

Divo and IJL – how did Divo get to IJL? Divo met a person who has a friend who hired IJL and on the fifth IJL event struck gold. Yes, it can be tiring and frustrating to be on the dating websites or apps. One of the positive aspects of IJL is that they have usually sifted through the falsehoods from the clients and what you see is what you get whereas on the sites or apps there is a high percentage of folks with pics that are outdated or claims that are not true (like being an expert skier, etc.).

All for now. Good luck out there. Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS.

Buoy

+ C.8. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 4

DivorceBuoy Apr 10, 2018

Good day to you divorcebuoy folks.

For an update, please remember that we are profiling ‘It’s Just Lunch’ which is one of the premiere match making sites in the USA.

There is a person with a ‘stage name’ of Divo which we will use to review various factual parts of the It’s Just Lunch process while keeping the gender and identity in the background. Divo has news to report about the dating.

The dating has been really, really good, with great people lined up by It’s Just Lunch (IJL). Divo has been on 5 successful dates so far with fun times of dinner, a late afternoon date for drinks, and a lunch. Everyone has been nice, come from a professional background, and they have been eager to engage in conversation. The locations picked out by IJL have been geographically neutral although Divo said that the traveling to meet someone would be ok.

Duration – most of the dates have lasted for 2 hrs with one of the dates lasting 3 hrs. ITJ uses the length of the date to get a feeling for the success of the match.

IJL feedback – IJL has always called after each date to try and seek information about the date and discuss the good points and iron out any challenges if there were any difficulties. IJL takes this feedback to try and precisely adjust to their perceived framework that the IJL clients wish them to pursue.

All for now. Divo is pleased with the process and feels that the IJL folks are doing a good job on Divo’s behalf.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

+ C.9. DATING – IT’S JUST LUNCH 5 (THE FINALE)

DivorceBuoy Apr 30, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com faithful. This will be the final episode of the It’s Just Lunch (IJL) saga. IJL is a match finding service in many major cities. The authors of this site have created a fictional character named DIVO to allow us to factually explore the IJL events for one of our people while keeping their gender and name private. Yes, for sure, it is a heterosexual person dating a person of the opposite sex.

Our final moment exploring IJL will highlight some of the experiences that Divo went through. The basic summary is…don’t give up. Chances are that you will not find someone if you are not trying.

IJL has arranged another date for Divo. The dates are in an agreeable location that is usually about 1/2 way between the daters. Each dater provides available dates in which to meet, along with an available time and then the IJL folks try and match the times after the contenders have been determined. After the agreeable dates are whittled down to the actual date, the daters are then notified via a phone call and a follow up email. One of divo’s dates had to be delayed 4 hrs (not cancelled) due to one of the dater’s father falling and injurying himself and being admitted to a hospital ER. Yes, so far everyone of Divo’s dates has gone off successfully, which is a tribute to the daters as well as the IJL folks (one of the major match makers has been at IJL 4 yrs!).

So, this is the end of the road for the publicizing of Divo’s adventures. All of his dates have been good to very good but, alas, not one has lit the fire in both of the daters.

Divo wishes each of you dating to keep up the spirit and to keep up the effort. If something is not working, then change it. Change where you hang out, change what sites you are on, change the clothes you wear to match the person you are looking for. But don’t change the inner soul of who you are.

Bye for now. Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Buoy

+ C.10. MARRIAGE MYTHS – TRUTH OR FICTION

DivorceBuoy Jun 5, 2018

Ok www.divorcebuoy.com fans, how about we talk a little bit about marriage?

Yes, some of you that visit this site may be dating, you may still be married, or you may be done with the whole marriage consideration/life. But, just in case you are in some form of the ‘marriage life’.

I am just providing a resource for you. I am not endorsing the content of their article. The article is here for info only.

Good luck in your life!!

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

The article states, “Marriage is one of the oldest social, economic, religious and legal institutions in the world, and there’s no shortage of opinions on what makes it work. But much of the conventional wisdom is not based on evidence, and some is flat wrong. After researching thousands of couples for more than 40 years at the Gottman Institute, these are some of the myth’s we’ve encountered most often.”

1. Common interests keep you together.

2. Never go to bed angry.

3. Couples therapy is for a broken marriage.

4. Affairs are the main cause of divorce.

5. Marriage benefit from a ‘relationship contract’.

In conclusion, the article states, “Couples need to act in kind and loving ways, intentionally and attentively, as often as they can. Some things simply cannot be mandated, even by contract.”

A few additional amplifications:

Marriage is one of the oldest social, economic, religious and legal institutions in the world, and there’s no shortage of opinions on what makes it work. But much of the conventional wisdom is not based on evidence, and some is flat-out wrong. After researching thousands of couples for more than 40 years at the Gottman Institute, these are some of the myths we’ve encountered most often.

Myth No. 1

Common interests keep you together.

Some dating sites, like Match.com, ask users to list their interests to help attract potential mates, and LoveFlutter matches users solely based on shared hobbies and activities. In a Pew survey, 64 percent of respondents said “having shared interests” is “very important” to their marriages — beating out having a satisfying sexual relationship and agreeing on politics.

But the important thing is not what you do together; it’s how you interact while doing it. Any activity can drive a wedge between two partners if they’re negative toward each other. It doesn’t matter whether two people both enjoy kayaking if, when they head out on the lake, one says, “That’s not how you do a J-stroke, you idiot!” Our research has shown that criticism, even of paddling skills, is one of the four destructive behaviors that indicate a couple will eventually divorce. A stronger predictor of compatibility than shared interests is the ratio of positive to negative interactions, which should be 20-to-1 in everyday situations, whether a couple is doing something they both enjoy or not.

Myth No. 2

Never go to bed angry.

It’s one of the most cliched pieces of relationship advice, immortalized in Etsy signage and a ’90s R&B ballad by Silk: Don’t allow an argument to go unresolved — even overnight. No less an authority than the Bible agrees: “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26).

This advice pushes couples to solve their problems right away. Yet everyone has their own methods of dealing with disagreements, and research indicates that about two-thirds of recurring issues in marriage are never resolved because of personality differences — you’re unlikely to work out that fight about the dishes no matter how late you stay up.

In our “Love Lab,” where we studied physiological reactions of couples during arguments (including coding of facial muscles related to specific emotions), we found that when couples fight, they are so physiologically stressed — increased heart rate, cortisol in the bloodstream, perspiring, etc. — that it is impossible for them to have a rational discussion. With one couple, we intentionally stopped their argument about a recurring issue by saying we needed to adjust some of our equipment. We asked them to read magazines for 30 minutes before resuming the conversation. When they did so, their bodies had physiologically calmed down, which allowed them to communicate rationally and respectfully. We now teach that method to couples — if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed during a fight, take a break and come back to it later, even if that means sleeping on it.

Myth No. 3

Couples therapy is for fixing a broken marriage.

This is a common misconception. A 2014 New York Post story on “the crumbling marriage of Jay Z and Beyoncé” noted grimly that “they’re allegedly traveling with marriage counselors.” Seeking help early in or even before marriage is often seen as a red flag. As one skeptic noted in New York magazine, “If you need couples therapy before you’re married — when it’s supposed to be fun and easy, before the pressures of children, family, and combined financials — then it’s the wrong relationship.”

This idea often keeps spouses from seeking the sort of regular maintenance that would benefit almost any relationship. The average couple waits six years after serious issues arise before getting help with their marital problems, and by then it’s often too late: Half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. In a therapist’s office, spouses can learn conflict-management skills (like the Gottman-Rapoport intervention, based on a method used to increase understanding between nations during the Cold War) and ways to connect and understand each other.

The point of counseling is not to salvage a bad marriage or sort out trauma. It’s about revealing the truth about a relationship. As Jay-Z told David Letterman, he gained “emotional tools ” in counseling to help him maintain his marriage.

Myth No. 4

Affairs are the main cause of divorce.

An affair is traumatic for any monogamous relationship. “Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce,” an article on Marriage.com reads. Today.com offers a similar analysis: “Cheating is one of the main drivers of divorce.”

While affairs can destroy the foundation of trust upon which a marriage is built, the cause of divorce typically precedes the affair. In a study from the Divorce Mediation Project, 80 percent of divorced men and women cited growing apart and loss of a sense of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. Only 20 to 27 percent blamed their separation on an extramarital affair. In their clinical work, John and Julie Gottman learned that partners who have affairs are usually driven to them not because of a forbidden attraction but because of loneliness. There were already serious, if subtle, problems in the marriage before the affair occurred.

Myth No. 5

Marriages benefit from a ‘relationship contract.’

It’s important to do nice things for your partner and to do your fair share around the house, principles that an increasing number of couples have decided to formalize with a contract. One essayist explained in the New York Times how hers “spells out everything from sex to chores to finances to our expectations for the future.” Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan also hashed out some rather specific details in their contract, such as: “One date per week, a minimum of a hundred minutes of alone time, not in his apartment and definitely not at Facebook.” Far more couples opt for informal agreements, written or verbal, delineating who’s responsible for what.

The concept, though, has no basis in science. In 1977, researcher Bernard Murstein found that marriages oriented around reciprocity were less successful. And from what we’ve seen in our clinical work, keeping track can cause couples to keep score, which can lead to resentment. Dealmaking, contracts and quid pro quo mostly operate in unhappy marriages. Criticism and contempt can arise from unfulfilled expectations, especially if those expectations are quantified. And when one partner does something nice for the other and there is a contract in place, they may expect something equally nice in return. That response may not happen for any reason — a busy week, forgetfulness — which can create resentment and an environment of trying to “win.”

Consider one thing nearly all couples fight about: housework. A couple wants to have an even division of chores and responsibilities, so they make a contract. But a few months later, there’s a pile of dishes in the sink, and they’re fighting again. According to a study of 3,000 couples by Harvard Business School, the solution is to ditch the contract and spend money on a cleaning service. Why? So the couple can spend more time together having positive interactions and fewer arguments. Instead of a contract, it’s a compromise.

Couples need to act in kind and loving ways, intentionally and attentively, as often as they can. Some things simply cannot be mandated, not even by contract.

+ D.1. ABUSE AND DIVORCE – I HOPE THAT THIS SCENARIO IS NOT YOURS!!

DivorceBuoy Jun 8, 2018 1

Dear www.divorcebuoy.com folks, I have come across a subject that is very sensitive. My male friends who are dating have come across some females that they are dating who have been abused and divorced their husband. Yes, it was painful and not always as easy as you would have expected.

“For survivors of violence, ending a marriage can be a harrowing, costly, drawn out experience.”

Good luck to you all.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

May Raymond can produce hundreds of documents to illustrate a marriage gone wrong: the repeated calls to the police; the reports detailing the time her husband smashed a table in her home, or when he punched her in the head, or when he promised to make her disappear; the orders of protection; the pink domestic incident reports stacked one on top of the other.

When that stack became too high, in the fall of 2015, Ms. Raymond searched online for how to get a divorce and then walked to the Bronx Supreme Court near her house.

The first step, she was told, was to find her husband, who was no longer living with her, in order to serve him the divorce papers. But suddenly he was nowhere to be found. Ms. Raymond searched for more than two years, to no avail.

“I just don’t want to be attached to this man anymore. To me it feels kind of disgusting,” Ms. Raymond said. “I need this part of my life to close.” And yet, she remained a wife.

Escaping intimate violence can be harrowing, as recent revelationsabout Eric T. Schneiderman, the former New York State attorney general, suggest. And even for people who are not in violent relationships, divorces can be complicated and take years. But for people like Ms. Raymond, who are female, poor and have precarious immigration status (Ms. Raymond has a temporary work permit), obtaining a divorce can be extraordinarily difficult.

When a domestic violence survivor seeks a divorce, she will most likely be faced with at least three obstacles: the sometimes-prohibitive costs of a private attorney; a legally complex Supreme Court that makes it nearly impossible to represent oneself; and the fact that the abused party must track down her spouse (barring a rare exception granted by a judge) to serve him divorce papers.

Nanny, 39, who asked to go by her nickname because she lives in a domestic violence shelter, made her own money. She worked in construction, painted nails, decorated for parties. When she first married her husband — after a whirlwind six-month romance — things were mostly fine. The only problem, she said, was that he was an extravagant liar.

They had two children together over 16 years of marriage, and the lies gradually deepened. As Nanny recalled, he told his family she slept all day and didn’t work; he cheated on her and vehemently denied it; he told their children their mother slept around.

Then, in the spring of 2016, Nanny’s 11-year-old daughter got into trouble at school, and Nanny said she returned home to find her husband in a rage. He was screaming, Nanny recalled, and then began smashing things from their daughter’s vanity: perfume, jewelry, a cup filled with pens. He grabbed their daughter and started hitting her until Nanny threw herself on top of her to protect her from the blows. “It was like he lost his mind,” she said.

Soon after the incident, Nanny said she found a suicide note written by her daughter on lined yellow legal paper. She first mistook it for homework.

“She was 11,” Nanny said. “Everything he used to tell her, she believed.”

Nanny said that she alerted her daughter’s principal and brought her to the hospital for counseling. Soon, she and her children moved into a shelter run by Safe Horizon, one of the city’s largest domestic violence services providers. She also made a decision she hoped would change both her and her daughter’s life: to file for divorce. But she quickly discovered she didn’t make enough money to hire a lawyer. Two years later, Nanny is still married.

It’s not that she didn’t try. First Nanny turned to private lawyers, who estimated that representation would cost around $3,000 or more. New York guarantees lawyers for poor people who cannot afford them in a range of Family Court cases including child custody and domestic violence proceedings. But divorce cases, even in the context of domestic violence, always occur in Supreme Court, not in Family Court, and litigants do not have a right to counsel for the full case.

So Nanny decided to represent herself.

She arrived at the courthouse in Brooklyn and was instantly daunted. “I was nervous,” Nanny said. “It was like throwing a piece of meat in a lion cage.” Supreme Court officials gave her piles of paperwork and told her she was on her own. After that, she said, “I just gave up.”

Domestic violence survivors seek divorces for reasons both emotional and logistical. They want to sever their legal and financial ties with their abusers, making sure their assets or earnings can’t go to their ex-partner, and want to prevent ex-spouses from finding them in the hospital or making medical decisions for them. Then there’s the issue of marrying again or having children with someone new. New York has a “presumption of legitimacy” law that assumes a child born to a married couple belongs to both spouses, even if the parents are separated.

But above all, the women just want to move on with their lives.

Marleny, 32, who asked that her last name not be used because she fears legal retribution from her ex-husband, was one of the luckier ones. It took her only two years to get divorced.

Marleny moved with her new husband from the Dominican Republic to the United States in 2005. She knew no one else. Soon, she recalled, he was drinking heavily and often coming home violent. Sometimes he would disappear for weeks at a time.

In 2015, her husband served Marleny with divorce papers, including a request for full custody of their child. She brought the papers to a lawyer — and then another, and then another. Each told her the starting fees for her case would be around $6,000. But she worked part-time at a beauty salon. She, too, ended up at Supreme Court alone.

“They said, ‘You have to come back with an attorney,’” she recalled. “‘You cannot see the judge without an attorney.’” Her case, which involved custody of her son and their shared home, was too complicated for her to navigate on her own. “I couldn’t do it without an attorney, and I couldn’t afford an attorney,” Marleny said. “I was at a point where I felt like everything was over.”

Then her husband kicked her out of their home, she said. When Marleny went to her local police precinct, someone there directed her to the Brooklyn Family Justice Center, a partnership between the Kings County District Attorney’s office and the Mayor’s Office to Combat Domestic Violence. There she found a lawyer who represented her for free in Supreme Court, and her divorce was finalized in 2017. She won full custody of her child.

Ms. Raymond, too, ultimately found a lawyer, at no cost to her, through the New York Legal Assistance Group. The lawyer tracked down her husband at his mother’s house, where he was avoiding being served; the court allowed them to serve his mother instead. On April 12, after two years and five months, she finally succeeded in divorcing him.

“I was so happy,” Ms. Raymond said. Her lawyer sent her the judgment in an email and she printed it out, almost unbelieving. “I was shouting and giving thanks.”

Survivors of abuse trying to get divorced say these organizations have been vital to them — but there are simply not enough lawyers at nonprofit agencies or city-funded organizations to match the volume of need.

“There’s a strong desire among our clients to divorce their abusers, and a dearth of resources when it comes to representation in their divorces,” said Amanda Norejko, the director of the Matrimonial/Economic Justice Project at Sanctuary for Families, a nonprofit.

Even for those who obtain legal services for free, cases can drag on for years. Some lawyers and experts say that abusers deliberately draw out the process, keeping their ex-partners tethered to them legally. As months turn into years, those seeking the divorce may be more willing to give in on issues of visitation or child support in order to put an end to the case.

Abusive partners can also prolong the process by simply disappearing.

Enedina, who asked that her last name not be used because she has an ongoing legal case against her husband involving a child, experienced this problem firsthand when her husband moved to Mexico. Although a staff attorney from the New York Legal Assistance Group is working with her for free, she still had to hire another agent to serve the papers to him. Her attempts to track down her husband and serve him the papers have dragged on for years. Now 40, she is coming up on the three-year mark of trying to get a divorce. “I don’t feel free,” she said one afternoon, sitting in a Starbucks as pop music played in the background. “I’ll probably be free in 20 years or so.”

+ D.2. FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

DivorceBuoy Jun 16, 2018

Good day to you. How are the www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

I came across this interesting note from Match.com. I am not endorsing it, only providing information.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

When friends find themselves attracted to each other physically but not romantically, they can end up in the bedroom and that’s what we call Friends with Benefits or FWB. According to this year’s Singles in America survey, FWB relationships are very much alive and well with 55% of singles reporting that they’ve had one.

So, how do you go from friends to FWBs? 88% of women and 73% of men say it just happens! The bigger question though is if FWB relationships ever make their way from casual hangouts and late-night meetups to planned dates and even labels (i.e. “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”)? The answer: Heck yes! In fact, almost half (45%) of the singles surveyed for Singles in America have had a FWB turn into something more. Here are the top 5 reasons why their friends with benefits setup evolved into a committed relationship:

1	“I felt comfortable in their presence”
2	“I began to feel deeply attached”
3	“The sex was great”
4	“I began to fall in love”
5	“I was interested in more commitment when beginning the relationship”

If you’re debating whether or not to get in bed with a friend, it might be comforting to know that 86% of the singles we surveyed said they have NO regrets about having dabbled in a FWB relationship. Whatever or whoever you decide to do just be safe and have fun!

+ D.3. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY 2018

DivorceBuoy Jun 17, 2018

Good evening to all.

One thing that we all have in common is…that we have a father. The father’s associated with all of us may be really good, loving, guiding, etc. Other fathers may have never appeared or been in your life. Yes, that is sad.

Most of the material that you will see will state – girls get their self esteem from their fathers. Father, you need to be there, especially for your daughters! Please keep that in mind.

For the folks out there that are lucky enough to still have a living and active father – please take a moment to say thanks to your dad. They will love you for it.

Fathers – for the fathers out there who little or no contact with your children – I fee for ya. I know of two folks who are estranged from some of their kids and it hurts. Maybe there is a chance that your kids will mature, see the benefits of having a relationship with their dad. Maybe there is a chance that your exwife will also come to her senses, realizing that having ‘all of her kids’ is not in their best interest. Maybe??!!

All for now.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ D.4. DEATH OF A SPOUSE; DATING AND MARRIAGE AFTER THEIR DEATH

DivorceBuoy Jun 18, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

I came across an article today that has some personal meaning. My first wife died and before she died she wrote a note to me ‘releasing’ me and encouraging me to find another woman.

A little over a year ago, my wife, Amy Krouse Rosenthal, published an Essay called “You May Want to Marry My Husband.” At 51, Amy was dying from ovarian cancer. She wrote her essay in the form of a personal ad. It was more like a love letter to me.

Those words would be the final ones Amy published. She died 10 days later.”

…”Letters poured in from around the world. They included notes of admiration, medical advice, commiseration and offers from women to meet me. I was to consumed with grief during Amy’s final days to engage with the responses. It was strange having any attention directed at me right then, but the outpouring did make me appreciate the significance of her work.”

…”If I can convey a message I have learned from this bestowal, it would be this: Talk with your mate, your children and other loved ones about what you want from them when you are gone. By doing this, you give them liberty to live a full life and eventually find meaning again. There will be so much pain, and they will think of you daily. But they will carry on and make a new future, knowing you gave them permission and even encouragement to do so.”

I hope that you find meaning and solace in this article. Dating after the death of a spouse is not easy, but life will GO ON IF YOU CHOSE TO LIVE IT!!

Good luck to ya!

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress

Buoy

More details:

She encouraged her husband to find new love after she was gone. A year later, he reflects on what her generosity has meant to him.

I am that guy.

A little over a year ago, my wife, Amy Krouse Rosenthal, published a Modern Love essay called “You May Want to Marry My Husband.” At 51, Amy was dying from ovarian cancer. She wrote her essay in the form of a personal ad. It was more like a love letter to me.

Those words would be the final ones Amy published. She died 10 days later.

Amy couldn’t have known that her essay would afford me an opportunity to fill this same column with words of my own for Father’s Day, telling you what has happened since. I don’t pretend to have Amy’s extraordinary gift with words and wordplay, but here goes.

During our life together, Amy was a prolific writer, publishing children’s books, memoirs and articles. Knowing she had only a short time to live, she wanted to finish one last project. We were engaged then in home hospice, a seemingly beautiful way to deal with the end of life, where you care for your loved one in familiar surroundings, away from the hospital with its beeping machines and frequent disruptions.

I was posted up at the dining room table overlooking our living room, where Amy had established her workstation. From her spot on the couch, she worked away between micro-naps.

These brief moments of peace were induced by the morphine needed to control her symptoms. A tumor had created a complete bowel obstruction, making it impossible for her to eat solid food. She would flutter away on the keyboard, doze for a bit, then awake and repeat.

When Amy finished her essay, she gave it to me to read, as she had done with all of her writing. But this time was different. In her memoirs she had written about the children and me, but not like this. How was she able to combine such feelings of unbearable sadness, ironic humor and total honesty?

When the essay was published, Amy was too sick to appreciate it. As the international reaction became overwhelming, I was torn up thinking how she was missing the profound impact her words were having. The reach of Amy’s article — and of her greater body of work — was so much deeper and richer than I knew.

Letters poured in from around the world. They included notes of admiration, medical advice, commiseration and offers from women to meet me. I was too consumed with grief during Amy’s final days to engage with the responses. It was strange having any attention directed at me right then, but the outpouring did make me appreciate the significance of her work.

When people ask me to describe myself, I always start with “dad,” yet I spent a great deal of my adult life being known as “Amy’s husband.” People knew of Amy and her writing, while I had lived in relative anonymity. I had no social media presence and my profession, a lawyer, did not cast me into public view.

After Amy died, I faced countless decisions in my new role as a single father. As in any marriage or union of two people with children, we had a natural division of labor. Not anymore. People often assumed Amy was disorganized because she had list upon list: scattered Post-it notes, scraps of paper and even messages scrawled on her hand. But she was one of the most organized people I have ever met.

There are aspects of everyday life I have taken on that I never gave much consideration to in the past. How did Amy hold everything together so seamlessly? I am capable of doing many things on my own, but two people can accomplish so much more together and also support each other through life’s ups and downs.

Many women took Amy up on her offer, sending me a range of messages — overly forward, funny, wise, moving, sincere. In a six-page handwritten letter, one woman marketed her automotive knowledge, apparently in an effort to woo me: “I do know how to check the radiator in the vehicle to see if it may need a tad of water before the engine blows up.”

While I do not know much about reality TV, there was also this touching letter submitted by the child of a single mother, who wrote: “I’d like to submit an application for my mom, like friends and family can do for participants on ‘The Bachelor.’”

And I appreciated the sentiment and style of the woman who wrote this: “I have this image of queues of hopeful women at the Green Mill Jazz Club on Thursday nights. Single mothers, elegant divorcées, spinster aunts, bored housewives, daughters, wilting violets … all in anxious anticipation as to whether the shoe will fit, fit them alone, that the prince from the fairy tale is meant for them. That they are the right person.”

I couldn’t digest any of these messages at the time, but I have since found solace and even laughter in many of them. One thing I have come to understand, though, is what a gift Amy gave me by emphasizing that I had a long life to fill with joy, happiness and love. Her edict to fill my own empty space with a new story has given me permission to make the most out of my remaining time on this planet.

If I can convey a message I have learned from this bestowal, it would be this: Talk with your mate, your children and other loved ones about what you want for them when you are gone. By doing this, you give them liberty to live a full life and eventually find meaning again. There will be so much pain, and they will think of you daily. But they will carry on and make a new future, knowing you gave them permission and even encouragement to do so.

I want more time with Amy. I want more time picnicking and listening to music at Millennium Park. I want more Shabbat dinners with the five of us Rosies (as we Rosenthals are referred to by our family).

I would even gladly put up with Amy taking as much time as she wants to say goodbye to everyone at our family gatherings, as she always used to do, even after we had been there for hours, had a long drive home ahead of us and likely would see them again in a few days.

I wish I had more of all of those things, just as Amy had wished for more. But more wasn’t going to happen for her or us. Instead, as she described, we followed Plan “Be,” which was about being present in our lives because time was running short. So we did our best to live in the moment until we had no more moments left.

The cruelest irony of my life is that it took me losing my best friend, my wife of 26 years and the mother of my three children, to truly appreciate each and every day. I know that sounds like a cliché, and it is, but it’s true.

Amy continues to open doors for me, to affect my choices, to send me off into the world to make the most of it. Recently I gave a TED Talk on the end of life and my grieving process that I hope will help others — not something I ever pictured myself doing, but I’m grateful for the chance to connect with people in a similar position. And of course I am writing to you now only because of her.

I am now aware, in a way I wish I never had to learn, that loss is loss is loss, whether it’s a divorce, losing a job, having a beloved pet die or enduring the death of a family member. In that respect, I am no different. But my wife gave me a gift at the end of her column when she left me that empty space, one I would like to offer you. A blank space to fill. The freedom and permission to write your own story.

Here is your empty space. What will you do with your own fresh start?

+ D.5. ENDING A RELATIONSHIP – IT COULD BE POSITIVE!!??

DivorceBuoy Jun 23, 2018

Good evening www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

How are ya? I am doin’ pretty good. I came across an article that probably relates to all of us, in some fashion, and may apply more recently to some of us.

? Have you ended a relationship with someone who you were dating? Did it hurt? Were you the break up ‘ee or the breaker?

Please take a minute to read, enjoy, and consider the remedies offered.

“As you reflect on your newfound singledom, here are a few things to keep in mind.”

“When I used to get dumped, I had a habit of clinging to my ex-boyfriends’ oversized sweaters, hoping they’d materialize into the people I once loved.”

“As my eyes sagged like sad hammocks from under the sweatshirt’s hood, my well-meaing circle of friends buzzed with advice.”

“Here are few things to keep in mind:

Validate your suffering

Channel negative energy

Devise a plan

Time to start again? If you’re no longer sobbing at the sound of your shared songs and feel the urge to go out, you might be ready to reactivate your dating app account.”

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

When I used to get dumped, I had a habit of clinging to my ex-boyfriends’ oversized sweaters, hoping they’d materialize into the people I once loved.

As my eyes sagged like sad hammocks from under the sweatshirt’s hood, my well-meaning circle of friends buzzed with advice.

“Get bangs, but don’t do them yourself.”

“Open an Etsy shop.”

“Change your identity and move to a foreign country.”

While my bone structure is in no way conducive to bangs, and I have no remarkable crocheting skills to profit from, I found comfort in being productive. Whether I was doing something radical or small, just doing something seemed more appealing than spiraling. Rather than sulking, I learned to turn my post-breakupslumps into easy excuses to better myself and do the things I never had time for. I could finally learn to enjoy my own company, either by getting to know myself better or growing into a version of myself I preferred.

Pop culture has trained us to think of breakups as excuses to binge on ice cream in the dark for a month. But that doesn’t help anyone. So as you reflect on your newfound singledom, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Validate your suffering

Immediately booking a flight to Cancun isn’t necessarily a suitable plan for everyone. Grieving takes time. It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather an essential step toward accepting change.

“What I’ve found sticks with people seeking to be less preoccupied with something that was once very important to them is intentional grieving,” said Amanda Luterman, a clinical psychotherapist specializing in sexuality.

“Consciously choose to remember why it hurts to no longer be in the relationship, and validate the suffering,” she said, adding that it’s helpful to think of your former relationship as a part of what makes you who you are.

Intentional grieving is a skill you can learn, just like any other.

To start, think of five memories in which you genuinely felt happy with the person. Don’t discredit them. Honor your having chosen the person, force a smile and leave happy memories as positive.

“Those memories have not disappeared with your relationship status,” Ms. Luterman said. “You deserve to continue to value them. You look attractive in that photo, you did go zip-lining, your costumes actually were amazing, your bravery that day was due to each other, your meals really were delicious, your laughing was real.”

Playing the role of a partner or a spouse is a significant chunk of a person’s identity and that’s O.K. — but it means much of our suffering is tied to our inability to operate outside of that frame. A breakup presents an opportunity to finally learn to accept yourself on your own.

“What’s common is for people to believe that if they were ‘more’ — a better person, more attractive, more successful, sexier, funnier or simply a more lovable human being — their partner would have loved them enough and it would have been a good relationship,” said Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.”

Channel negative energy

Taking care of oneself looks different for everyone, so listen to your needs. Think of picking up a hobby without having any immediate expectations, or tackling a project you’ve been putting off for years without putting the pressure of completion on yourself.

“Being happy as a person on your own sets the groundwork for being the best you in other relationships, including romantic and platonic relationships,” said Dr. Michele Kerulis, counseling professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

“When people decide what happens in advance, it can be upsetting and anxiety provoking when it doesn’t pan out,” Dr. Bobby said.

Center your recovery on yourself. Bad-mouthing your ex might feel cathartic, but it’s not going to help you heal in the long run. Instead, Dr. Bobby suggests alternate outlets like exercising or writing. Finding a physiological release through experiential activities helps make sense of confusing emotions like anger, grief and guilt.

If that sounds a little too abstract, it’s not: Our limbic brain system that feels emotions is unable to distinguish between things we’re thinking about and experiencing in reality, according to Dr. Bobby.

And then there’s the “post-breakup bod,” touted among celebrities as the ultimate revenge. But there’s truth to exercise’s healing properties.

“When stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are dumped into our bloodstream our hearts pound, our muscles tense, we’re sweaty and hyper-focused on the threatening thoughts we’re indulging,” Dr. Bobby said, adding that our feelings of anger or pain can translate to physiological pain and push us into a state of elevation akin to a “fight or flight response.”

Devise a plan

Rein in your impulses to re-enact Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” video — now it’s time to restructure your life as a single person.

At the beginning of your breakup, document your emotions during your most vulnerable moments. Six months later, evaluate your growth, Dr. Bobby suggests. Take comfort in your control of your emotions. You have the power to steer yourself in the right direction.

“Time alone does not heal,” Dr. Bobby said. “It is an active, intentional process.”

Depending on your level of anxiety, you might need more near-term guidance. Ms. Luterman suggests thinking in blocks of seven days at a time so as not to do something you’ll likely regret later.

“Anticipate and discuss challenging moments like running into your ex or explaining the end of the relationship to prepare and cope with difficult feelings as they arise,” she said.

When confronted with the dreaded “What happened?” question at events, Dr. Kerulis suggests preparing a statement to deflect the topic. Try: “It just wasn’t working out and we have gone our separate ways,” or, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore and I’m bummed about it. But tonight I want to focus on fun and positive things.” Then transition into talking about all the fun things you’ve been up to in your new single lifestyle.

Still, don’t fall into the trap of deluding yourself into believing that nothing tragic happened to you — it did, and it will be unpleasant. So acknowledge the psychological distress and suffering that the end of a relationship can spark.

“Someone out there is walking around unsupervised with all this information about you at your recent worst,” Ms. Luterman said. That’s “terrifying. Your symptomatic history of being bullied, talked about behind your back, mocked and excluded is back in full swing,” she said.

Time to start again?

If you’re no longer sobbing at the sound of your shared songs and feel the urge to go out, you might be ready to reactivate your dating app account. “Do a gut check with yourself,” said Vikki S. Ziegler, family law lawyer and star of two seasons of Bravo TV’s “Untying the Knot.” But if those shared songs inspire you to send a 2 a.m. “u up?” text, have a trusted friend vet it first.

Should getting back together be something you’re considering, Dr. Bobby recommends asking yourself these crucial questions: Are they open to making changes? Are there things you can change? Are they open to couples therapy?

She added that, particularly for couples with a long history and children, “if you’re both actively working on it and if over the period of three months it feels different and gives you hope, that’s a great indication it’s worth another shot.”

+ D.6. DATING – HOW IS YOUR ATTRACTION WITH YOUR DATE?

DivorceBuoy Jun 23, 2018

The world of dating. Plenty of them out there and with plenty of bits of advice. Here is an article to take a look at. Maybe it’s you.

Dating is a part of divorce, either before marriage or after divorce. Most people that I talk to state that…dating sucks!!

Attraction – when you meet someone you can probably tell within seconds whether or not you will be attracted to the other person. Here is an article in the Washington Post for you to consider reading and digesting. Enjoy. I discovered this article recently although it is about a 1/2 yr old. It still applies.

“Funny that, because they’re both in the market for something serious. Both exited relationships last year, ad both have been casually dating since then.”

Enjoy.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

Details:

+ D.7. KISSING 101. HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT IT?? DOES IT MATTER??

DivorceBuoy Jul 27, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy guys and dolls. This website is designed to help people with all phases of divorce. One of those phases is dating. One aspect of dating is that first kiss. That memorable kiss that comes early in a relationship. Is it a good memory or a bad memory?

How about we keep this subject a bit light. Divorce is painful. Dating can be painful. How about kissing? Guess that could be painful too.

The genesis of this post is from a person with the initials GS. I have tried to keep this website gender neutral and I will keep this post gender neutral. If I would tell you the gender of GS then it might slight you towards an opinion based upon GS’s sex. Let’s begin.

The link above is to a very good article by Samantha Bonar, an LA Times staff writer, January 5, 2006. LOOSE LIPS MAY SINK (relation)SHIPS. “A kiss isn’t just a kiss. Do it right, and it can be the key to her heart.”

“FOR 99.9% of women, bad kissing is a deal-breaker. A very fast deal-breaker.”

“A woman will give you one pass for nervousness. If the second kissing experience is poor. That’s it. You’re done.”

If I were you out there in ‘dating land’ I would take a look at this article and try to understand the art of kissing. It can only help!!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Buoy

I hope to do some more research on the art of kissing and publish it right here in the coming wks. Buoy

MORE INFO:

A woman who lets you proceed past Strike 2 is either a virgin, mentally impaired or 85 years old, usually all three.

Luckily, poor kissers are rare. From my poll of friends, I’d say that about one in five kissers ranks as abysmal. The majority are passable. Another 20% make your knees buckle and your mind turn to mush.

My first boyfriend was an awful kisser. I didn’t know; I thought I just didn’t like kissing. One of my female friends at the time asked me: “Have you ever been kissed where you feel like you’re going to faint?” I looked at her like she was speaking Tagalog. Slightly nauseous, yes. Faint, no.

I was not immediately attracted to my next boyfriend. But when he kissed me, I felt like I was going to melt onto the floor. He turned out to be a supreme jerk in a lot of ways, but his kissing always made me forget all his selfish behavior and kept me dizzily hooked — for years.

Guys need to understand the power of a kiss. A bad kiss will preempt a relationship. A good kiss can make a relationship last much longer than it should.

Here are some common kissing abominations.

* The Washing Machine (Spin Cycle): This is the guy who moves his tongue around and around in a circle in your mouth. What the purpose of this is, I have no idea. Maybe they think your mouth needs cleaning.

* The Engulfer: When a man opens his mouth so wide he engulfs the entire lower half of your face. Your mouth is lost somewhere in the chasm like Tom Sawyer in the cave.

* The Slobberer: I have a dog, OK?

* The Masher: This is the guy who thinks, “The harder I press my mouth against hers, the more passionate I seem! I mean, that’s what it looks like in the movies, right?” Meanwhile, your lips have gone numb.

* The Deep-Sea Fisher: Yes, indeed, my gag reflex does work!

* The No-Kissing-Foreplay: This guy doesn’t start with some gentle closed-mouth kisses. He immediately thrusts his tongue into your mouth like a wet rag. See the Dead Cod.

* The Dentist: Likes to lick individual teeth, not unlike an oral exam but without the paper bib, which would be useful because this guy tends to morph into the Drooler.

* The (Hard) Biter: Most of us learned in preschool that it is not nice to bite other people. See also: the Hair Puller.

* The Dead Cod: This guy sticks his tongue in your mouth and just leaves it there, motionless.

* The Timid Tongue: This fellow opens his mouth, but holds his tongue back behind his teeth like an eel hiding in the rocks. The result is a lot of empty air with a distinctly awkward flavor. A close relative of the Baby Bird. No, Mama’s not going to drop something into your mouth.

* The Reptile: Tongue-flicking belongs in the wild on slithering, hissing creatures.

* The Vacuum: It’s like making out with an anteater.

What all of these bad kissers have in common is that they are detached from the experience. Because if they were engaged with the person plastered against them, they would be able to read the subtle feedback cues about what the woman is responding to and what she is not. In fact, that is exactly what makes a good kisser. They are sensitive to the physical feedback they are receiving and adjust their moves accordingly.

It’s like having a conversation. Ideally, it is two-way. But sometimes, people just talk at you.

The bad kissers I’ve been with have invariably exclaimed: “Wow! That was amazing!” after we’ve kissed, proving just how unaware they were of my experience of the smooching.

Poor kissers are hung up on technique. It is like they are saying to themselves, “Let me try this move, then that one, then this one,” going through a mental list. That mind-set is akin to: If I press the buttons in the right order, I’ll get a prize. But women aren’t something you do something to. They are beings you interact with. Be emotionally and physically present with her, and you’ll seal the deal instead of breaking it.

Because, men, this is an iron-clad guarantee: If the woman doesn’t like the kiss, you will never, ever find out what’s below her neck. Another thing every woman knows is that if a guy is a bad kisser, it bodes poorly for more intimate forms of contact.

Kissing is a form of communication. Sometimes all a woman can reply is: “Ewww!” … I mean, “No thanks.”

+ D.8. KISSING 101 – PART 2

DivorceBuoy Jul 28, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. How about one more blog about … kissing? You will see that there is a ton of info on the subject online and in print!

? How many Google results were returned when I searched KISSING TECHNIQUES? 17,200,000!! Wow, lots of opinions on the topic.

Which of the 17 million sites do I visit for my virtual research and which site do I take as the authority on kissing? Ah, sort of an easy answer…COSMO.

“Kissing is something we often take for granted, at least as adults. After you’ve moved past the early teen years where it was a huge deal, it almost seems like the least of our dating life concerns. But let’s be real: you can always improve upon the art of lip-locking. We asked Andrea Demirjian, author of KISSING – EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABUT ONE OF LIFE’S SWEETEST PLEASURES, about what everyone needs to know about smashing your lips together.”

“The First Kiss Doesn’t Need to Be Fancy. While your first instinct might be to pull out all the stops and impress your partner with some cherry-stem knotting kisses, remember that the first kiss is actually more about what you don’t show them. You want to draw them in enough so that they come back for more. “The first kiss is really key as it’s pretty much signals ‘green’ or ‘red’ for pursuing romance,” says Demirjian. “While you many not be judged so much on fancy technique – sometimes the kiss is brief – you want that first to be pleasant enough to guarantee another.”

There are some ‘do’s’ that the author recommends. Here are the don’ts:

1. Don’t go in too fast or forcefully.

2. Don’t lead with your tongue.

3. Don’t think of kissing as a means to sex.

Ok, good luck and good luck with your trial and (few) errors.
Hope, Health, and Happiness

Buoy

A few more detais:

Kissing is something we often take for granted, at least as adults. After you’ve moved past the early teen years where it was a huge deal, it almost seems like the least of your dating life concerns. But let’s be real: you can always improve upon the art of lip-locking. We asked Andréa Demirjian, author of KISSING – Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About One of Life’s Sweetest Pleasures, about what everyone needs to know about smashing your lips together.

Demirjian suggests sticking to healthy oral hygiene routines: “Flossing and brushing keeps bacteria at bay, drinking plenty of water helps with general mouth health, and moisturizing your lips ensures they’re not chapped and rough. “Don’t forget,” she adds: “kissing is so much about the sensory experience — taste, smell, touch — so make sure you don’t get dinged on a technicality like dodgy breath or snaggy lips.”

The First Kiss Doesn’t Need to Be Fancy

While your first instinct might be to pull out all the stops and impress your partner with some cherry-stem-knotting kisses, remember that the first kiss is actually more about what you don’t show them. You want to draw them in enough so that they come back for more. “The first kiss is really key as it’s pretty much signals ‘green’ or ‘red’ for pursuing romance,” says Demirjian. “While you may not be judged so much on fancy technique — sometimes the kiss is brief — you do want that first to be pleasant enough to guarantee another.”

+ D. 9. DIVORCE – YOU (2) CAN FIX IT!!

DivorceBuoy Aug 4, 2018

Hello from Boston, MA. Just a few thoughts about divorce. You (2) can fix it.

I have witnessed a married couple who have been married for 22 years. They are currently in a stressful and destructive back and forth. They are in a spiral of ‘marriage failure’ and they are both responsible for the direction that the marriage is going.

I am not an expert. I have not been formally trained in marriage counseling. I have had one great marriage, my first, that ended in the passing of my wife. I have had 2 other marriages that have ended in divorce so I figure that I have learned a few things.

Number one – stop the destructive behavior and the painful back and forth. It may be normal and initially feel good to reply in a bitter way to a painful verbal attack by your spouse but all you do it add fuel to the first. Stop! Let the ‘fire of hatred’ burn out a little by not engaging. It may take you a few days or two of restraint but you will see the situation start to diffuse.

Number two – after the situation has diffused try and talk. Try to bring up the most hurtful aspect of your spouse’s behavior and do it in such a way as to not make it to personal. Yes, it is hard to not make it personal since you are specifically talking about your spouse but you can do it in a way that it is not inflammatory.

Number three – seek help. The female person in this marriage that I have witnessed over the last few days was talking to a relative about the challenging marriage and the person that was spoken to said…seek help. Yes, there are qualified people out there who can facilitate some peace, progress, or a change in direction.

Number four – try harder, especially if you have kids. Question – are the kids better off in a home with their mother and father or are they better off in a divorced house? Generally speaking, the kids are better off in a married house with their mother and father. However, often times one of the spouses puts themselves ahead of the needs of their children. The children will be scarred in a divorce. Just can’t avoid it. But you can minimize the marital scarring of your kids by being RESPECTFUL. Yes, being respectful is a key word. Often times in a rocky marriage one or both of the people are not respectful. They will say or do things that they would not do to a friend. Being respectful will reduce the friction, guaranteed.

All for now. I’ll will get back to some other positive aspects of divorce and dating like…kissing, etc.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS.

Best to ya!! Buoy

+ D.10. KISSING 101 – PART 3

DivorceBuoy Aug 13, 2018

Good day to you divorcebuoy folks.

Here is the final post related to kissing. Just thought I’d post something that would be sort of fun and informative, especially if you are new to dating after a few years of a dead relationship/marriage that ended in divorce.

Here you are, dating, and you meet someone and you have that first kiss. How did it feel? There are millions for websites that you can Google that will provide all sorts of info related to kissing, whether you are a male or a female.

Out of the millions of websites that have info on kissing I have chosen to include some details from Muscle and Fitness. I am not endorsing this magazine, nor am I recommending using the techniques that are in the article. The reason I chose this magazine is that I am a fit and active person and I thought that there may be a parallel??

13 KISSING TECHNIQUES TO IGNITE YOUR SEX LIFE by Vanessa Marin

“At this point in your life, you’ve got the kissing basics down pat: brush your teeth, slap on some Chapstick, and take it easy with the tongue

But when was the last time you actually put any effort into upping your kissing game beyond the basics? If you are like most men, kissing technique isn’t something you’ve thought about for years. Decades, even.

That’s a shame, because being a great kisser is a highly underrated quality in a man. If you’re ready to take your kissing to the next level, here are 13 tips that will ignite your sex life.”

1. “Start slow. One of the biggest kissing complaints I hear from the women in my sex therapy practice is when men go for the kill right away. No one likes feeling attacked.

2. Take your time.

3. Follow her lead.

4. Get the rest of the body involved. There’s nothing worse than feeling a man’s body limply hanging next to yours while you’re kissing. Increase the intensity of your kisses by putting your body to work. Press your body against hers. Wrap her up in your arms. Pull her closer to you.

5. Use your hands.

6. Play with her hair. I know it sounds cliche, but most women love having their hair played with…

7. Brush her lips with yours.

8. Divide and conquer. Pay separate attention to her upper and lower lip.

9. (Gently) bit her lips…

10. …or suck on her lips

11. Make eye contact. Don’t keep your eyes open the entire time you’re kissing; that’s just creepy. But do take little breaks from kissing to pull back and make eye contact with her for a brief moment.

12. Taunt her. Most women love to be teased, and kissing is a fantastic way to tease.

13. Explore other parts of her body.

There you have it. I hope that you have emerged from any heartache and emotional affect from your marriage or divorce to begin dating again. Yes, dating can suck but it can also be a wonderful time in your life.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness (and a good kiss).

Seeya, Buoy

THESE ARE 2 LINKS BELOW. JUST CLICK ON THEM/HOVER YOUR CURSOR OVER THE CONTENT.

13 kissing techniques to ignite your sex life

+ E.1. DATING – MODERN ROMANCE BOOK REVIEW, PART ONE

DivorceBuoy Aug 15, 2018

Good morning divorcebuoy folks. How are ya? I am doin’ pretty good. On the road but home later tonight so I have some time to share a completed book with you.

MODERN ROMANCE by Aziz Ansari with Eric Klinenberg. I highly recommend this book if you are in the dating mode.

? How many of you think that dating suck? It seems that most of the people that I run into and have a conversation about dating seem to feel that dating sucks. Why does it suck I ask?

People that are not truthful or honest

People that are not very connected, either by phone of text or email

People that misrepresent who they are or who they have been

People that do not know what they want

People that just fade away (ghosting)

People that are gross, which seems to be mainly men who are vulgar in their comments or in their pictures

Azis tries to examine the modern dating world and there is often reality in what he says and humor in what he discovers.

7 – there are seven chapters

Searching for your soul mate

The initial ask

Online dating

Choice and options

International investigations of love

Old issues, new forms: sexting, cheating, snooping, and breaking up

Settling down

“Oh, shit! Thanks for buying my book. That money is MINE. But I worked really hard on this and I think you’ll enjoy it.” That was his lead in paragraph in the introduction section.

“The more I thought about these changes, the more I had to write this book. But I also knew that I, bozo comedian Aziz Ansari, probably couldn’t tackle this topic on my own, and I decided to reach out to some very smart people to guide me. I teamed up with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, and we designed a massive research project, one that would require more than a year of investigation in cities across the world and involve some of the leading experts on love and romance.”

“Today, if you own a smartphone, you are carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket. Press a few buttons at any time of the day, and you’re instantly immersed in a ocean of romantic possibilities.”

“Asking someone out on a date is on simple task that frequently becomes a terrifying conundrum of fear, self-doubt, and anxiety. It’s full of tough decisions: How do I ask? In person? Phone call? Text? What do I say? Could this person be the person I end up spending the rest of my life with? What if this is the only person for me? What if I fuck it all up with the wrong message?”

There ya go. A little intro into what Aziz is thinking and discovering.

Have a great day!!

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

+ E.2. DIVORCE….GET OVER IT!!!

DivorceBuoy Mar 30, 2017

Good afternoon divorcebuoy faithful. I hope that your spring has sprung in a good way.

I have some advice for ya…..get over your divorce.

I met a person the other day who was divorced 4 yrs ago and is still angry. This person is even angry at the gender of their former spouse. Wow!

Not that you have to turn the other cheek buttttt it was easy for me to see, having been divorced twice, that this person is not even trying to make themselves appealing to the opposite sex and if they were to try to make themselves appealing, in a physical sense, their anger would still overwhelm anyone they dated in a negative way.

How to get over divorce?

1.LIFE IS NOT FAIR! I met a Vietnam War POW and got to know him a bit. He commented about what it was like in the Hanoi Hilton and related a story about an event at the prison where a new POW was given special treatment that they were not given. POWs protested and Vice Admiral Stockdale, who was the USA’s senior ranking member in the camp, said…..”LIfe is not fair.”

2. Move forward, don’t live in the past. You might think of your divorce as a part of the four seasons. You have had your spring with your spouse, and maybe a long and nice summer but the divorce has happened in the fall and the court settlement was complete as winter started. It’s your choice as to whether you live in the winter and suffer …. it’s your choice….or live in the winter and when the spring comes you can to decide to bloom too. Choices, choices….isn’t it nice to have choices??!!

3. Victim or Victor? Again, you have a choice to make. Do you want to play the victim, as this person is doing, or be the victor? When you are the victim you often times get people feeling sorry for you and offering you condolences. However, you will fail to flourish. If you at least try to be the victor, you will move forward to a happier new world and there is a good chance that you will grow in a positive way. Being the victor doesn’t mean that you win. Being the victor means that you tried. You tried to do what was right. You tried to do what made you feel better. You tried to change your life to sustain the good feelings.

? Who would you rather be around? Most likely you would rather be around happy people. People that smile and speak well of their life and their friends.

Choices. Good luck with your choices!!

Remember, progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE HEALTH HAPPINESS.

Buoy

+ E.3. MARRIAGE – OPEN OR CLOSED??

DivorceBuoy Jun 1, 2017

Good day to you divorcebuoy faithful.

? Is a marriage supposed to be open or closed? For me, the answer is easy. From my perspective and from my life a marriage is meant to be closed.

However, our various cultures throughout the world are evolving in some strange ways. Marriage is also evolving in strange ways.

Thanks for visiting our site.

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

more details:

What the experiences of nonmonogamous couples can tell us about jealousy, love, desire and trust.

When Daniel and Elizabeth married in 1993, they found it was easy enough to choose a ring for her, but there were far fewer choices for him. Daniel, then a 27-year-old who worked in information technology, decided to design one himself, requesting that tiny stones be placed in a gold band, like planets orbiting in a solar system. He was happy with the ring, and what it represented, until it became obvious after the wedding that he was allergic to the nickel that was mixed in with the gold in the band. As if in revolt, his finger grew red and raw, beneath the circle of metal. He started to think of the ring as if it were radioactive, an object burning holes in his flesh. A month into the marriage, he took it off and never got around to replacing it.

He and Elizabeth might not tell the story of that ring, with all its obvious metaphorical meaning, as readily as they do if Daniel were, in fact, ambivalent about marriage, so resentful of its boundaries that he found its most potent symbol too toxic to bear. But Daniel is a softhearted bear of a man, affectionate and affection-seeking, someone who entered marriage expecting, if not everlasting passion, at least an enduring physical connection. He was relieved to find, as the years passed, that he still loved his wife — they kissed hello each time they reunited, they made each other laugh and he was someone inclined to appreciate what he had. They had, by all appearances, a happy marriage.

But as with any happy marriage, there were frustrations. Daniel liked sex, and not long after they were married, it became clear that Elizabeth’s interest in it had cooled. She thought hers was the normal response: She was raised by strict Catholics, she would tell Daniel, as if that explained it, and she never saw her own parents hold hands, much less kiss. It was not as if she and Daniel never had sex, but when they did, Daniel often felt lonely in his desire for something more — not necessarily exotic sex but sex in which both partners cared about it, and cared about each other, with one of those interests fueling the other.

Elizabeth, baffled by Daniel’s disappointment, wondered: How great does sex have to be for a person to be happy? Daniel wondered: Don’t I have the right to care this much about sex, about intimacy? Occasionally, when he decided the answer was yes, and he felt some vital part of himself dwindling, Daniel would think about a radical possibility: opening up their marriage to other relationships. He would poke around on the internet and read about other couples’ arrangements. It was both an outlandish idea and, to him, a totally rational one. He eventually even wrote about it in 2009 for a friend who had a blog about sexuality. “As our culture becomes more accepting of choices outside the norm, nonmonogamy will expand as an acceptable choice, and the world will have to change as a result,” he predicted.

He was in his late 30s when he decided to broach the subject with Elizabeth gingerly: Do you ever miss that energy you feel when you’re in love with someone for the first time? They had two children, and he pointed out that having the second did not detract from how much they loved the first one. “Love is additive,” he told her. “It is not finite.” He was not surprised when Elizabeth rejected the idea; he had mostly raised it as a way of communicating the urgency of his needs. Elizabeth did not resent him for bringing it up, but felt stuck: She was not even sure what, exactly, he wanted from her, or how she could give it.

And so they continued on, volunteering at church, celebrating anniversaries, occasionally trying couples therapy and car-pooling their growing son and daughter; and they felt gratitude for those children and fondness for each other alongside bouts of stomach-gnawing dissatisfaction; Elizabeth picked up some work in project management she could do from home, and Daniel commuted, and they quibbled over whether it was time to mow the lawn. And then, one day in August 2013, when she was 44 and Daniel was 47, Elizabeth learned she had Parkinson’s disease.

Elizabeth was still youthful, a student of yoga, a former dance-fitness instructor, her hair long and swingy. But there was a current sending a vibration through her left hand, as if her body was both announcing itself and telegraphing a message about its future. Exercise — which the doctor recommended, to slow the onset — became a mission, an act of defiance and a source of physical pleasure. She joined a hiking group, fighting off fear with new friends, new physicality. She wanted “to do life,” as she put it, and she wanted Daniel to do life with her. But after long weeks of work, Daniel was tired on weekends, maybe even more than usual, as he tried to come to terms with his wife’s diagnosis.

One seismic shift in a marriage often drives another. In the fall of 2015, Elizabeth met a man at a Parkinson’s fund-raiser. Joseph had symptoms similar to Elizabeth’s and also felt he was in his prime. (Daniel, Elizabeth and Joseph requested that their middle names be used and did not want to be photographed to protect their and their children’s privacy.) He asked her to tea once, and then a second time. They understood something profound about each other but also barely knew each other, which allowed for a lightness between them, pure fun in the face of everything. They met once more, and that afternoon, in the parking lot, he kissed her beside his car, someone else’s mouth on hers for the first time in 24 years. It did not occur to her to resist. Hadn’t Daniel wanted an open marriage?

Elizabeth did not announce that the friendship was turning romantic, but she did not deny it either, when Daniel, uneasy with the frequency of her visits with Joseph, confronted her. That she intended to keep seeing Joseph despite Daniel’s obvious distress shamed him: He was suddenly an outsider in his own marriage, scrambling for scraps of information and a sense of control. This was not at all what Daniel had in mind when he proposed opening the marriage. They had not agreed on anything ahead of time; they had not, as a couple, talked about their commitment to each other, about how they would manage and tend to each other’s feelings.

“It wasn’t like we had a conversation about it,” Daniel said the first time I met him, in April 2016, when they were just starting to put that painful period of their relationship behind them. “It was more like: This is what I’m doing — deal with it.” We were at a restaurant near Elizabeth and Daniel’s suburban home in New England, a place where I met them several times over the course of a year, sometimes together and sometimes apart. Usually they sat close to each other, Daniel in a dress shirt he’d worn to the office, Elizabeth dressed like someone on vacation — a beaded bracelet, a sleeveless tank. Elizabeth has a Zen way about her, and as Daniel’s food grew cold while he relayed his past grievance, she looked untroubled. “It caused a lot of pain, so I’m still not even sure why I fought for it the way I did,” she finally said. “I really just felt like it was right, like it was important to my growth. It was like I was choosing to take a stand for my own pleasure and sticking to it. It was so strong, that feeling.”

Elizabeth’s intransigence, and Daniel’s pain, had brought them back into couples therapy. After several months of surveying the situation, which seemed to be deadlocked, the therapist told them in early March 2016 that she thought they were most likely heading for divorce. It was the first time the word had been uttered aloud in that room.

“It was like a fever broke,” Daniel said about Elizabeth’s reaction. She told him, that night, that she was ready to give up the relationship with Joseph if Daniel could not make peace with it. “She was suddenly able to talk about it calmly, and kindly,” Daniel said. “Suddenly my needs mattered again.” As soon as he felt that she cared about his well-being, he was able to consider what she wanted. “When I had no say in the matter, I was miserable,” Daniel said. “When I could say no, suddenly it was — O.K. This opening of our marriage started to seem less like something that was being done to me, and more like something we were doing together.”

For several nights following that therapy session, they talked in their bedroom, with an attention they had not given each other in years, sitting on the strip of rug between the foot of their bed and the wall. The sex, too, was different, more varied, as if reflecting the inventing going on in their marriage. Elizabeth was still someone’s wife, still her children’s mother, but now she was also somebody’s girlfriend, desired and desiring; now her own marriage was also new to her.

When I met Elizabeth and Daniel, Elizabeth had already received Daniel’s permission to keep seeing Joseph; Daniel was contemplating how he might, in turn, meet someone. Their marriage had already strained to accommodate another person, someone whom Elizabeth would meet while Daniel was at work, whom she texted in the car while her husband drove. They had to consider the possibility that the marriage’s resiliency might not withstand the challenges of adding another romance, another person.

But Daniel said he was past the point of fear. “Basically you could say maybe we loved each other before all this — but maybe we were just asleep. And maybe being asleep is more dangerous and worse to you as a person than what’s going on right now. I want to be married, and I don’t want anything to happen to us. But I have no idea what would happen either way. Would you rather be asleep and have things fall apart? Or rather be alive and have things fall apart?”

I met Elizabeth and Daniel through Tammy Nelson, a sex and couples therapist in New Haven and an old friend of theirs. She was not officially their therapist, although she had a particular interest in open relationships. In 2010, she wrote an article in Psychotherapy Networker, a professional publication, about the frequency with which she was encountering married couples whose ideas about fidelity were more lax than those she encountered at the outset of her career. She thought of the phenomenon as “the new monogamy,” which became the title of a book she published in 2012. “The new monogamy is, baldly speaking, the recognition that, for an increasing number of couples, marital attachment involves a more fluid idea of connection to the primary partner than is true of the ‘old monogamy,’ ” she wrote in the article. “Within the new notion of monogamy, each partner assumes that the other is, and will remain, the main attachment, but that outside attachments of one kind or another are allowed — as long as they don’t threaten the primary connection.”

The spectrum of those attachments included one-night stands and ongoing relationships; as she understood it, honesty and transparency, rather than fidelity, were the guiding principles underlying the healthiest of these kinds of marriages. The couples did not perceive their desire to see other people as a symptom of dysfunction but rather as a fairly typical human need that they thought they were up to the challenge of navigating.

Terms have long existed for arrangements similar to those she was seeing — they could fall under the category of polyamory, which involves more than one loving relationship, or the more all-encompassing term, consensual nonmonogamy, which also includes more casual sex outside of marriage or a relationship. (The use of each term implies full knowledge of all parties.) But most of the couples she was seeing did not feel the need to name what they were doing at all. “Most people don’t like the word ‘polyamorous,’ ” Nelson told me. “It’s not easy to say; it sounds a little French, with all respect to the French.”

If pressed to find language, the couples might have said they were in open marriages, a phrase first popularized in 1972, with the publication of “Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples,” by Nena and George O’Neill. The book, which focused mostly on emotional openness, became a best seller, most likely because of a concept it introduced in three pages toward the end. “We are not recommending outside sex,” the authors wrote, “but we are not saying that it should be avoided, either.”

The new monogamy is clearly not entirely new, although it may be an updated version of the old new monogamy, practiced by the ’70s-era suburban spouse-swappers depicted in Gay Talese’s “Thy Neighbor’s Wife,” published in 1980. The married couples Talese portrays are looking for meaning through sexual freedom, wreaking havoc in the wake of their quests. The book was published just as AIDS and Reagan-era conservatism were taking hold, and the next time open relationships would surface in a landmark book was in 1997, with “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities,” written by a marriage and family therapist, Dossie Easton, and her co-author, Janet W. Hardy. Its title announced that the authors endorsed free love but believed it could be practiced with responsible care.

In recent years, probably no one has made the idea of open marriage more accessible than Dan Savage, who coined the word “monogamish” to describe his own relationship status. Savage, an internationally syndicated, podcast-hosting and often-quoted voice on sexual ethics, is gay, married, a father and nonmonogamous. He has used his vast reach to defend consensual nonmonogamy, which Savage says is widely accepted in the male gay community as a choice that can foster a relationship’s longevity, provided all parties involved behave ethically. Some gay men believe that it is easier for them to enter those relationships than heterosexuals, because gay men have had no pre-existing model imposed on them. “I find it more impressive when straight couples are open,” said Logan Ford, 29, who is married and lives in New York. “Gay couples know from the beginning they have to create their own thing.”

Technology also imports nonmonogamy into mainstream heterosexual dating life, making the concept more visible and transparent. On the popular dating site OkCupid, couples seeking other partners can link their profiles; users can filter their searches for people who label themselves “nonmonogamous.” The site, an intimate tool in the romantic lives of its users, renders no judgment, and therefore normalizes, institutionally, a practice few people had neutral language for in the past. Among 40-to-50-year-olds who identify themselves as nonmonogamous on OkCupid, 16 percent also announce that they are married, according to the site.

Divorce, or not marrying in the first place, might seem like a more logical response to a desire for openness. But even as marriage rates have declined in this country, the institution has retained a seductive status for Americans. In his 2010 book, “The Marriage-Go-Round,” Andrew J. Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University, argues that Americans, who are more religious than their counterparts in other wealthy, developed nations, are also more infatuated with marriage. And yet the tradition is nonetheless at odds, he argues, with the country’s emphasis on individualism, a tension that leads to high rates of divorce but also to remarriage, with worrisome outcomes for finances and children. Openness in a marriage, for better or for worse, would seem a natural outgrowth of those conflicting cultural values, especially since same-sex marriage, open adoptions, single-parent homes, and ideas about gender fluidity have already redefined what constitutes a family. Two-thirds of Americans feel that “a growing variety in the types of family arrangements that people live in” is “a good thing” or “makes no difference,” according to a 2013 survey by the Pew Research Center.

And yet open marriages — and to a lesser degree open but nonmarital committed relationships — are still considered so taboo that many of the people I interviewed over the last year resisted giving their names, for fear of social disapprobation and of jeopardizing their jobs. It is no surprise that most conservatives would perceive the concept as a degradation of marriage, of a key foundation of society. But even among progressives I talked to, the subject typically provoked a curled lip or a slack jaw. The thought bubble, or expressed thought: How? How could any married person be comfortable with, or encouraging of, a spouse’s extramarital sex? The subject seemed offensive to many at some primal level, or at least ridiculously self-indulgent, as if those involved — working, married people, people with children — were indecently preoccupied with sexual adventure instead of channeling their energies toward, say, their children, or composting.

Married for 14 years, I felt that same visceral resistance, an emotion so strong it made me curious to understand how others were wholly free of it, or managed to move past it. The divide between those who practiced open relationships and those who found the idea repugnant seemed inexplicably vast, given that members of those two groups often overlap in the same relatively privileged demographic (anyone holding down three jobs to keep a family together is not likely to spend excess emotional energy negotiating and acting on a nonmonogamy agreement). The more I spoke to people in open relationships, the more I wanted to know how they crossed a line into territory that seemed so thorny to their peers. I interviewed more than 50 members of open marriages, some of them a dozen or more times. I was drawn to the couples who were just starting out: What would the following months bring, what would they learn about themselves? I knew I wanted to follow the arc of their marriages, but I underestimated what, in so doing, I might learn about my own.

In mid-March, about two weeks after Elizabeth and Daniel first agreed to think of their marriage as open, they drove toward a bar, where Elizabeth’s boyfriend, Joseph, was waiting for them. Tammy Nelson, their therapist friend, had long been telling Daniel he should meet the man Elizabeth was seeing. “Once you meet him, then you can decide how you feel,” she said. “Because right now, it’s just a story you’re telling yourself.” He was ready, and at Elizabeth’s urging, Joseph, too, had reluctantly agreed to meet. Riding in the car, Elizabeth fielded nervous texts from Joseph, who arrived before them. “I’m going home,” he texted her. “I don’t think I can do this.

Something about Joseph’s anxiety had a calming effect on Daniel. When Elizabeth and Daniel arrived at the bar, the men shook hands. Daniel felt the need to reassure him. “It’s O.K.,” Daniel told him. “We’re good.” He even felt a pang of empathy. Joseph was in a marriage that brought him little joy, but he was committed to it and had not told his wife about the relationship with Elizabeth, certain she wouldn’t accept it.

Daniel, who is tall and dark, has mass to him, and strong features; Joseph has blue eyes and is more compact, a former high-school athlete who still, like Elizabeth, works out with discipline. Daniel’s ideal day entails relaxing around the house or hearing live music; Joseph relishes yardwork and is fastidious about his car. Daniel is a processor, a philosopher, a talker; Joseph is, as Elizabeth often says, “a simple guy.”

Daniel assessed his wife’s boyfriend and decided with a defensive dismissiveness that he was “not a threat.” The conversation stayed light, the encounter ended without incident and then Daniel and Elizabeth went home and had sex: Reclamation sex, as it is sometimes called among the polyamorous.

Daniel had started to think of episodes like this one as part of a new marital order he called Bizarro World. Bizarro World, Scene 1: His wife taking photographs of him to post on his OkCupid profile. Scene 2: He reaches under his pillow on a night when his wife is with her boyfriend and finds a note she has left, knowing his hand would slide precisely there. He opens it up to see a picture of a heart, with their names written inside, a plus sign between them. Scene 3: One night, close to bedtime, Daniel and Elizabeth explain the concept of polyamory to their two teenage children and tell them that although their mother is seeing someone, the marriage is still strong. Their son, who is 17, sounds almost proud of them for doing something so alternative. Their daughter, who is 15, takes it in more quietly, uncomfortably. She is just relieved, she tells them, that they are not fighting anymore.

And it was true: They were not fighting anymore, not the way they had been in the first months of Elizabeth’s relationship. If anything, they were fighting harder for their own relationship, making more of an effort. Daniel finally started accompanying Elizabeth on those hikes; Elizabeth stopped putting up a fight when Daniel wanted to buy pricey concert tickets for them.

And yet Daniel still felt conflicted about how the arrangement had started and all that it asked of him. In June, he sat down and made a document he called Bizarro World Benefits and Drawbacks. Under Drawbacks, the list he wrote, as if addressing Elizabeth, included: “You get distracted by your other relationship — emails, texts, etc. — and that can pull you from our moments. There is a third person in our relationship who is pervasively there and not there. The theory of nonmonogamy is easier than the practice.”

Under Benefits, he wrote: “We are introspective about our relationship to make sure it stays solid. We are playing in the sexual energy often, and it feels really good. We are having a lot more fun together.”

Elizabeth encouraged Daniel to invest more effort in meeting someone. She wanted the marriage to feel balanced, and she also wanted him to experience what she was feeling — that new relationship energy (for polyamorists, that is another technical term, frequently abbreviated as N.R.E.).

Daniel took care creating his profile on OkCupid. (Asked to answer “What I’m doing with my life,” he wrote, “Laughing at everything, including myself.”) But he did not live in the kind of metropolitan area with a thriving polyamorous scene, and he did not find many women eager to date a married man. So it was several months after he posted his profile that Daniel went on a date with a woman he met on the site, someone who was also in an open marriage. They were still making awkward conversation at a bar when a woman sitting nearby asked how long they had been together. Daniel and his date exchanged glances; Daniel shrugged, as if to say: “Go ahead.” “He’s married to someone else,” his date said. “I’m married to someone else. We’re on our first date.” That broke the ice. Drinks flowed, and around midnight, Daniel found himself in a Ford Explorer, kissing a woman who was not his wife for the first time in 25 years.

The option for more was obvious, but Daniel thanked his date for a lovely evening, said he’d be in touch and went home, feeling uncomfortable with both what had happened and what had not. It took a few days before he landed on the right metaphor for his experience. “You know that circus elephant who has the chain around its leg when it’s an infant, and it grows up and they take the chain off, but the elephant doesn’t know life without it — so it still doesn’t go anywhere anyway?” he said. “I noticed that the chain isn’t there, but I really don’t know what to do with that.”

Mixed in with the fear of vulnerability that all dating entails was a sense of dread. He found it hard to believe that Elizabeth would not be jealous, and he worried, if she was, who would suffer more for it.

Monogamy is an approach to relationships built on one bright-line rule: no sex with anyone else. Open relationships may sound like the more unfettered choice, but the first thing nonmonogamous couples often do is draw up a list of guidelines: rules about protection, about the number of days a week set aside for dates, about how much information to share. Some spouses do not want to know any details about the other spouse’s extramarital sex, while for others, those stories are a thrilling side benefit of the arrangement.

These rules are often designed to manage jealousy. Most monogamous couples labor to avoid that emotion at all costs; but for the philosophically polyamorous, jealousy presents an opportunity to examine the insecurities that opening a relationships lays bare. Jealousy is not a primal impulse to be trusted because it feels so powerful; it is an emotion worth investigating.

Popular evolutionary psychology holds that jealousy is innate, a biological imperative that evolved to guarantee watchful, possessive males some certainty of their offspring’s paternity. Polyamorists would argue, as would others, that humans are capable of overriding that system with rational discourse. But many of them reject that version of evolutionary biology altogether, citing the work of Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, co-authors of “Sex at Dawn.” The book, which received mixed reviews from academics when it was published in 2011, argues that prehistoric humans lived communally, with a sharing, sexually promiscuous zeal most often seen in our primate relatives bonobos. Jealousy may be part of human nature, but social constructs amplify its power, with devastating costs.

In her book, “What Love Is,” published this year, Carrie Jenkins, a professor of philosophy at the University of British Columbia who is married and has a longstanding boyfriend, questions the likelihood that humans, en masse, were built for any one mode of child rearing or sexual partnering, including, as she puts it, the “hippie commune” model that Ryan envisions. “We are definitely equipped with biological mechanisms that support collaboration and bonding and communication, and those have evolved to help us succeed in the difficult task of raising infants,” she said. “And anything that can threaten those bonds, that’s real pain, that’s real brain chemistry involved. But we are a diverse and adaptive species, so what we should predict is a suite of biological mechanisms that would allow diverse approaches to that challenge of raising children. Flexibility is what is distinctive about us as humans.”

Susan Wenzel, a therapist in Winnipeg, Canada, whom I met through Tammy Nelson, did not open up her relationship with the man she was living with because she subscribed to any evolutionary theory. She did so because he had told her, gently, even fearfully, that he was concerned about the future of their relationship. He had been in love before, he explained, but those relationships had always ended with him growing restless, intrigued by another woman. Susan understood what he was seeking; she had patients she’d counseled while they opened their marriages. She felt equipped to manage the arrangement, and she and her boyfriend cautiously agreed that they could see other people, so long as those relationships remained casual. Susan did not feel it detracted from the strength of their relationship when she started seeing someone who is, like her, an immigrant from Kenya. But when that faded and her live-in boyfriend started dating someone, she found that jealousy hijacked the relationship. At the peak of one fury, she grabbed his phone and sent the girlfriend a text: “Get your own boyfriend.”

“I was out of control,” she said. “And I didn’t like that. I wanted to understand my emotions.” She questioned her own volatility more than her boyfriend’s request, which seemed, to her, rational and honest. She sought therapy with Nelson, working by Skype to identify the source of her own jealousy. It was not the sex her boyfriend was having, she realized, that troubled her; it was the sense of scarcity — that she would not have enough of his time. Once that became evident, she was able to tell her boyfriend she needed to feel like a priority. She also had two young children from a previous marriage who lived with them, and she told him that she wanted him to take more responsibility for them, which he did. She eventually wrote her boyfriend’s female friend a note of apology, adding that she had resolved a lot of her own insecurities.

The chief adjustment she and her boyfriend made was the one that seemed the least likely: They married, a year and a half after they first opened their relationship. Her boyfriend felt, for the first time, happy to commit to a woman he loved, knowing he had the freedom he wanted; and the symbolism of marriage gave Susan enough security that she could grant him that freedom, and exercise it herself. They saw no incongruity in their decision to wed — they were flexible, adaptable humans, reshaping an institution to their needs, rather than the other way around.

In August, Elizabeth and Daniel made a road trip to a Lower East Side bar in New York to attend Poly Cocktails, a monthly event founded in 2007 for people who are interested in nonmonogamy, or practicing it. At the event, Elizabeth and Daniel felt overwhelmed, a little out of place. Over the course of the evening, about 300 people, a diverse crowd, packed into the rooftop bar, most of them, it seemed to Elizabeth and Daniel, younger than they were. A woman in cat’s-eye glasses and straight dark hair sat on another woman’s lap; the woman with glasses turned out to be one-half of a married heterosexual couple from Westchester. A 31-year-old man with his hair in a bun sat close to his beautiful girlfriend. Everyone seemed to know one veteran polyamorist: a 64-year-old man with a long, white braid. For the most part, the socializing was studiously nonsexual, but a young woman with a retro look — red lipstick, baby-doll dress — was flirting with a tall man in a sleeveless T-shirt, a 45-year-old dad from brownstone Brooklyn, a musician with a corporate day job. His wife looked on, amused, as she waited for a drink at the bar.

Elizabeth and Daniel had ostensibly come to be among people who would not judge them. It had occurred to them that Daniel might meet someone, but he did not end up speaking to anyone to whom he felt a strong attraction. Instead he spent most of the evening talking to a married woman who complained that she felt underappreciated by the crowd at the bar.

If Daniel was going to begin a relationship, he suspected it would be with someone he knew, and in the months following their outing to Poly Cocktails, he thought a lot about a woman from another state whom he met briefly through professional circles about two years before Elizabeth started seeing Joseph. The woman had subsequently sent him a succession of flirty texts. It had been a small, contained thrill to think of this woman, whom he had liked, reaching out to him, silently, on his phone, as he watched TV with his wife. It took him a while to notice that he had probably crossed a line without even realizing it, a series of harmless pixels coalescing into something that could hurt the feelings of people he actually knew and loved. The marriage was not yet open, and he told Elizabeth about the messages, relieved that it occurred to him to do so, and then — in one of the more intimate instant messages he had ever composed — told this person who had shown up in his life that they could only be friends, as much as he had enjoyed meeting her and was touched by the attention.

Daniel and the woman would text from time to time, and when he heard she was coming to town this past January, he invited her to dinner. Over a meal, he told her that he and his wife had decided to open up their marriage, despite their enduring commitment to each other. He and the woman were already comfortable with each other, but once the possibility of romance hung in the air, the conversation immediately became deeper, as if they were preparing for one kind of vulnerability with another.

Dating, I started to think, as Daniel told me about talking to his companion, is wasted on the young and the single. A young person in his 20s, unformed, skittish, goes out into the world and tries to fall in love, a project complicated by the bulky defenses that allow him to undertake so risky a venture in the first place. Now imagine that same person, many years into a stable marriage, anchored. He is no longer a stranger to himself; he is more likely to have forgiveness for human frailty. He can — theoretically — retreat to the safe harbor of his marriage at any time. What would it be like to be entranced by someone new, without needing, simultaneously to lay claim?

At dinner, the woman told him about her past relationships, her worries about her children; he offered some advice and liked feeling that, although she heard him, she did not seem to need his help. She asked if he would mind if she moved her chair from across the table to sit beside him; she wanted to be closer. By doing so she brought the actual idea of sex right there, to the table where they were drinking margaritas: Was he attracted to her? Did he want to spend more time with her?

After dinner they went back to her hotel. Elizabeth had been well aware that something might happen between them. “Are you naked yet?” she texted her husband around 10 — it was a joke, a poke, a bit of bravado. They were not. But by 11, his new romantic interest was.

Later, when he thought back on the evening, he thought less about the sex than about the easiness that there was between them afterward. They had that conversation people often have after confirming a suspected mutual attraction with actual sexual intimacy — the “when did you know?” conversation, the one that shines a spotlight on your sense of being chosen. She wanted to talk about the first time they met, and how much she, right away, felt that spark. And Daniel found himself reminiscing about the first time he met Elizabeth, early in his career, and how she looked so strangely bathed in a bright light at that moment, as if the universe was trying to make something clear to him.

“And we’re just having a normal chat, and I’m telling her how I feel about my wife, which in retrospect could have been really stupid,” Daniel told me. “But that I could share my love for my wife with her, and not have that takeaway from the experience, or even be awkward, even though she’s naked, lying on top of me — I really felt like it was kind of beautiful. And it struck me that she could have gone to this other place, and been insulted, ‘How dare you talk about that, you have me here now.’ But instead, she kind of saw it as a beautiful thing, too.”

Conventional wisdom has it that men are more likely than women to crave, even need, variety in their sex lives. But of the 25 couples I encountered, a majority of the relationships were opened at the initiation of the women; only in six cases had it been the men. Even when the decision was mutual, the woman was usually the more sexually active outside the marriage. A suburban married man on OkCupid told me he had yet to date anyone, in contrast to his wife, whom he called “an intimacy vampire.” There was a woman in Portland whose husband had lost interest in sex with anyone, not just her. A 36-year-old woman in Seattle said she opened her marriage after she heard about the concept from another young mom at her book club.

Perhaps the women in the couples I encountered were more willing to tell their stories because they did not fit into predictable unflattering stereotypes about the male sex drive. But it was nonetheless striking to hear so many wives risk so much on behalf of their sexual happiness.

It took decades for sex researchers to consider the possibility that women’s fabled low libido might be a symptom of monogamy. An entire scientific field, well chronicled by Daniel Bergner (a contributing writer for the magazine) in his book “What Women Want,” has evolved to try to understand the near-total diminishment of lust for their partners that so many women in long-term monogamous relationships feel. One 2002 study found that men and women in committed relationships shared equal desire at the onset of their relationships, although for women, that desire dropped precipitously between one and four years into the relationship; for men, the desire remained high throughout that period. In his book, Bergner cites research suggesting that women desire novelty as much as men. The recent attempts to formulate medication to address waning sexual interest has been predicated on the assumption that one possible response — indulging an interest in newer partners — would never be practical and could be destabilizing.

The women I met who initiated openness seemed to be defying some stereotypes about gender, but their interest was also consistent with more familiar ideas about women and intimacy: They seemed to be doubling down on building relationships in their lives.

At Poly Cocktails, the wife who was watching her Brooklyn husband flirt said that although they had opened their marriage a few months earlier, she was the only one of the two of them who was seeing anyone: a wealthy entrepreneur, and a soccer player. “It’s an element of fantasy,” she said. “It’s play. And if it ever stopped being that, I would get out.” She was also a business owner, and had found, from the entrepreneur, a form of emotional support that her husband could not provide.

Her husband told me he had little interest in putting in the work necessary for even casual flings. “If I could meet someone for sex once a week with no emotional obligation, like a regular tennis game, I would do it,” he said. “But I already wooed someone, my wife,” he said. “I don’t want to have to do that again.”

The wife, who asked to go by her middle name, Ann, said she was friendly with couples whose marriages were open and ended badly. And yet neither she nor her husband, David (also a middle name), found those stories prohibitively ominous. Talking with me over several months, they explained, sometimes overtly, sometimes in more roundabout ways, that the instability they had invited into their lives worked as a counterbalance that allowed Ann to feel more secure within the marriage. Someone outside her marriage did the work of providing the structure of romance, dates, courtship; that heightened her own sense of sexuality in a way that David — who was consumed with his music, who was a creature of habit, who had thoroughly relaxed into the relationship — could not. Instead of resenting David for his distractions, demanding more focused attention from him, she seemed content to embrace the marriage for the security it did provide. The space between them that the open marriage introduced had, in fact, improved their sex life; but she also was more appreciative of the depth of the bond she felt with David, compared with the one she had with her boyfriend. “It’s been comforting to me,” she told me on the phone one evening this past March.

She said she had to cut our conversation short — she was about to sit on the couch with David and watch a documentary. She laughed at herself a little, at the picture of her and David doing the thing that cozy but bored married couples do. “I’m wearing a onesie” — otherwise known as footed pajamas — she admitted. It was flannel, it was loose and it was very, very comfortable.

For most of the late 20th century and early 21st century, therapists tended to champion monogamy with every bit of the consistency that religious institutions did. Many applied some form of adult attachment theory to their work, a theory that held, in its most simplified form, that if two people could create a secure attachment, if they could each patiently witness and soothe the other’s vulnerabilities, then love, growth and sexual fulfillment would follow. In 2002, the book “Can Love Last?” by the psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell, complicated some of these concepts, positing that trust and comfort can also become hurdles in the way of sexual passion. “Since respectable monogamous commitment in our times tends to be reciprocal, the selection of only one partner for love dramatically increases one’s dependency on that partner, making more love more dangerous and efforts to guarantee that love even more compelling,” Mitchell wrote. “So we pretend to ourselves that we have, somehow, minimized our risks and guaranteed our safety — thus undermining the preconditions of desire, which requires robust imagination to breathe and thrive.” Mitchell valued committed relationships but thought it essential to acknowledge the ways that sexuality could collapse under the weight of the security that couples construct.

Seven years ago, Luce Cousineau, a 47-year-old makeup artist in Seattle, had to admit that her own desire for her husband had dwindled past the point of recovery. She met her husband, Tim Aguero, who is 48 and a photographer, when they were in their early 20s. She never stopped loving him, wanting his opinion, considering him her best friend and the ideal father of their two children. But when she turned 40, she had a kind of midlife crisis that included a new, intense desire for more variety in their sex life. She and her husband could not find a way to talk about it — it was a series of endless missed connections. “And then I started shutting down in bed,” she said. They had sex less and less often. Her husband thought they could work through it. “Whereas I felt like it’s the end of the world,” Luce said. She finally realized that it was not just that she wanted varied sex; she wanted varied partners. “I felt like, I don’t want to be kinky with you — I want something different.” She developed an intense crush on a friend and lost hours thinking about him; she remembers sitting in her car in her driveway in Seattle, listening to an interview on NPR with Chris Ryan, an author of “Sex at Dawn,” and thinking his philosophy about the unnatural state of monogamy was speaking directly to her.

“The standard issue would have been to have an affair, but neither of us wanted that,” she said. “I couldn’t imagine being excited about meeting someone and not being able to tell him.” But the lack of sex in her life, or sex that she wanted, was making her miserable. She finally broke down, sobbing, at the breakfast table one morning. They realized they were facing a serious issue. “I guess I felt like, We have to do something about this,” Tim said. “I was fearful, but I also had to consider her happiness.” Ending the marriage was never on the table, but Luce mentioned the idea of opening it up. They were two artists living in a big progressive city, with multiple polyamory meet-up groups, broken down by age. They agreed they would start dating, and they quickly found potential partners when they put their profiles up online.

Forging new relationships was complicated, at first, and bruising: Could they go without a condom, if everyone tested clean and the relationship seemed to have potential? Could one spouse’s partner veto the other spouse’s new love interest, if that person had an S.T.D.?

Tim, after a few false starts, started dating a married woman, a former minister, whose husband also had a serious ongoing partner. He is six years into the relationship with her now, and the four of them — Tim, his girlfriend, her husband and her husband’s girlfriend — sometimes have drinks. His girlfriend is important enough to him that most of his and Luce’s close friends and neighbors have met her and understand her role in their lives. Their children are 10 and 14; they have grown up knowing, as Tim put it, “that their parents are a little bit different.”

There may be people who are more inclined toward monogamy or polyamory than others, who may even, at least one study shows, have some genetic predisposition toward one or the other. Tim seems to be a case study in adaptability, someone who never even considered, much less longed for, the option until his wife brought it up; he has since found the arrangement suits him.

For the past three years, Luce has been seeing someone in Portland, a man with whom she says she is highly sexually compatible. The sex in her marriage, in recent years, she said, has improved, although she still sees it as a struggle within the committed, loving relationship she has been building since she was 21. “But don’t misunderstand — what Tim and I have is a joyous thing,” she said. “I’m so proud of the life we have built together.” Tim said that they’ve noticed that they have their best sex when they are on vacation — as if domesticity in their own home eviscerates the erotic.

The insistent need for security stifles couples’ sexual excitement, Stephen Mitchell argued, but it also builds the relationship on false premises — the deluded idea that your partner is knowable and entirely safe. Clinging to that illusion, neither partner really sees the other, or even acknowledges that the other has hidden, private selves. Mitchell ended his book offering the hope that commitment, under the right circumstances, could yield romance and passion — not through contrived “novelty” but through an embrace of the risks inherent in building a shared life.

Mitchell’s book, as well as “Mating in Captivity,” Esther Perel’s 2006 exploration of similar issues, suggests that the kind of marriage most people seek — secure, mutually desirous — is a precarious, elusive construct. Perel, whose forthcoming book is titled “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity,” has become interested in the emotional growth that comes from having different partners. In the book, she writes that “so often the most intoxicating other that people discover in the affair is not a new partner; it’s a new self.”

Some of the couples I followed as they forged their open marriages seemed to be reaching out, systematically but also unpredictably, to make transparent the vulnerability that was there all along. Implicit in the arrangement was the understanding that each person has an alternative self; and yet it was all in the name of the kind of committed relationship that Mitchell believed would yield the most happiness and personal growth. “You are the known way leading always to the unknown,” wrote Wendell Berry in a poem called “The Country of Marriage,” “and you are the known place to which the unknown is always leading me back.”

As I talked to couples over the last year, I often found myself reflecting back on my own marriage. I started to feel less baffled by the boldness they were showing in opening up their marriages, and more questioning of my own total aversion to the possibility. In interview transcripts, I saw that I was forever apologizing for my own conventionality. I felt, at times, that I was a rusty caliper, trying to take the measurement of some kind of advanced nanotechnology. I was a blunt instrument, or a chipped mirror: Where I discerned motives of retaliation or evening of scores, I was told to see generosity and understanding. Where I read humiliation into a situation, the people I was interviewing saw a kind of expansive love that defied pride, possessiveness, traditional notions of masculinity and ownership. I kept wanting to define terms — but who is your primary? Whom would you choose in the event of conflicting needs? My instructors were patient but resolute in their overarching easygoingness: It works out, and when it does not, we talk about it and are better for it.

Open marriages, I started to think, are not just for people who were more interested in sex, but also for people who were more interested in people, more willing to tolerate the inevitable unpacking conversations, the gentle making of amends, the late-night breakdowns and emotional work of recommitting to and delighting each other.

Few claimed there was no pain in nonmonogamy; but they were not afraid of that pain, whereas the notion of any extra pain in my life seemed an impossible burden, a commitment along the lines of taking on a second part-time job or caring for an ailing parent.

Occasionally, my reporting would inspire me to turn to my poor husband: Why don’t we work more on our marriage? But more often than not, I felt protective of what we had, more certain of its beauty, its cosseted security. I imagined our marriage transpiring within a genie’s bottle, all silk and luxurious hangings in a protective cocoon, a warm, private world in which transformation could occur; the nature of the surrounding boundary providing enough safety that we could feel confident in taking risks. Breaking out of that cocoon would be an act of needless destruction, its violence transforming the retreat into a hornet’s nest. But there was something about that idealized vision of the cocoon that seemed contrived; was it also cloying, or confining, or implicitly fragile?

In February, Daniel planned a weekend away with the woman he saw the previous month — his girlfriend? His date? Neither word felt exactly right. He still felt concerned, both about how Elizabeth was going to feel about the weekend upon his return and about how he would feel in the midst of it. “I was nervous about how I was going to be received, and how I was going to handle it emotionally,” he said. Even the thought of being naked in front of someone new gave him pause. “There’s a little hesitancy — like, what is she going to think? But I think in the end when you’re with somebody who is compassionate and interested in you as a person, that all quickly just goes away — because, look, we’re all people, and we have our flaws and our good parts, and you either dwell on those things that aren’t perfect, or you see beyond it.”

They ordered grilled cheese from room service and ate it on the couch as they talked about why they were there. They smiled at each other quietly as they sensed the attraction building. “And then we kissed, and honestly, it felt good,” Daniel said. “It just felt like, wow, I can be in this moment, and feel this other person kissing me, and me kissing them, and I feel I can do so in a way that is not violating my marriage and my commitment to my wife.” They had sex several times over the course of the weekend. Emailing about it, several months after the fact, Daniel wrote: “It was good, very good. … As I write this, I am taken back to the moments there, and it does evoke a flood of stark imagery, emotion and sexual desire. … There were no expectations or history to draw from. She was not afraid to express what she wanted, and in doing so, she challenged me to show up in ways that I don’t regularly — mainly in a more aggressive and dominant way. I guess what I’m saying is that it taught me some very valuable things about myself, or maybe invited some aspects of myself to come out.”

Elizabeth claimed to have no ambivalence about his weekend away. She said she knew from experience that an outside relationship did not have to diminish your love for your spouse. And yet when Daniel returned, he found her a little bit cold, judgmental not about the premise of the weekend, she said, but about the particulars. She and Joseph had waited for months before having intercourse, building the relationship first; Daniel did not wait, which bothered Elizabeth. Also, Daniel had called her to say hello, which she had not expected, then jumped off the phone for a work call and failed to call back. That she did not like — the feeling that he had engaged her, almost deliberately, and then left her hanging, as if to force her to concentrate on him in his absence.

As much as Daniel felt Elizabeth’s irritation, he felt a tremendous relief — her grievances were specific and manageable. She did not express the pain or anger or self-righteousness of someone who felt betrayed. Their understanding had made it possible for him to have that weekend away, for which he was enormously grateful. Over the weekend, he told his lover — at that point, there was really no other word for her — that he was committed to his marriage but not afraid to fall in love. She admitted she was already halfway there. Although they lived far from each other, they left with a sense of possibility, Daniel said, feeling “that there was more to come.”

Many couples often start their open marriages with the idea that insomuch as an open marriage could be normal, theirs would be. For some people that meant that they would each have unattached sex but not do anything crazy, like fall in love with outside partners. For others, it meant that the spouses would never meet each other’s respective boyfriends and girlfriends, and certainly not those people’s partners. But some couples told me that once they opened their marriages, unexpected things happened. It was as if one major rethinking of convention subtly rewired their brains to allow for others. Antoinette Patterson, 34, and her husband, Kevin, 38, who live in Philadelphia, have been open practically since they met 15 years ago. Once she became a mother, she gave up on the idea that no partner of her husband’s could help parent their children. “By now my husband jokes that his girlfriend and I could raise our kids without him.”

Many people I talked with said they were surprised that opening the marriage changed the nature of their sexuality, that something was unleashed: They developed a new interest in a certain kind of role play, or acted on a long-suppressed desire to sleep with someone of the same sex. “You have to be willing to spend more time deconstructing your inner internalized ick factor, when it comes to being open — your own self-judgment,” said Zaeli Kane, 35, a writer in Austin.

Zaeli met her husband, Joe Spurr, when they were both 21, and they have been nonmonogamous for most of the time they have been together. When Zaeli and Joe married, they agreed to only one real limit on their openness: That they would not cohabitate with someone else.

Nonmonogamy has been, since then, a defining feature of their life, a source of great pride, if for Zaeli, in some periods, an emotionally trying exercise. Her own past forays outside the marriage were short, brief affairs, more like adventures while traveling, discreet but romantic excursions; Joe, 36, by contrast had had deep, ongoing relationships, the details of which sometimes merely irritated Zaeli and at other times wounded her more deeply. “It took me years to realize that what feels like anger is sort of the pinched nerve of my admiration for another woman,” she said; she had often compared herself unfavorably with the other women Joe was seeing and worried she was not something enough: creative enough, say, or bold enough. “It’s a worthiness thing, or an impatience with myself to grow into the person I want to be,” she said. “But ultimately, I recognized that either I’m on the path I want to be on, or if I’m not, then that’s a good thing to notice.” Most recently Joe had started dating a traveling wedding photographer, Alexandra Kirkilis, to whom Zaeli was initially cautiously welcoming.

Because she made no secret of the nature of her relationship, friends often called her to talk through the possibility of opening up their relationships. Then those friends started referring friends. Without really trying, she developed a small business, working as a kind of relationship coach to the newly polyamorous, among others.

Both Joe and Zaeli agreed that she was happier in the marriage since she had developed her first meaningful relationship outside it. Two years ago, she was performing stand-up comedy when she met Blake Wilson, an aspiring comic himself who had relocated from Palo Alto, and they connected immediately: They shared a kind of hyperverbal, slightly dark, comedic sensibility; they were both thoughtful, but neither could ever be described as overly earnest. Blake started spending more time with Zaeli during the day, with Joe’s consent; Blake was working as a contractor and had a flexible schedule, which meant he could hold Zaeli’s hand through the long days that a young mother spends with a toddler, accompanying her to Costco, joining her at the park. Joe often came home to find them snuggling on the couch, at which point Blake would abruptly get up. Joe was comfortable with everything except the jumping up off the couch. “He really doesn’t need to do that,” he told his wife. “It makes me feel like the bad guy, or the cop.” Eventually, Blake and Joe, who comes from a tightknit Boston family, watched a few Patriots games together; he started to feel, toward Blake, the warmth you feel toward a brother-in-law who turns out to be more than tolerable — a relief mixed with genuine affection.

And then, just over a year after Zaeli first met Blake, when Zaeli and Joe were planning to move to a new home in Austin, they discarded the one rule that had governed their nonmonogamy and invited Blake to move in with them and their daughter, who is now 3. For Zaeli, nonmonogamy was also an antidote to the atomization of families, to the loneliness of how people live. “People think of this as a home-wrecking. But this can be a nice family structure.”

I thought that by the time I met Joe and Zaeli and Blake in February at their home in Austin that I had become used to the idea of openness. But from the moment I entered their house, I did not know where to look. Joe, warm and outgoing, greeted me at the door, making small talk I could barely engage in, as his wife and Blake were, at that moment, nuzzling by the stove, reunited after having been apart for most of the day. We sat down to dinner, Blake ushering their daughter — Joe and Zaeli’s daughter, biologically, but one Blake was helping to raise as part of the family — to the table. Blake does an equal share of day-to-day caregiving of Joe and Zaeli’s child, and Blake also does most of the cooking. That night, he made a Thai chicken soup for dinner.

As we ate, Zaeli recalled first meeting Blake. “I could just tell with him, that it wasn’t just, this will be a guy that I hang with. It was more like, ‘Oh, I’ve found you,’ that whole thing.” Blake talked about how he felt when he met Zaeli. “It seemed a little bit safe, because I was like, ‘Oh, this person’s already married.’ And she just happened to be so caring and open and honest that we fell in love in like a month and a half.”

I watched Joe take it all in, his daughter on his lap; he was playing with some tiny balls of Play-Doh that she had left on the table and was flattening them out, shaping them into one big heart. The conversation wore on, but I eventually admitted to them what they already knew, which was that this was all strange, maybe even hard, for me to witness — Blake kissing Zaeli in front of Joe, the two of them recalling how they fell in love.

“I felt you checking in on me,” Joe explained. But there was no need, he said. He and Zaeli still shared a bed most nights of the week; they shared a daughter. She was his beautiful wife, and Blake was someone important to her. “It’s a person I love, loving someone,” he said. “How is love bad?” The generosity of his response almost made me angry, frustrated, perhaps, with my own limitations. Didn’t he feel excluded? “No,” he said. “I mean, I’m still here, you know?”

This spring I went to a conference out of state. Afterward, a few attendees lingered to talk and then drifted off, with the exception of one, a man, also in his 40s, who spoke impressively earlier that day. The conversation was easy between us, and we ended up, as did everyone else, walking back to the hotel across the street, where I invited him to join me for dinner. I felt the need to justify this — there was no room service at the hotel, I felt awkward eating alone in the lobby — but I was also enjoying his company, and it seemed, especially after all the interviewing I had been doing, that it was absurd to worry about something as safe as a meal with a man, also married, with whom I shared professional interests. I was curious, even, to know what it would feel like — I realized that outside work interviews, I could not remember the last time I had dined alone with a man who was not my husband, which suddenly struck me as an amazing fact of my adult life.

He looked uneasy at the outset, glancing around at the other people he knew in the lobby, nervous, I supposed, about what they would think. But he soon relaxed, and I was curious to hear who he was and why he did what he did, specifically, for work, and we probably tried hard to make each other laugh, and then we said good night and went our separate ways, an outcome that was never in doubt. Then I called my husband and told him, when he asked about my evening, that I had dined with a group of three or four conference attendees.

Over the next day or two, I thought about the man, sometimes, and even wondered if he was thinking about me. Part of what I enjoyed in thinking about him, I realized, was that he was a private thought of my own, like a room in my house where neither my children nor my husband had ever so much as left an empty cereal bowl.

Why had I lied? The triteness of the setup — a conference, a hotel — made me reflexively defensive; I was sparing my husband what would have been a wholly needless pang of jealousy or discomfort. And I was instinctively acting out a familiar, but also ridiculous, paradigm of marriage, one in which we collude in the fiction that no one of the opposite sex ever draws our interest.

Maybe the impulse to lie also came from some other motivation: an insistence, in the moment, that I was not entirely knowable, or as safe as my husband thinks. And yet this seemed to be a signal he might even detect, if only subconsciously, precisely because we are so close. In a way, creating that space was in the spirit of openness, a tacit, healthy acknowledgment that we each have a private self, that no marital circuit is ever entirely closed.

I wanted to keep my small secret; but I also wanted to go out to dinner with my husband, to hear what he would make of the minor intrigue, of my lie about a wholly harmless flirtation, if it even was that. And I wanted to hear how he felt about all the women in the world he will never really get to know, never get to kiss, a thought that makes me feel an existential sadness on his behalf. I was fairly certain I knew what he would say; but that I was not totally sure, that we had not discussed any of it for so long, seemed like an emotional infraction within our marriage, lazy and blinkered. There was so much to talk about.

One year does not a marriage make; it is just long enough however, for couples to decide whether they have improved an already-strong marriage, or miraculously saved it from imminent demise, or recklessly endangered what was once a beautiful thing. Open marriages, like traditional marriages, fall apart for all kinds of reasons, but probably the most common one is that the marriage in question was troubled enough that no amount of tinkering with its parameters could save it.

In April 2016, Jamie and Rich, a childless couple living in Pensacola, Fla., decided to open up their marriage. Jamie loved Rich, the way he had risen in the ranks at work despite never having attended college, the way he took care of their massive Bernese mountain dogs, took care of her. “He is everything to me,” she said one year ago. “I see myself growing old with him.”

But she also had recently had affairs, and confessed them to Rich because she was fairly sure she wanted more: she wanted men she had never met, and that guy with whom she played online Scrabble, and to explore sex with women, and to have fun in a three-way. In early March, Jamie, 39, suggested that they consider separating, but Rich, 43, remembered that several years earlier, she brought up the idea of opening their marriage. He started looking for books on the subject, and he came to hope that the arrangement “was something we can grow with and explore and learn together.”

And so it began. For Jamie, an endless series of dates; for Rich, one lost weekend with a woman he thought he could love. There were several nights of three-ways involving them both; relationships that flared then fizzled for each of them. Their own sex improved. And then, this April, one year after they opened their marriage, Rich asked for a divorce.

The year had had its thrills, but Rich also felt perennially on guard, unnerved by the sense that there would always be more bruises to come. He had never really recovered from Jamie’s affairs, and he hated wondering, when he was home alone, what Jamie was doing with someone he had never met. He longed for the security of one partner, the beauty of its simplicity and romance. “I still love her,” he wrote about his soon-to-be ex-wife in an email. “I will support her.” She had offered to stop seeing other people, but he said he did not want her to feel resentful. “This is not the life for me, and just as important, I don’t want to stop her from being who she is.”

Speaking a few days later after moving into a new apartment, Jamie said she was having more downs than ups; it was hard not to see Rich every day. But even as she mourned the end of the relationship, she could appreciate the generosity with which Rich had tried to please her, until the point at which he realized just how miserable he had become. And she also felt a surge of love for how strong he had been, in the end, to turn down her offer to stop seeing other people. “I hate to say it,” she said, “but I feel like he released me.”

Their story is a kind of counterpoint to Daniel and Elizabeth’s, the couples’ marriage plots overlapping at crucial times but diverging at others. Daniel, too, after a year, also felt burdened by resentments, disappointed by how painful the path to a better relationship with his wife had been, and by how many logistical hurdles were in the way of a relationship with someone else. Neither he nor the woman to whom he felt so close had the finances or time to support a long-distance relationship. After a few months of sweet, sad instant-message exchanges, they agreed that they would not be able to see each other again any time soon — and that it might be less painful, especially for her, to break off the steady communication.

Elizabeth was still seeing Joseph one year after she and Daniel opened their marriage. The fact that Joseph’s wife didn’t know troubles her, and she wrestled with guilt. But he had become someone she loved. Their relationship had permanence. When Daniel and Elizabeth fought, they no longer wondered if that might mean the end but knew instead they would work it out. Daniel had come to see Joseph as “part of my tribe.” He often helped Joseph out with computer problems; when he heard that Joseph had the flu, Daniel texted to see if there was anything he needed.

Joseph agreed to speak to me only once. He was quiet and nervous and said little about how he felt about the arrangement. But he emailed Elizabeth with his thoughts the next day. “The reporter asked if I was jealous of Daniel,” he wrote. “Absolutely no. I know he is your husband, and I never want to stand in your way of loving him. It is obvious that he loves you unconditionally. However, I do want to express that I am jealous of one thing. He stands by your side through thick and thin. … I realized you are one lucky girl. Never underestimate his love for you. Thinking back to the reporter’s question — yes, I am jealous. I’m jealous of the support he gives you and the freedom you desire. … However, I am not jealous that you go home to him.”

Instead of detracting from Elizabeth and Daniel’s marriage, Joseph sometimes served as a foil, a contrast against which Elizabeth could better see her husband — and not just her husband, but their history, the way he pulled over, without even asking, any time they drove by an ice-cream parlor, knowing it would delight her, or brought home a Diet Pepsi for her on his way back from work. And in starting something new with Joseph, she found she had refreshed her idea of what love could look like, which also infused her marriage.

Daniel and Elizabeth had turned their union into an elaborate puzzle, one they could only solve together, had to solve together, for the well-being of their family, even if doing so demanded more from each of them than their marriage ever had. Energy for generosity in a marriage can easily suffocate beneath the accumulation of grievances and disappointments, or even laziness of habit; now both Elizabeth and Daniel felt the weight of those histories somehow shifting, if not entirely lifting. They had experienced enough to know that they could not predict how much their lives might change in another year or two; but they felt more confident that they could weather what was coming their way. “The marriage is better than it was when it started,” Daniel said in March. “It is. It really is.” He recalled something his wife said to him a few days earlier that had moved him. “Maybe it doesn’t sound that amazing, but we were just lying in bed talking, and she said, ‘What can I do to make you happy?’ ”

+ E.4. TAXES AND DIVORCE – BE SMART WITH YOUR $$$

DivorceBuoy Jun 3, 2017

Hi Everyone. I hope that you are enjoying a great weekend.

Sorry that it has taken me a little time to get this article to you but it can make a lot of sense to you??

I hope that you enjoy the article and you might chose to benefit from the material.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

Issues may resurface every year during tax season, but ex-spouses who continue to feud can end up overpaying.

Divorce has many miseries. Taxes are one of the most persistent.

Issues can resurface annually during filing season and continue to affect couples years after they split. If former spouses don’t set aside their differences, one or both partners often end up overpaying.

Scott Kaplowitch, managing partner with Edelstein & Co. in Boston, recently prepared a divorced couple’s returns. Although the ex-wife had the right to take deductions and credits for the couple’s children, there was no benefit for her because she has no employment income. She allowed her former husband to use the tax breaks and saved him about $2,500, Mr. Kaplowitch says.

The couple didn’t split the savings, he adds, but “it produced good will for the future.”

That’s the best case.

Tensions between ex-spouses are evident in Internal Revenue Service data. For the five years that ended in 2015, people paying alimony deducted some $57 billion, while people receiving alimony claimed only about $47 billion—a $10 billion discrepancy.

After a Treasury watchdog chided the IRS about the alimony gap in 2014, the agency became more vigilant. Now returns are automatically rejected if the alimony payer doesn’t supply a Social Security number for the recipient, an IRS spokesman says.

If you’re divorced, here are tax issues to watch.

Alimony. These payments, often called “maintenance,” are deductible by the payer and taxable to the recipient. To be deductible, payments must be made in cash and must be provided for in the divorce or separation agreement.

Voluntary payments for other items, such as a new computer for a child, typically can’t be deducted. The IRS has a history of challenging alimony deductions it thinks are nondeductible property settlements, child support or gifts.

Alimony can fund an individual retirement account. Alimony deductions end when the recipient dies, if payments haven’t already ended. For more on the definition of alimony, see IRS Publication 504.

Child support. These payments aren’t deductible by the payer or taxable to the recipient.

Dependent exemption. This benefit is a deduction, currently $4,050 for each child who qualifies as a dependent. There are several tests for this benefit, and they are detailed in IRS Publication 501.

Ex-spouses can often use IRS Form 8332 to toggle this exemption back and forth from year to year. This can be a good strategy if one ex is sometimes a high earner, because in 2016 the exemption began to phase out at $259,400 of adjusted gross income for single filers.

For feuding ex-spouses, there is an important caveat: The parent claiming the dependent exemption must include each child’s Social Security number, and the IRS’s system will reject a later-filed return claiming the same number. Even if the second-filing spouse deserves to take the exemption, the IRS seldom has the resources to sort out this issue, experts say.

Tax credits. These valuable breaks offset taxes instead of merely reducing income, and in some cases they can result in a refund check for a taxpayer who owes no tax. Tax credits involving children typically go to the spouse claiming the personal exemptions for them.

The Child Tax Credit of up to $1,000 per child began to phase out at $75,000 for single filers in 2016. The Earned Income Credit, which benefits the working poor, was up to $6,269 for single filers with three or more children and income up to about $48,000. The Dependent Care Credit, which is up to $2,100 for two or more children and $6,000 of total eligible expenses, has no income limit.

Education benefits. For most people, the best tax break for college is the American Opportunity Credit, which can reduce taxes by as much as $2,500 on up to $4,000 of college expenses per child.

Single filers get a lesser break or none if their income exceeds $80,000, but in some cases the child can benefit by claiming the credit if neither parent can—even if the child doesn’t pay the tuition.

Taxes on a residence. To take typical homeowner deductions for mortgage interest or property taxes, a person must have full or partial ownership of the home and actually pay the expenses.

+ E.5. WHY YOU WILL MARRY THE WRONG PERSON

DivorceBuoy Jun 7, 2017

Good day to you divorcebuoy faithful.

Yep, how about we talk about marriage. Maybe you are thinking that you are done with marriage and…..maybe you are thinking that you might give it another try?

There was a very informative article in the NY Times 28 May that discusses what your marriage future might turn into?

Good luck to you, no matter what you decide.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

IT’S one of the things we are most afraid might happen to us. We go to great lengths to avoid it. And yet we do it all the same: We marry the wrong person.

Partly, it’s because we have a bewildering array of problems that emerge when we try to get close to others. We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society than our own, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”

Perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us or can relax only when we are working; perhaps we’re tricky about intimacy after sex or clam up in response to humiliation. Nobody’s perfect. The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day. As for our friends, they don’t care enough to do the hard work of enlightening us. One of the privileges of being on our own is therefore the sincere impression that we are really quite easy to live with.

Our partners are no more self-aware. Naturally, we make a stab at trying to understand them. We visit their families. We look at their photos, we meet their college friends. All this contributes to a sense that we’ve done our homework. We haven’t. Marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.

For most of recorded history, people married for logical sorts of reasons: because her parcel of land adjoined yours, his family had a flourishing business, her father was the magistrate in town, there was a castle to keep up, or both sets of parents subscribed to the same interpretation of a holy text. And from such reasonable marriages, there flowed loneliness, infidelity, abuse, hardness of heart and screams heard through the nursery doors. The marriage of reason was not, in hindsight, reasonable at all; it was often expedient, narrow-minded, snobbish and exploitative. That is why what has replaced it — the marriage of feeling — has largely been spared the need to account for itself.

What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right. Indeed, the more imprudent a marriage appears (perhaps it’s been only six months since they met; one of them has no job or both are barely out of their teens), the safer it can feel. Recklessness is taken as a counterweight to all the errors of reason, that catalyst of misery, that accountant’s demand. The prestige of instinct is the traumatized reaction against too many centuries of unreasonable reason.

But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy.

We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate.

Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us: Perhaps we were in Venice, on the lagoon, in a motorboat, with the evening sun throwing glitter across the sea, chatting about aspects of our souls no one ever seemed to have grasped before, with the prospect of dinner in a risotto place a little later. We married to make such sensations permanent but failed to see that there was no solid connection between these feelings and the institution of marriage.

Indeed, marriage tends decisively to move us onto another, very different and more administrative plane, which perhaps unfolds in a suburban house, with a long commute and maddening children who kill the passion from which they emerged. The only ingredient in common is the partner. And that might have been the wrong ingredient to bottle.

The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person.

We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding Romantic idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning.

We need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.

This philosophy of pessimism offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.

Romanticism has been unhelpful to us; it is a harsh philosophy. It has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should learn to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.

+ E.6. DATING, PART 1 – FITNESS SINGLES

DivorceBuoy Jul 2, 2017

Good day to you divorcebuoy faithful. Welcome to another segment of my blog.

Chances are that if you are somehow in the divorce whirlwind/matrix then you are in the dating whirlwind too.

? How is the dating going for you?

It seems that most men and women want the same thing from dating?

1. meet someone who is truthful

2. meet someone who is loving

3. meet someone who has similar interests

4. meet someone who they can have fun with

5. and yes, somewhat obvious is…someone who they can be intimate with

Fitness singles https://www.fitness-singles.com/

Fitness singles is a site that a lot of people really enjoy. If you are an active/fit person this may be the site for you (just an opinion; not a recommendation, per se). Yes, a lot of people are not totally comfortable with the online dating but in this day and age it may be the option that allows you to have your busy life and still meet people.

Good luck with that.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

+ E.7. DIVORCE – A MARITAL ‘PRISON’

DivorceBuoy Jul 15, 2017

Good evening divorcebuoy faithful. I hope that your summer is going just as you wish!!

Have you ever wondered about how easy it is to get divorced?

Have you ever wondered if your partner and you were locked in a room for an indefinite period of time until you worked out your differences and came out…committed to your marriage.

There was an interesting article online which discussed a marital prison which accomplished some amazing stats regarding the number of saved marriages versus the number of divorces.

Here are the details.

Enjoy the reading.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

Picturesque Biertan, one of Transylvania’s seven Saxon Unesco World Heritage villages, feels frozen in time. Horse-drawn carts are still a part of daily life, and local residents gather to trade their wares in a cobbled village square. At the heart of the village, a 15th-Century fortified church towers over the surrounding structures from its hilltop perch.

Inside the church grounds, along one of its fortification walls, is a small building with a room inside barely larger than a pantry. For 300 years, couples whose marriages were on the rocks would find themselves here, locked away for up to six weeks by the local bishop in hope that they would iron out their problems and avert a divorce.

Inside Biertan’s 15th-Century church is a 300-year-old ‘marital prison’ used to avert divorce (Credit: Stephen McGrath)

It may sound like a nightmare – but records show that this ‘marital prison’ was rather effective.

In the 300 years there has only been one divorce

“Thanks to this blessed building, in the 300 years that Biertan had the bishop’s seat we only had one divorce,” said Ulf Ziegler, Biertan’s current priest.

Today, the small, dark prison is a museum complete with long-suffering mannequins. The room has low ceilings and thick walls, and is sparsely equipped with a table and chair, a storage chest and a traditional Saxon bed that looks small enough to belong to a child. As couples attempted to repair their marriages inside this tiny space, everything had to be shared, from a single pillow and blanket to the lone table setting.

The prison was sparsely equipped with a table, a storage chest and a single bed (Credit: Stephen McGrath)

Lutheranism, the religion of the Transylvanian Saxons, governed most aspects of life, and although divorce was allowed under certain circumstances – such as adultery – it was preferred that couples attempt to save their union. So a couple seeking divorce would voluntarily visit the bishop, who would send them to the marital prison to see if their differences could be reconciled before they parted ways.

“The prison was an instrument to keep society in the old Christian order,” explained Zielger, who noted that it also protected women and children, who were dependent on the family unit to survive. If a divorce did occur, the husband had to pay his ex-wife half of his earnings, but if he remarried and divorced again, the second wife was entitled to nothing.

In the 12th Century, Saxon settlers ‒ originally from areas that today are France, Belgium, Luxembourg and Germany ‒ were invited by Hungary’s King Géza II to settle rural Transylvania and protect it against threats from Tatar and Ottoman invaders, as well as develop the area economically. Transylvanian Saxons were industrious craftspeople; Biertan became an important market town and cultural hub with a 5,000-strong population in 1510.

A couple seeking divorce would voluntarily visit the bishop, who sent them to the marital prison to resolve their differences (Credit: Stephen McGrath)

Walking through the streets of Biertan as the sun begins to disappear behind the rolling hills, a few locals sit outside drinking beers and a farmer moves his hay cart through the village. The imposing church, with its nine surrounding fortification towers, is illuminated by bright lights and its purpose evident: it was a central point for the early Saxon settlers ‒ a place of safety and worship.

The view from the church’s nearly 11m-high fortification walls next to the marital prison extends out across the village and surrounding countryside. Many current residents work their land using old-age farming techniques, and trade their wares to earn a living. Weather-worn shepherds can be spotted in the surrounding green hills herding sheep ‒ a scene that likely hasn’t changed much over the past several centuries.

Life continues to move at a slow, meditative pace; however, these days there is less economic and religious pressure on struggling couples to remain together.

Views from the 11m-high fortification walls by the marital prison extend out across the village and surrounding countryside (Credit: Stephen McGrath)

“The reason to remain together was probably not love. The reason was to work and to survive,” Ziegler said. “If a couple was locked inside for six weeks, it was very hard for them to have enough food the following year, so there was pressure to get out and to continue to work together.”

We need to talk more, so we can find out what is important to us and what connects us

Ziegler believes that, even today, the concept of a marital prison has potential lessons for any modern marriage. And he’s not the only one: he says that he’s received requests from couples looking to use the prison to repair their own struggling marriages.

“In modern families, there is less and less time for each other, we are more selfish than our ancestors,” Ziegler said. “We suffer from loneliness, which is why today we need to talk more, so we can find out what is important to us and what connects us.”

+ E.8. TALK – IT IS NOT THAT HARD!!!

DivorceBuoy Aug 6, 2017

Hello www.divorcebuoy faithful.

One of the aspects in our life that was difficult and is even more difficult now because of all of the media is…the ability to talk (and listen).

Talking – it is one of the most important aspects of our daily lives which we need to practice and improve on. Talking can improve your relationship in ways that you can only imagine or…not talking can hurt your relationship in a permanent and unrecoverable manner.

Don’t rush into it.

Pay attention to your state of mind.

Start with a question.

Listen compassionately.

Give recognition up front.

Be clear about your goals.

“THIS CONVERSATION DOESN’T… …HAVE TO BE SO HARD”

Good luck to you.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!!

Buoy

+ E.9. SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE – LOVE HACKS WILL WORK?

DivorceBuoy Sep 30, 2017

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com faithful. How is your September finishing up. Are you ready for October?

Here is some info that you might find helpful. Sometimes, one item might be enough to change the course of your life in a positive direction.

“After studying thousands of couples, the psychologist Eli Finkel has an explanation for the decline in people’s satisfaction with their marriages over the past four decades: It’s a matter of emotional supply and demand.

Many people are looking to their partners to replace the companionship and emotional support once provided by extended families and local institutions like churches, bowling leagues, bridge groups, fraternal lodges and garden clubs.”

Good luck to you in your efforts to improve or save your marriage. It can be done.

Progress, no matter how small, is PROGRESS!

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS.

Buoy

What to do? Unless you’re willing to reduce your demands, the only solution is to increase the supply. You can devote a lot more effort to satisfying your partner, and Dr. Finkel tells you how to do that in his new book, “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.”

But if that sounds like too much work, he also offers a few shortcuts that he calls “love hacks.” If your schedule doesn’t allow a weekly date night, if you don’t want to take long walks on the beach or go on joint self-actualization vacations, you can use some quick fixes that have been tested successfully in Dr. Finkel’s relationships laboratory at Northwestern and elsewhere.

A love hack, as Dr. Finkel defines it, is a proven technique that takes little time or effort and doesn’t even require cooperation from your partner. “It’s a quick-and-dirty option that can take just a few minutes a month,” he says. “It’s not going to give you a great marriage, but it can certainly improve things. After all, simply allowing the relationship to slip off the priority list will probably yield stagnation, or worse.”

He offers a variety of love hacks because he doesn’t believe in one-size-fits-all solutions for relationships. He suggests picking whichever hack appeals and starting right away.

Touch Your Partner

Holding hands can win you points even when you don’t mean it, as demonstrated in an experiment with couples who watched a video together. Some people were instructed not to touch their partners during the video, while others were told to touch in a “warm, comfortable and positive way.”

Afterward, the people who had been touched reported being more confident of being loved by their partner — and this effect occurred even when the people knew that their partners’ actions were being directed by the researchers. Their rational selves knew that the hand-holding wasn’t a spontaneous gesture of affection, but it made them feel better anyway.

Don’t Jump to Bad Conclusions

If your partner does something wrong, like not returning a phone call, don’t over-interpret it. Researchers have found that one of the biggest differences between happy and unhappy couples is their “attributional style” in explaining a partner’s offense.

The unhappy couples tend to automatically attribute something like an unreturned phone call to a permanent inner flaw in the partner (“He’s too selfish to care about me”) rather than a temporary external situation, like an unusually busy day at work. When something goes wrong, before drawing any conclusions about your partner, take a few seconds to consider an alternative explanation that puts the blame elsewhere.

Picture a Fight From the Outside

In an experiment with 120 married couples in Chicago, Dr. Finkel periodically asked questions about their marriages over the course of two years. During the first year, their satisfaction with their marriages declined, which unfortunately is typical.

At the start of the second year, some of the couples were instructed to try something new when they found themselves in an argument: “Think about this disagreement with your partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved; a person who see things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement? How might he or she find the good that could come from it?”

Again, that little exercise made a big difference. Over the next year, marital satisfaction remained stable in those couples, whereas it continued to decline in the control group that hadn’t been instructed to take the third-party perspective.

Make a Gratitude List

Once a week, write down a few things your partner has done to “invest in the relationship,” as the participants in one experimentwere instructed to do. Other participants were instructed to list things they had done themselves to invest in the relationship. The ones who patted themselves on the back subsequently felt a little more committed to the relationship, but the ones who wrote about their partners’ contributions felt significantly more committed — and also, not surprisingly, a lot more grateful toward their partners.

Accept a Compliment

One of the most common factors in failed marriages is the “rejection sensitivity” of one partner. People with low self-esteem have a hard time believing their partner really loves them, so they often preemptively discount their partner’s affection in order to avoid being hurt by the expected rejection. Eventually, even when they start off with a loving partner, their worst fear comes true because their defensive behavior ends up driving the other person away.

In testing ways to counteract this anxiety, researchers asked insecure people to recall a specific compliment from their partner. Giving a detailed account of the situation and the compliment didn’t have any effect, apparently because these insecure people could dismiss it as a lucky aberration: “For once I did something right.”

But there was a notable effect when people were asked to think about the compliment abstractly: “Explain why your partner admired you. Describe what it meant to you and its significance for your relationship.” That quick exercise helped them see why their partner could really care for them.

Celebrate Small Victories

When your partner tells you about something that went right in his or her day, get excited about it. Ask questions so your partner can tell you more about the event and relive it. Put some enthusiasm into your voice and your reactions. Researchers call this a “capitalization attempt.”

When researchers studied couples who were trained to use these techniques in their evening discussions, it turned out that each partner took more pleasure from their own victories, and both partners ended up feeling closer to each other. By sharing the joy, everyone came out ahead — and in true love-hack fashion, it didn’t take much time at all.

+ E.10. DATING, PART 2 – EHARMONY

DivorceBuoy Oct 9, 2017

Good afternoon divorcebuoy. How is your fall season going?

Dating. Are you an active dater? Are you having success in your dating?

eHarmony – I met my wife on eHarmony. eHarmony is a great site for many folks. You might check it out.

Also, there was an interesting article in The Washington Post! You might find this article helpful and possibly humorous.

Good luck to you in your dating. If you don’t date, then your chances of finding someone is reduced. If you do date, there is no guarantee that you will find who you are looking for buttttt you may get lucky!!??

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

Washington Post, https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/date-labshe-thought-it-went-well-until-he-said-lets-keep-in-touch/2017/10/03/e787d02a-94c2-11e7-aace-04b862b2b3f3_story.html?hpid=hp_weekend-chain_date-1008%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.df6d2cfc9f51

+ F.1. HOW TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP (REALLY!!!)

DivorceBuoy Oct 17, 2017

Good evening divorcebuoy folks. How are ya?

Every now and then I come across an article about divorce, personalities, and relationships/sex that I find informative, educational, and interesting. I have found such an article.

https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-have-a-better-relationship

NY Times by Ms. Tara Parker- Pope @nytimeswell titled ” HOW TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP”

She did a great bit of research and digging to find out a whole lot of useful info for the male or female reader. I highly recommend it!!

She asks, “What is your love style?” and then answers,

“ROMANTIC

BEST FRIENDS

LOGICAL

PLAYFUL

POSSESSIVE

UNSELFISH”

Passionate Love Quiz – there is also a passionate love quiz, which I think you will find helpful to explore your feelings with your mate!

? How much sex are you having? She’s got the averages

Some numbers:

“The average adult has sex 54 times a year (she did not seem to define sex as intercourse)

The average sexual encounter last about 30 minutes

About 5 percent of the people have sex at least three times a week

People in their 20s have sex more than 80 times per year.

People in their 40s have sex about 60 times per year.

Sex drops to 20 times per year by age 65.

After the age of 25, sexual frequency declines 3.2 percent annually.”

Some interesting numbers to consider.

Enjoy the article. Good luck.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

+ F.2. THE SECRET TO MARRIAGE IS…..

DivorceBuoy Oct 27, 2017

Hello divorcebuoy.com faithful.

Here is another interesting article about marriage. Most of us have had the pleasure of being in love and having a honeymoon phase for some length of time (hopefully, yours lasted a longgggg time!!).

In someways, you may have also thought that you hoped that marriage would not change anything in your relationship although, most of the time, it does.

You might find this article entertaining and useful.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Good luck to ya, Buoy

“I am often asked if I am married. Sometimes I lie and say that I am. Sometimes I lie and say that I am not. Neither answer feels entirely truthful to me.”

If I say I am not married, the true answer, people occasionally try to set me up with their offspring. They seem to think I would be a great daughter-in-law. Actually, I would be a great daughter-in-law. I send thank-you cards. I am a terrific conversationalist. I can bake a pie.

I met the man I am not married to the second week of college.

“You’re wearing black,” Hans said. “I’m wearing black.”

This was said with some irony; we were standing in a black box theater. Everyone was wearing black. He had a girlfriend, so we didn’t get together until several months later. We have been together ever since, 21 years.

A year before I met Hans, a relative of his opened a credit card in his name and charged the better portion of another relative’s wedding. And then she forgot to pay the bill. For years. Forever, actually.

Hans didn’t find out until two years after the crime, when he was applying to graduate school. Even after making arrangements to pay off the debt, his credit was ruined and he couldn’t get student loans. The credit card company told him the only way to clear his credit would be to take the relative to court. Identity theft is a serious crime, the company said, and she could possibly go to jail.

Hans wouldn’t do it because the woman had a child, and he didn’t want the child to grow up without a mother. I liked that about him. He was in his early 20s and less than poor. But what difference did it make? He was a person of integrity, and we were in love. We had been together six months.

It can be awkward to describe this situation to people I don’t know. They tend to ask follow-up questions: “Why didn’t you just clear the credit cards and then get married?”

“Why didn’t I?” I say lightly.

The answer is: many reasons. Because I was 18 when I met him and didn’t know how long the relationship would last. Because it was a lot of money and I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help. Because neither of us had regular jobs and we both wanted to be artists more than we wanted to be married people. Because one of us needed good credit in order to rent apartments and charge groceries. Because by the time we had the means to make honest people of ourselves, we felt as if we had been together too long to bother.

But I don’t say any of these things.

“Don’t you like weddings?” someone will ask.

I love weddings. The odd mix of religion, government and pageantry moves me. It’s like theater, but with real people.

But I don’t say any of these things.

“Don’t you like weddings?” someone will ask.

I love weddings. The odd mix of religion, government and pageantry moves me. It’s like theater, but with real people.

I have been to weddings. I have seen the white dresses. I have worn the bridesmaid dress. I have smelled the roses. I have never caught the bouquet, but I have watched its trajectory with enthusiasm. I have heard the wedding band play “Shout,” and I have gotten a little bit louder now.

I have shopped the registries, and I have sent the pasta makers, the towels, the knives and the vases. I am comfortable with the fact that as a person who has no plans to marry, I will not receive the pasta maker, the towel, the knives or the vase in return.

Hans and I have been together a long time, and for better or for worse, we have those things already.

My accountant recently broached the subject of marriage with me. He has been my accountant for the last 13 years, and I feel as if he’s my second most important long-term relationship. We were discussing whether I should consider getting married now.

I said, “It feels like it has been too long.”

I guess because I am turning 40 this year, he said, “Well, there are reasons to be married when you are old.” The reasons fell largely into two categories: What happens when I die? And what happens if I get sick and then die?

Once, on the way back from Japan, a customs agent was furious at Hans and me for sharing a checked suitcase when we weren’t related. We were not family, which meant we needed to speak to customs separately. So how to deal with the problem of a shared suitcase? What was a customs agent to do?

“Well, you see,” I remember saying, “when he was in college, a relative opened up this credit card, and. …”

Basically, this encounter encapsulated the reason to get married at this peaceful midpoint of our lives. Because as you get old, per my accountant, life becomes a series of skirmishes with customs agents.

I know he is right. At this point, though, the math bothers me. I don’t want to start over again at Year 1. I worry that if Hans and I were to get married now, it would somehow be like saying the last two decades didn’t count.

I have had four dogs with the man I am not married to. I have dedicated several of my books to him, but really, they all could be. He is my most important reader and creative collaborator. We have traveled the world with one suitcase. We have cooked more than 100 Blue Apron meals without killing each other. We have shared a dozen different addresses. We have built a life. But we are not married. We live in California, which means we are not even common-law married.

Some time ago — we had not been married for 15 years — when we had an apartment by Riverside Park in New York, Hans woke up, looked out the window and said with boyish, almost biblical conviction, “Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.”

She was on one of our favorite shows, “The Flight of the Conchords.” We went down to walk our dog and the woman was still sitting in the park.

It was not Kristen Schaal. It could not have been less Kristen Schaal. And now we say this to each other all the time: “Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.” It is amazing how often this can be worked into conversation. This won’t be funny to anyone but the man I am not married to.

Our friends recently got divorced. They had been together as long as we had, and I had thought they were happy. But you can never know what goes on between two people. I asked her, “What percentage of time would you say you were happy?”

“Twenty percent,” she said. Several weeks later, she revised her estimate: “Maybe 2 percent.”

“Two!” I said. “How can a person live in a state of 2 percent happiness?”

“Perhaps 3,” she revised again.

Hans and I are happy together most of the time. We have the usual domestic squabbles. Our most frequent argument ends with him throwing up his hands and saying, “I’m not a handyman!”

Sometimes I think the secret to a long and happy marriage is never to get married in the first place, although there are surely married couples that are as happy as we are.

Not long ago, when a woman asked me the marriage question, I stumbled on what I believed to be the correct answer: “I have been with the same man for more than two decades, but I am not sure either of us believes in marriage.” I felt clever for stating my situation so concisely.

“Belief,” she scoffed. “Belief is for little children and Santa Claus.”

She was right. It’s just words to say I don’t believe in marriage. Having stayed with a person for more than 20 years, I must believe in marriage. I must believe that life is better in a pair than it is single.

When I say I don’t believe in marriage, what I mean to say is: I understand the financial and legal benefits, but I don’t believe the government or a church or a department store registry can change the way I already feel and behave.

Or maybe it would. Because when the law doesn’t bind you as a couple, you have to choose each other every day. And maybe the act of choosing changes a relationship for the better. But successfully married people must know this already.

I wake up in the morning and I look at Hans and think, I love you. I choose you above any other person. I chose you 21 years ago and I choose you today. I believe you to be a constant in my life, and I, a constant in yours. Loving you is the closest thing I have to faith. Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.

+ F.3. THANKSGIVING; WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR??

DivorceBuoy Nov24, 2017

Good evening and Happy Thanksgiving to our www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that is celebrated in the USA.

There is much for me to be thankful for: I have two wonderful young adult children, there is a lovely woman that I am dating, and I have really good health.

I am a bit saddened at this time, though, because one of my best leaders lost his son who was approximately 47 years old. My thoughts and prayers are with my former boss, S.A., and for the loss of his son who has the same initials – S.A. May he rest in peace, and may the family members regain a happiness and zest for life that they knew before S.A. died.

How about you? How is your zest for life? Should you get divorced? Should you be dating? Should you get…married? Lots of questions.

May you have a very good year until the next Thanksgiving in 2018.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

Edit This

Uncategorized

+ F.4. DATING … SUCKS!! BUT, WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE??

DivorceBuoy Dec 2, 2017

Good evening www.divorcebuoy.com faithful. How is your fall season going for ya?

Dating – I have had some success dating and I am pleased to say that I happily exclusive right now.

Many of the folks who are dating these days are meeting someone online.

Blind dates – meeting someone online can still result in what feels like a blind date. There is an informative article in the LA Times online that discusses blind dates.

Enjoy. I am providing this as information. It is not an endorsement of blind dates or an endorsement of the LA Times article.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Buoy

LA TIMES, L.A. AFFAIRS section

“I WENT ON BLIND DATES WITH A BUNCH OF LOSERS. HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED.”

By Tara Ellison, 1 December 2017

http://www.latimes.com/style/laaffairs/la-hm-la-affairs-tara-ellison-20171202-story.html

+ F.5. $$$ AND A RELATIONSHIP …

DivorceBuoy Dec9, 2017

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. How is your fall coming along. Chances are that some of you might have transitioned into winter. Good luck to you on that.

Money. Money, or the lack of money, is part of our life. You just can’t avoid it. Money can make life better and money can destroy a life, especially the ‘quest’ for money.

There was a good article in the online NY Times that discusses relationships and money.

“Couples can fight about anything, it’s just a fact of relationships. But arguments about money have a tendency to be particularly toxic, since they’re layered with deep emotional and personal history” the article states. As for me, my wife kept a $3,000 credit card charge from me for about 45 days and then I finally found out about it. She said that she and her mother were going to take care of it. I told her that it was our problem, not her mother’s problem.

You might find this article helpful.

Good luck to ya. Progress, no matter how small, is progress!!

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Buoy

More details:

In fact, researchers have shown there’s a direct relationshipbetween the number of times a couple has argued about their budget per month and their divorce rate.

Despite this, or maybe because of it, people tend to avoid financial talks with their partner. While standard marital advice has us studiously marking out “date nights” on the calendar to keep passion alive, there’s no phrase for scheduling nights to preserve fiscal harmony.

I wanted to skirt that pitfall. Once a month, I have a calendar reminder pop up. It reads: “HOTTALK DOLLARDOLLAR BILLS Y’ALL.” (Yes, in all caps.)

This is a little over-the-top and ridiculous. But injecting some levity into what can be a heated and emotional discussion — one where we lay our bank accounts bare — has allowed my husband and me to laugh a bit while tackling one of the most important conversations couples can have.

These chats do have their challenges, but they can also be deeply bonding. And more important, they can keep serious money problems at bay and help us save and invest more smartly. Here’s how to start up your own financial date night with your partner.

Dig into your history

Your attitude about money begins in childhood, starting with your parents’ behavior around spending and saving, experts said.

“Your first money memories were created when you understood money was more than just a toy,” said Suze Orman, the financial expert and author of “The Money Class.” After that moment, your attitude became shaped by a series of firsts, including your first allowance, first paycheck, first big-ticket purchase, first major money loss and so on. Analyzing this history is a key step in achieving financial harmony with another person.

These early memories are our “underlying blueprint,” she said. Benjamin Seaman, a couples therapist and co-founder of the New York Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy, said that “unpacking the origins of our approach to money” leads to a deeper understanding on both sides and “an appreciation of people’s raw spots.”

In other words, just as you exchanged your romantic history with your partner, share your back story when it comes to money.

Don’t withhold information

Money is an intimate subject, and we’re coached from an early age to be secretive about it. It’s hard to break that habit and let someone else in, and inviting another person into your pocketbook can mean risking judgment. (“You spend how much on avocado toast?!”)

Revealing your finances also means losing some autonomy. Many of us see our bank balance as the ultimate achievement of independence. Mr. Seaman acknowledges this and sums up those feelings as: “Finally! I get to do what I want. I don’t have my parents telling me what to do anymore.” It’s the freedom of impulse purchases and ice cream for dinner when no one else is watching.

But while sharing this information may make you vulnerable and accountable, you’ll also gain a new openness in your relationship.

“You have to stand in the truth with your financial partner,” Ms. Orman said. “You have to have the overarching goal of honesty and integrity.”

Face the hardest things head-on

Consider financial date nights the moment to unburden yourself. In these discussions, “fear, shame and anger are the three internal obstacles,” Ms. Orman said.

Mr. Seaman added that these feelings can multiply, leading to “cycles of shame and spending.” (Picture a closet full of unused Amazon purchases or an online poker habit.) But voicing that burden, and being met with acceptance and love from your partner, can put you on the path to healing.

If you’re on the receiving end of a confession from your partner, remember that having a common enemy is incredibly bonding. Teaming up to face something like student loan debt together can unite you, and these financial date nights give you the opportunity to be in the trenches together.

Remember that solutions aren’t universal

If you’ve found a system that works for you — like using only cash for purchases, money-tracking apps or a swear jar — don’t assume it will work for your spouse.

Gretchen Rubin, a habits expert and best-selling author, believes you should avoid the mentality that “if your spouse would just do it the way you did it, then problem solved.” Some of the deepest discords can occur when you shoehorn your approach onto your partner.

In her latest book, “The Four Tendencies,” Ms. Rubin has identified several character traits that shape people’s habits and perspectives.

One of the trickiest is the “rebels” who want to buck the rules. While rebels won’t respond well to Excel spreadsheets and budgeting mandates, they can get on board with other approaches.

“Rebels like a challenge,” Ms. Rubin said. “They like to do things in unconventional ways. You could say to them: ‘Let’s do something crazy! Let’s try to spend $10 a day for the next three months!’” and they will eagerly get on board.

Another personality group, “questioners,” needs to do its own research before committing. Before signing up for a 401(k), for instance, a questioner might want to see a chart showing the compound interest the account would earn.

“Obligers” seek outer accountability, so framing a financial step as a way to set a positive example for their children could motivate them. Give your partner room to zero in on his or her own approach to your shared goals.

Take time to dream

A budget can seem like drudgery: a forced diet on your spending buffet. But budgets aren’t just about reining in your wallet; they’re also about deciding where your money will go, road maps to shared destinations.

For this reason, financial date nights should include a discussion about the dreams you’d like to realize with your income.

“You should talk about your financial future,” Ms. Orman said. A European getaway? A three-bedroom house? A pair of matching hoverboards? These are all dreams you can save toward.

Regular check-ins with your partner will keep you both excited and focused on those goals, and, if you want to get creative, you can even bring a little arts and crafts into it.

“I’m a big fan of vision boards and making things real any way you can,” Mr. Seaman said. “When you put a little time into creating a goal chart or vision board, you’re telling yourself, ‘I believe in this.’” And you’re giving that message to your partner, too.

Keep it light and laugh about it

There’s a reason my calendar reminder doesn’t say, “Reoccurring Money Talk With Husband,” which sounds so crushingly serious. A little sprinkling of silly can keep your spirits up, even if your numbers are down.

“You want to have that levity. It helps people think more clearly and it helps them connect,” Ms. Rubin said.

Invite in humor anywhere you can, including account nicknames with personal jokes or spreadsheets with silly line items. (Our Hawaii honeymoon budget had an entry for “shark repellent.”) The goal isn’t to avoid hard subjects, but to dodge the hostility that could surround them. And if you’re laughing, you’re already defusing any potential anger.

But apart from humor, Ms. Rubin said, it also helps to “be mindful about shaping the experience to make it as pleasant as possible.”

She suggested pairing your financial date nights with a special coffee drink or time outside on a nice day. Ms. Orman has her own approach, scheduling her financial check-ins with her wife on a relaxing Saturday night over a glass of wine. Make the setting and the associations positive, so when that calendar reminder pops up again, you’re thinking, “Great!” not “Unsubscribe.”

+ F.6. DATING – SMALL TALK

DivorceBuoy Dec 16, 2017

Good day to you www.divorcebuoy.com folks. How are you?

I came across an interesting article that might apply to you? Dating can be awkward, especially that first date. Moments of silence during your first visit are not unusual. Enjoy the article and the humor that is included. Good luck to you folks who are out there active ‘in the dating pool’.

From the article, “When it came to small talk, Sebastien was feeling rusty. “One fear I had was I did not want to overtalk and blabber on about myself,” he said. As it turns out, it wasn’t blabbering on that Sebastien needed to be worried about. He and Esther talked about their backgrounds and careers for a couple of hours over cacio e pepe, a creamy pasta dish he’d previously tried to make himself, fusilli and gelato. But “after we got to the dessert, we were kind of running out of topics,” he recalled. “I didn’t feel like I was going to be able to sustain the conversation going forward.” It shook him. “The longer the pauses got, the more awkward it got.” (I talked to Sebastien for a half-hour or so, and, yeah, he can be pretty hesitant.)”

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

Title: DATE LAB: When it came to small talk, he was feeling rusty.

The Washington Post Magazine, 14 Dec 2017

Author: Neil Drumming

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/date-labwhen-it-came-to-small-talk-he-was-feeling-rusty/2017/12/11/2da1df8e-c677-11e7-84bc-5e285c7f4512_story.html?hpid=hp_weekend-chain_date-1217%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.bd3854e35997

Edit This

+ F.7. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL…HOPE, HEALTH, AND HAPPINESS

DivorceBuoy Dec 25, 2017

Twas the night before Christmas (24 December), and there I was, on the road for business travel and nary a church mouse was moving (since it was actually snowing outside).

I wish that you all have a loved one or a ‘loving one’ to share this Christmas with and that you will have happiness and good health planned/forecast for 2018.

Do you have someone that you are hoping to meet? I wish you success!!

This can be a challenging time for people who might be alone at Christmas time and feeling lonely.

To fight this loneliness, maybe you can call someone to talk to, go to a movie, go to a shopping mall that is still open, read a good book or Netflix something. You could even write to me on this site??!! Making plans for 2018 might also be a good way to combat this feeling of loneliness. If you feel suicidal, please do not do it. CALL 911 RIGHT AWAY.

I’ll hope to back with you before the end of the year.

Remember, progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

By Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!

On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

+ F.8. HAPPY NEW YEAR – 2018 – WHAT WILL YOU MAKE OF IT??

DivorceBuoy Jan 2, 2018

Hello divorcebuoy faithful.

Welcome to the next calendar ‘chapter’ of your life as the clock ticked down to zero and the calendar page turned over to 2018.

Were you happy to see 2017 finish and move on?

Are you looking forward to 2018?

As to divorce, what are you facing? Do you have a court date set? Do you have mediation planned? Will you have a CFI or a PRE? Will your divorce become finalized and you’ll feel free?

I wish you luck. I have been through all of that and it was not an easy journey. Here are some thoughts for you to consider:

1. keep your friends and family informed and engaged in helping you. They will probably be your best source of assistance.

2. keep your kids out of it! During my first court appearance my exwife brought my two kids to the court house and kept them on standby just in case she could convince the judge to see them. They were 8 and 6. That moment has been forever in their brains and it’s sad.

3. get the best lawyer that you can afford. There was an old saying by Fram Oil Filters – you can pay me now or pay me later. Better to pay a little more up front than for the years that follow.

4. fitness – try the best that you can do to keep fit or get some exercise. You’ll feel a lot better, you’ll sleep better, and it will free your mind to think clearly.

5. don’t give up. You may suffer setbacks but keep trying. Do it for your kids. Do it because it matters.

6. drive what you are doing and where you are going, vice being driven by circumstances. Try and go where you want and do what you want.

7. avoid alcohol and drugs. Avoid alcohol and drugs.

All for now. You can write to me if you need help.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ F.9. A BETTER RELATIONSHIP – IS IT POSSIBLE??

DivorceBuoy Jan 8, 2018

Good evening divorcebuoy.com faithful. How is your new year looking?

Ok, this post is for everyone that is in a relationship. Are you dating? Maybe you are in a relationship? Are you married? Maybe you are in a good relationship, a soured relationship, or a … dead relationship?

I have read a pretty good article that talks about ways to improve a relationship. I am not endorsing the relationship. I am just trying to bring it to your attention in the hopes that maybe it will help.

Good luck to you.

Remember – Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Buoy

8 WAYS TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP IN 2018

By Lindsey Underwood

NY TIMES, 3 Dec 2017

+ F.10. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY (TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE)

DivorceBuoy Feb 14, 2018

Good evening to you folks who are www.divorcebuoy.com faithful. It is the evening of 13 February 2018; the eve of Valentines Day.

I have two people that I know of that have a birthday tomorrow on 14 Feb and I have wished them a Happy Valentines Day/Birthday.

14 February – what does that mean to you? Do you keep up your ‘daily routine’ of loving your spouse or girl/boy friend of man/woman as you normally do or do you make it a special day in some way?

Me, I bought flowers and a Valentines Day balloon for the yoga studio that I go to as a way to say thanks to the yoga people who have added so much to my life and as a way to let some of the folks there know that there are loving people out there to wish them well even though they may not have an actual Valentine.

Singles out there. Don’t panic if you do not have someone to buy flowers for or if you are not going to buy flowers. You may have had special people in your life recently and maybe you have recently broken up with someone but at least you had a moment of love. Finding the right person is not easy.

All for now. I wish you all a bit of love on this upcoming Valentine’s Day and may you find Mr. or Ms. Right (for you).

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ G.1. LONELINESS (on VALENTINES DAY) – YA FEELIN’ IT??

DivorceBuoy Febr 14, 2018

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com folks. Today can be a special day in the minds and lives of some people. In the USA it is called Valentines Day. Valentines Day is a day to pay particular attention to your mate/spouse/boy or girl friend, etc.

But, chances are that some of you will be on the road, working, traveling, or just not have a special person to share Valentines Day with and maybe you will feel lonely??

1. Loneliness is all about isolation.

2. There is an epidemic of loneliness at the moment.

3. Loneliness is always bad.

4. Loneliness leads to ill health.

5. Most older people are lonely.

Good luck on this special day to feel the way you want to. Good luck on this special day in your efforts to keep a marriage alive??

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Buoy

More Details:

Loneliness has been called a modern epidemic. But is it really getting worse?

At some point in our lives, the chances are that you and I will feel lonely. It’s a problem that’s getting a lot of coverage at the moment. The UK even has a new Minister for Loneliness charged with working across government departments to address the issue. It’s an important topic and one that causes a lot of misery, but there are plenty of myths surrounding it. Here are five of the biggest.

1) Loneliness is all about isolation

Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection. It’s the sense that no-one around you really understands you and that you don’t have the kind of meaningful connections you would like. Isolation can be a factor, but it’s not the only one. You can feel lonely in a crowd, just as you can feel perfectly happy, even relieved, to spend some time alone. When the BBC conducted the Rest Test in 2016, the top five most popular restful activities all were ones that tend to be done alone. Sometimes we want to be alone. But if we don’t have the option to spend time with people who understand us, that’s when loneliness strikes.

2) There’s an epidemic of loneliness at the moment

Loneliness is undoubtedly getting a higher profile, but that doesn’t mean that a higher percentage of people feel lonely now compared to a few years ago. Using studies going back to 1948, Christina Victor from Brunel University has shown that the proportion of older people experiencing chronic loneliness has remained steady for 70 years, with 6-13% saying they feel lonely all or most of the time. But it is true that the actual numbers of lonely people are rising simply because there are more people in the world. So there is no doubt that loneliness is causing a lot of sadness.

3) Loneliness is always bad

Loneliness hurts. But the good news is that it’s often temporary – and shouldn’t be seen as entirely negative. Instead, it can be the signal to us to look for new friends or to find a way of improving our existing relationships.

The social neuroscientist John Cacioppo argues that we’ve evolved to experience loneliness in order to prompt us to maintain our connections with other people. He likens it to thirst. If you are thirsty you look for water. If you are lonely you look for other people. For many thousands of years humans have stayed safe by living in co-operative groups, so it makes sense to have a survival mechanism which drives us to connect with others.

Although loneliness is usually temporary, it is true that when it becomes chronic the consequences can be serious. There is good evidence that it can lower our well-being, affect the quality of our sleep, and lead to sadness. It can also result in a vicious cycle in which people feel so lonely that they withdraw from social situations, which in turn makes them feel even lonelier. Research has shown that if a person feels lonely, their risk of experiencing depressive symptoms a year later is higher.

4) Loneliness leads to ill health

This one is a bit more complicated. You often see statistics quoted on the effect that loneliness can have on our health. Reviews of the research have found that it could increase the risk of heart disease and stroke by almost a third and that lonely people have higher blood pressure and a lower life expectancy.

These are serious outcomes, but many of the studies are cross-sectional, taking a snapshot in time, so we can’t be certain of the causality. It is possible that unhappily isolated people are more likely to become ill. But it could also happen the other way around. People could become isolated and lonely because they already have poor health, which stops them from socialising. Or lonely people may show up in the statistics as less healthy because their loneliness has robbed them of the motivation to look after their health. And of course it needn’t be a case of it happening in one direction or the other. It could work both ways.

5) Most older people are lonely

Loneliness is more common in old age than in other adults, but in her review of loneliness across the lifespan Pamela Qualter from the University of Manchester found there is also a peak in adolescence. Meanwhile, studies show that 50-60% of older people are not often lonely.

There is still plenty we don’t know about loneliness. That is why we want to fill in some of those gaps in the scientific literature with the BBC Loneliness Experiment, devised by psychologists from Manchester, Brunel and Exeter Universities in collaboration with the Wellcome Collection. We want people the world over to fill in the survey, whether they’re young or old, lonely or not. The aim is to discover more about friendship, trust and the solutions to loneliness that really work, so that more people can feel connected.

+ G.2. Welcome back!

DivorceBuoy Oct 25, 2016

It’s time for another revamp! Divorcebuoy has undergone some massive changes since the prior incarnation. This site in one form or another has been online since 2008! It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. As we continue to update our information and advice, we hope you will find support and solace. We are not experts, but Buoy has been through the school of first hand experience and hopes to help you find your way through troubled times and hazardous waters. Please let us know if you have any questions or suggestions. We welcome them! info (at) divorcebuoy.com

+ G.3. I AM BACK….GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE!!!

DivorceBuoy Nov 11, 2016

I am getting schooled on the new processes of this page and uploading new info.

Be back in a minute.

Buoy

+ G.4. VETERANS DAY 2016 – I APPRECIATE YOUR SERVICE

DivorceBuoy Nov 16, 2016

Dear Veteran,

Sorry that I am a few days late in celebrating our day. I apologize.

I would like to thank you for your life investment in your service to our country. I too am a veteran having been a US Navy pilot from 1982-2002.

Please feel appreciated.

Sincerely,

Buoy

+ G.5. DIVORCE POISON – A BOOK FOR ‘SURVIVAL’ (IF YOU HAD KIDS)

DivorceBuoy Nov 20, 2016

Greetings divorcebuoy faithful.

If you have children and you are in the process of getting a divorce and it looks like the relationship with your exspouse is going to get worse then you may want to read this book.

Author – Dr. Richard Warshak

Title – Divorce Poison

If you have a big heart (like I do) and the last thing that you want to happen in your divorce is for you kids to suffer (like me) then you will more than likely be subject to some challenging times because of your soon to be ex or your exspouse.

Yes – do not subject your kids to conflict

Yes – do not make your kids chose

Yes – fight on behalf of your kids, whether or not it is for custody, whether or not it is to keep your loving relationship, and whether or not it is to counter the accusations of your ex that is filling your kids brains with hateful information.

I just spoke with a friend of a work colleague who was served papers for divorce. That person (trying to keep gender out of this) has a 9 yr old, a 7 yr old and a 3 yr old). Chances are that the 9 yr old is somewhat aware of what is going on. The chances are good that the 7 yr old will understand very little and the 3 yr old is probably lost. This person can not even see their kids.

Good luck to you on this!!

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

+ G.6. CONQUER REGRETS AFTER TAKING AN EMOTIONAL RISK

DivorceBuoy Nov22, 2016

Good day to you divorcebuoy folks.

As you progress through your divorce or recover from the lasting after affects of a court order please remember that…..there is life after divorce.

“To overcome what some call a vulnerability hangover, focus on the potential rewards”.

“Feeling vulnerable”.

“That is a good thing”.

Hope, Health, Happiness

Buoy

MORE DETAIL:

Psychologists and social scientists define vulnerability as the courage to show up and be seen and heard when you can’t control the outcome. It is what happens “any time you put yourself out there when there’s a chance it can all go to hell,” says Brené Brown, a social scientist and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, who has been studying vulnerability for more than a decade.

That is an uncomfortable position, filled with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. We’re hard-wired to avoid the feelings of fear and anxiety it produces.

And yet try falling in love, going out for a team, sharing a creative idea, asking for forgiveness, changing jobs, moving cities, leaving a bad relationship, loving again. These take courage. And courage always involves vulnerability, Dr. Brown says.

Vulnerability presents a dilemma: We may have a goal and take a risk to reach for it. But then we immediately regret our emotional exposure. Dr. Brown has a term for this: It is a vulnerability hangover.

No wonder the synonyms for the word “vulnerable” are so bleak: “defenseless,” “helpless,” “exposed,” “in danger,” “at risk.”

Dr. Brown says the hangover is a normal part of the vulnerability process. To learn how to endure it so we can stay open to possibility and reap the eventual rewards, be mindful of the four myths of vulnerability, she says: that it is a weakness; that you don’t have to be vulnerable; that it is just oversharing; that you can go through life alone and never open up.

And the rewards can be huge. Being vulnerable with someone establishes intimacy and trust, creating a shared emotional experience to forge a bond, says Hal Shorey, a psychologist and associate professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University in Chester, Pa. People typically feel open and warm toward someone who indicates he or she is vulnerable. Think of walking into a stuffy cocktail party alone and then meeting someone who admits she feels nervous and out of place.

Vulnerability can also humanize you, facilitate learning, and enable optimal problem solving, Dr. Shorey says.

So how do you cope with the vulnerability hangover?

Disclose on purpose. There are two types of vulnerability, Dr. Shorey says: Naive, where it happens by accident, and intentional. You want to practice vulnerability with intent. Before you open yourself up, anticipate the reaction of others and the emotional hits you might take. “Be mindful of what you want to happen and the impact on other people and yourself,” Dr. Shorey says.

Do a cost-benefit analysis. When you decide to be vulnerable, you’re giving up something secure in the present for a potential long-term gain, says David DeSteno, a professor of psychology at Northeastern University. Write down the pros of taking the risk you are considering on one side of a piece of paper, then the pros of the status quo on the other. One list should jump out at you.

Remember it is endearing. I once heard Tony Kushner, Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright and author of “Angels in America,” speak to a packed auditorium at a prestigious university. He opened by admitting he hated public speaking and was especially nervous because the school had rejected him when he applied to college there. He had his audience in the palm of his hand after that.

Focus on your action, not the outcome. “Being vulnerable is not about the success, it’s that we tried,” says Anna Osborn, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, Calif. If we tie our happiness too much to the outcome, we set ourselves up to be disappointed. Think of it this way: Maybe the person you’ve got a date with tonight won’t like you. You never know unless you show up for dinner.

Choose your audience and set the stage. If you’re going to be vulnerable and looking for support, choose the right person. Also, it helps to give the person a heads up. Say: “I need to be vulnerable. I don’t need you to fix it. I just need you to hear it.”

Write a list. Dr. Brown suggests getting out a 1” x 1” piece of paper and writing down the names of the people whose opinions matter to you, who love you because of your imperfections and vulnerability. Then keep it with you. These are the people to go to for advice on when to be vulnerable. What would they say?

Count to Eight. Dr. Brown encourages people to take breaths while counting slowly to eight. Can you stay with the discomfort long enough to calm yourself down? The goal is to resist the “flight” part of the “fight or flight” reflex.”

Think how you’d feel if you didn’t take the risk. “Vulnerability can be terrifying and dangerous,” says Dr. Brown, author of “Daring Greatly.” “But it’s never as terrifying or dangerous as getting to the end of your life and asking why you never showed up, why you never tried.”

+ G.7. HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2016

DivorceBuoy Nov 24, 2016

I would like to wish all of the www.divorcebuoy.com faithful a Happy Thanksgiving.

It is a tradition here in the USA to celebrate the last Thursday of November as our day of thanks.

? What are you thankful for?

I am thankful for my children.

I am thankful for my good health.

I am thankful for this site and the chance to make this site better and more useful.

May you find a happy moment today and enjoy your friends and family.

Sincerely,

Buoy

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

+ G.8. THE JOURNEY, YOGA, and HALLELUJAH

DivorceBuoy Nov 28, 2016

Hello www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

It’s a Monday. How are ya?

Somewhere in the last few weeks someone had mentioned to me about the journey of life that we are on.

It seems as though the perspective about the ups and downs of our life are better understood or dealt with if we realize that our destination is somewhat in our control (which I believe in) although some folks feel that we are destined for the events which we are confronted with.

Yoga – I have been attending a hot power vinyasa yoga class every now and then in my town and it is great!!! A couple of weeks ago I was having a bit of a low point and I asked the sensational instructor for a bit of their usual inspiration. A person walking in to attend the class asked me what was going on. I told her. This person then proceeded to help me, inspire me, make me feel better, and put my situation into perspective.

Joy – this person at yoga told me that the event was meant to happen. That the person who had ’caused the event’ had done me a favor!!! Wow. That changed my thinking!!! This person’s name is….Joy and she is … 82 yrs old!

Hope, Health, Happiness. We cannot do it alone so look for people that can help you in a sincere and loving way. When you feel up to it then look for people that you can help and provide some of ‘Joy’s Magic’!!

Halleljuah – there is a great song on youtube and other music apps that will pick you up!! I recommend that you down load it and enjoy.

Buoy

+ G.9. AFTER A BREAK UP, AN APP TO HELP BREATHE, THEN RUN

DivorceBuoy Dec 5, 2016

HOPE, HEALTH, and HAPPINESS.

Buoy

DETAILS:

“When was the last time you breathed properly?” the therapist asked me.

His name was Allan. Thirty minutes into my first visit, I was still waiting for him to reach the part where he would help me get over the end of my relationship.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said.

“Easy, open breathing. Big lungfuls of air.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I breathe all the time.” I tried steering the conversation myself. “I just think I need to work out what happened —— ”

“I’m not interested in what happened,” he said. “I’m interested in the last time you breathed normally. You’re a young, healthy woman. But your paperwork tells me you’re struggling at work, haven’t eaten a full meal in weeks and can’t sleep. You need to fix that.”

I thought therapy would help convince me that the loss of the person I had been devoted to for years was a good thing. Instead, something in Allan’s blunt insistence on the symptoms and not the cause had put me on my heels.

He peered over his notepad. “You’re all hunched up,” he said. “You look miserable. Your homework for next week is to do the exercises I’ll email you. You’ve got six sessions, and I want you breathing and sleeping properly by the end of it.”

Cycling home afterward, I had already dismissed Allan’s words and returned to my regular programming: raking through the seven years since I had met my ex, mining memories for details of where it went wrong.

We had started with two years of silent longing (me) and dating other people (him) before finally feeling our way into a life and home together in London. Until one painful, protracted summer, he left.

I had always prided myself on being strong, on being able to bounce back, but here I was, months later, wrestling with questions without answers at night and awakening to a frightening bleakness.

Lying awake that evening, I wondered if I was making a mistake in outsourcing my problems. Allan’s focus on breathing sounded suspiciously like mindfulness to me.

I had another long night ahead, though, so I groped around the bedsheets for my phone, and that’s when I saw his promised email.

“Download the app in the link below,” it read. “When you use it, imagine a place you feel happy and safe. Hold that image in your mind. Then focus on your breathing. Use the app each night before you go to sleep. Exercise.”

My mind cast around for the prescribed happy place, settling on a pebble beach on the south coast of England where I had spent childhood summers. I tried to remember its hard, smooth stones, the sounds of my brother yelling from the sea.

The app, Positivity with Andrew Johnson, started. In a Scottish burr, a man counted down from 10.

With a twinge of curiosity, I tried breathing in. Allan had a point: My chest was tight with tension. I attempted to push the air down, and my tummy distended like a child’s. As I tried to synchronize my breathing, the vision of the beach kept escaping and then reappearing, interrupted by jags of thought.

Still, I kept trying every night. Learning how to breathe was at least something different, a quick break from analyzing my own well-worn love story with exhausting precision.

When I visited Allan a few weeks later, our conversation turned to intuition.

“What does your gut tell you about what you should be doing?” he asked.

“My gut?” I felt embarrassed. “I don’t feel anything in there.” I looked down hopefully at my stomach. Privately, I had always wondered what people meant by intuition.

“You mentioned that you were nervous, that you often experienced anxiety from the start of the year,” he said. “Why do you think that was?”

I have always relied on the flush of adrenaline to get stuff done. Yet a deeper, more frantic energy than usual had seeped in during the months before my boyfriend left.

This tension pushed the vacuum cleaner faster round the living room and infused the meals I had started to make from cookbooks. Our apartment had never looked so tidy. On rainy Sundays, I urged him to make plans for a trip to Paris, which he wasn’t keen on.

“I find it hard to believe that my body knew something was up before my brain did,” I said, petulance creeping into my voice.

“Intuition is a sense developed from your past experiences, books you’ve read, sounds on the street, conversations, facial expressions,” Allan said. “All valuable information. It can help you to distinguish between what is real and what is fake, to notice something dangerous. Perhaps you trust your thoughts more, though.”

“Thoughts are all I have, surely,” I said. “That’s where all that information ends up getting used.”

“There’s plenty of research that would disagree with you. Why not try listening to your body instead of your head? That’s where all your feelings have been coming from.”

Feelings. We hadn’t talked about feelings at all. But as the weeks passed, I found that painful emotions, long ossified and remote, began overtaking me in humiliating ways. Tears streamed down my face in supermarkets; my shoulders heaved silently on family car trips.

My feelings were like the drunk who shows up too late to the party, misjudging the mood. Yet it was a strange relief to find I was capable of them. The tears were new, and they felt animal. Salt burned a rash around my eyelids in a way that I suspected wasn’t entirely about the end of a relationship.

The breakup had done something else: It had caused a crack, and the breathing only seemed to be making it wider. Earlier, stuffed-down secrets and disasters found the fissure and out they came, noisily, messily. They had been quiet for years, but now they wanted water and air.

In Allan’s company, I seemed to spend increasing amounts of time feeling like an idiot. “I’m not trying to be difficult —— ”

He suddenly sounded kind. “I don’t think you are,” he said. “But deep down, people often know when something is coming. When something has to change.”

The last time I spoke to Allan was on the phone; I had work I couldn’t get out of. He was as unrepentantly to the point as ever. “It’s fine,” he said as I apologized. “You’ll be fine. But I wanted to say, if your ex-boyfriend comes back, think seriously. Good luck. And don’t forget to fill in the feedback form.”

Later that day, from across my office desk, my phone pinged. It was a message from my ex: “Do you want to meet up? I’d like to speak to you.”

How had Allan foreseen that? The old love drew me back in, even when reduced to digital form.

“When?” I replied. “Where do you want to meet up?”

A few days later, after an evening of stilted small talk in a pub, we stood together on a London street streaming with people. It was a sharp, clear November night. I felt blindsided. Ten minutes earlier he had stared cryptically into my face and said: “I think we should try again. I miss you.” Words I had been willing him to say.

“I understand this is a surprise,” he said. “I’ll wait for you to decide.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I mumbled.

But then there was the beach. I had found that the more time I spent imagining that beach, the better I felt, the more I noticed things. That afternoon, for example, I had enjoyed how the cold air smelled of bonfires.

Even now, flooded with fear, I had briefly thought how cheerful the city’s scarlet buses looked as they slid past in the dark.

I could see him waiting for a response, but I stood dumb. The traffic roared and I could feel my feet vibrating with the pavement. Cold wind brushed past, goading me. It was all in league with a new, internal voice, one that spoke quietly and unexpectedly.

“Leave him,” it said. “Take what you have and run.”

So with hardly a word, I turned and ran for the bus.

That was a couple of years ago. Allan gave me no cure for heartbreak, but he did teach me some things. To look after my body, to pay it respect. To question my mind, which doesn’t understand half as much as it thinks it does. To understand that the time spent in the gap between the endless stories we tell ourselves is the present.

These days, I care more about being peaceful and happy than about being in love. I’m not sure love is love if it consumes you, if it dominates your thoughts. Perhaps that’s something else: obsession, limerence.

While it’s a trip to get lost in a relationship, finding yourself again can prove time-consuming and costly. But breathing freely, feeling alert to the world and being in touch with your emotions? Just $2.99 at the app store. And a lot of work.

Next I’d like to try having love and happiness at the same time, though. I’ve heard it’s possible.

+ G.10. FIND A LAWYER – GOOD LUCK (YOU MAY WANT TO USE THE ‘BAR ASSOCIATION OF YOUR STATE’

DivorceBuoy Dec 5, 2016

Good evening www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

The mind is really churning away tonight.

I came across a very good resource for your divorce needs which should present a pretty much factual and straightforward wealth of information – the lawyer’s bar association for your state!!

http://www.cobar.org

This link listed just above is the link to the Colorado Bar Association. The menu screen on the left side of that home page presents the following information:

For Members

For the Public

Casemaker

Find a Lawyer

Calendar

Classifieds

The Colorado Lawyer
About the CBA

Local Bar Associations

Good luck in finding out that one piece of info that may make the difference in your case or in how you feel.

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Buoy

+ H.1. LIFE GOES ON (IF YOU CHOOSE IT TO GO ON!!)

DivorceBuoy Dec 13, 2016

Good day to you www.divorcebuoy.com faithful.

I came across an inspiring article that I thought would help you to get through the hard spots in your life. The title of the article is ‘Read ‘American Sniper’ widow Taya Kyle’s answer to Craig Morgan on how to find joy after a loss’ (written by Emily Yahr, November 11, 2016, The Washington Post).

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/11/11/read-american-sniper-widow-taya-kyles-answer-to-craig-morgan-on-how-to-find-joy-after-loss/?hpid=hp_hp-cards_hp-card-lifestyle%3Ahomepage%2Fcard&utm_term=.9b5f436a13b4

Here is one of her strongest quotes, “But I’d be a fool to ignore what’s in front of me, and I’d be a fool to not live this life and see the blessings for what they are and see the beautiful people in this world who are stronger than I am and who do more things than I do and try to give back, pay it forward, keep moving, all of those things. So I feel like if that’s a long-winded answer to your question, I feel like it’s just a combination of a lot of things that give me moments of joy. And then those moments of heartbreak, too.”

Good luck in finding the joy in your life after a loss!!!

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS

Buoy

+ H.2. MERRY CHRISTMAS; HAPPY HOLIDAYS; A TRIBUTE TO MY BUDDY D.H.

DivorceBuoy Dec 24, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening. I am on the road but hope to be home tomorrow which is Christmas Eve.

Many of you will celebrate the reported birth of Jesus on the 25th. You have a lot to celebrate.

Happy Holidays. Some of you are not Christian nor very religious but you still have holidays to celebrate so……Happy Holidays.

Life and…..living. What does living mean? What does life mean?

The reason that I ask you that question is that a dear friend and former neighbor of mine committed suicide about one week ago. He had some neurological issues related to being exposed to toxic fumes as a pilot for a commercial airline. That resulted in some financial issues too.

ASK FOR HELP!!!

How does my small tribute to my friend DH relate to this site? DH never asked for help. Many people who are going through divorce have many challenges but rarely voice their issues nor ask for help. I can tell ya that the tools that I developed during the illness of my first wife and son helped me immensely in dealing with divorce.

ASK FOR HELP!!!!

All I can do is suggest that you tell friends and family how you are feeling. Especially during this holiday season.

Suggestions:

Find something to do so that you are not alone.

Workout. Even if it is just a small bit of exercise it will help you cope.

Treat yourself. Do something that makes you happy and maybe even a little splurge?

All for now. Please start looking at 2017 in positive terms. Good luck in your quest!!

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

+ H.3. HAPPY NEW YEAR; WELCOME 2017

DivorceBuoy Dec 31, 2016

Good day to you divorcebuoy faithful.

It is now Dec 31st here in the USA. It may be 2017 where you live?

I took an informal survey of clients over the last few days. Half of them were ready for 2016 to be over and about half of them were ready for 2017 to begin.

Lots of turmoil in the world and there may be turmoil in your life.

HELP – please ask people for help. Do not let your sadness or depression go without friends or family being aware of what you are going through. Seek professional help if your friends are overwhelmed by your situation.

HEALTH – one big assist in your life is to become fitter or fit. You may be in a divorce battle and it will take the emotions out of you and drain you physically. The more fit you are the more you will be prepared to fight for what is right.

LIFE – Life is finite. Work to make your life happy/happier and minimize the heartaches. Lots of reasons for enjoyment!!

HOPE – please keep some hope in your life.

DATING – Good luck with that. I have met some wonderful people while dating. Yes, it does take some effort! People have said that ….. you have to kiss some frogs to find a prince/princess. Enjoy.

All for this year. I wish you the best in 2017. Feel free to contact me at info@divorcebuoy.com if you have any needs or suggestions.

Hope

Health

Happiness

Buoy

+ H.4. DAMAGED GOODS??!!; LOVE YOURSELF and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

DivorceBuoy Jan 16, 2017 3

Good morning divorcebuoy people. How did you survive Friday the 13th?

This tribute/blog is to a woman that I recently met.

We have gotten to know each other a bit and she recently referred to the fact that she thought that she was “damaged goods”. Wow, how can that be?

She has been divorced twice (there are many folks who have been divorced at least twice) and seems to feel that some of the ‘after affects’ of the divorce are embedded in her ‘being’. That is wayyyyyy to bad for her to think that. I have asked her two things:

1. to never say that again.

2. to LOVE HERSELF and BELIEVE IN HERSELF.

The world that we live in can be challenging. The everyday events that we are exposed to can have a negative affect on how we feel and who we are/might become. Somehow, some way, we need to overcome those negative feelings and get through the challenge as best we can and live a happy life.

This woman that I am referring to in this blog – let us call her Buffy.

If Buffy reads this blog I would ask her to believe that she is a beautiful woman, both from her heart and outwardly, and to love herself in such a way as to forever drive away that feeling as being ‘damaged goods’. Yes, I’d say that there is a likelihood of being hurt and scared but not damaged. Buffy, there is wayyyyy to much greatness in you to ever feel damaged.

All for today. It’s Monday, 16 January. Have a great week!!

HOPE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS!

Buoy

+ H.5. R U SCARRED AND SCARED??

DivorceBuoy Jan 22, 2017

Happy New Year to all of the divorcebuoy faithful!!

It is Sunday, 22 January 2017.

? How has 2017 started for you? It has been great for me.

The topic of my dialogue today is to explain about a spelling dilemma that I recently had when talking to a great woman.

She was married and divorced twice and I could see that those marriages have left their scares.

She talked about being scared to enter into another relationship.

My spelling dilemma was that I needed to use the word scar in the plural and past tense and then also talk about her having a scare or scares and use ‘scare’ in the past tense. Initially it seemed like scar in the past tense could be scared but then that is the spelling of ‘scared’. Thus, the r x 2 used in scarred.

Chances r that if you r reading this blog then you have been married and divorced and that you have a scar or two and that you are a bit scared of ‘getting back into it’? True?

Scars – as I look at my scars from an active life of sports or working on a ranch (and losing part of my L ring finger) I have realized that those physical scars have not stopped me from doing what I love (my most recent physical scar came on my recent bday when I finished a mtn run and tripped coming down the mtn and now I have a scar on my left forearm).

Emotional Scars – it is my belief that the greatest pain that we suffer is emotional pain! Thus, your emotional scars may take longer to heal and that your emotional scars my never heal. If your emotional scars never heal then that is wayyyyyy to bad because there is a lot of good aspects to life but you must ‘get out’ to see them and experience them:

1. Pain is a great educator (not the best educator).

2. It is one thing to suffer pain. It is another thing to suffer pain and not learn from it.

Good luck in learning from your pain.

Good luck in living past the emotional scars and getting over being scared.

Hope.

Health.

Happiness.

Have a great wk!

Remembere…..Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Buoy

+ H.6. DIVORCE WILL MAKE YOU ‘OLD’; “YOUNGER NEXT YEAR”

DivorceBuoy Jan 23, 2017

Hello divorcebuoy folks.

It’s a Monday. How does your week look? Mine looks pretty good.

The reason for my post today is purely timing. This great person that I met is considering some life changes, like getting rid of coffee (no kidding) and maybe a bit of a reduction in alcohol as well as a return to fitness. Those are some great goals to have and they are surely attainable/sustainable/trainable

The timing – when I heard of this great person’s quest it coincided with my reading a book title YOUNGER NEXT YEAR by CHRIS CROWLEY AND HENRY S. LODGE, M.D.

It was recommended that I read this book by a man who is hosting a semi annual charity bike ride in MOAB, UT called the Skinny Tire. It is a fantastic ride (I did the ride in the fall/September). The book’s cover talks about “LIVE STRONG, FIT, AND SEXY – UNTIL YOU’RE 80 AND BEYOND”.

What does that you to do with you? You have divorced, your life has changed, and it may have changed for the worse and you are playing the victim. Time to change course and get yourself on a better course!!!!!! Here is what I read today, which is amazing timing related to that great person who is wanting to make a lifestyle course change.

CHAPTER 3, The New Science of Aging – “When I had been in practice as a general internist for ten years, I sat down and took stock. What I saw changed my life, the way I practice medicine, and ultimately led to writing this book with Chris. Things were going well. I loved my job, I loved my patients and I had wonderful colleagues. But the patients who had been with me from the beginning were coming into their late fifties, sixties and seventies, and things were happening. Some had become friends as well patients, but most I saw only occasionally – once a year for their physicals and from time to time as problems came up. The annual checkups were like time-lapse photography, and in those jerky pictures I saw people I cared about getting old at an alarming clip. Many were sedentary, but even those who were moderately active were becoming increasingly overweight, out of shape, and apathetic. And some were getting seriously sick. They were having strokes, heart attacks, liver problems, cancers, and bad injuries. A number had died, and the timing did not seem to make sense.

“One of the hardest things about medicine is delivering bad news: “We’ll need to do some more tests”…”This looks suspicious”…”Why don’t you sit down so we can talk?” All the euphemisms we use to say that life had suddenly – and irreversibly – taken a bad turn. I became increasingly aware that most of these conversations were happening long before they should have, and for reasons that were clear and avoidable.

“It was not that I had missed a diagnosis or failed to spot something on an X-ray. I had done what doctors do well in this country, which is to treat people when they come in with a disease. My patients had had good medical care but not, I believe, great health care. For most, their declines, their illnesses, were thirty-year problems of lifestyle, not disease. I, like most doctors in America, had been doing the wrong job well. Modern medicine does not concern itself with lifestyle problems. Doctors don’t treat them, medical schools don’t teach them, and insurers don’t pay to solve them. I began to think that this was indefensible. I had always spent time on these issues, but I had not made them a primary focus. And far to many of my patients – including some very smart and able people – were having lousy lives. Some were dying.

Skip a paragraph

“It is inexplicable that our society, plagued by soaring medical costs and epidemics of obesity, heart disease and cancer, cares little about these things. The simple fact is that we know perfectly well what to do. Some 70 percent of premature death and aging is lifestyle-related. Heart attacks, strokes, the common cancers, diabetes, most falls, fractures and serious injuries, and many more illnesses are primarily caused by the way we live. If we had the will to do it, we would eliminate more than half of all diseases in men and women over fifty. Not delay it, eliminate it. That is a readily attainable goal, but we are not moving toward it. Instead, we have made these problems invisible by making them part of the “normal” landscape of aging. As in “Oh, that’s a normal part of growing older.”

Wise words spoken!!! Please take note of the possibility of changing your life for the better.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE

HEALTH

HAPPINESS

Seeya, Buoy

+ H.7. DATING – IS THERE A TIMELINE???? (RESONANCE)

DivorceBuoy Jan 30, 2017

Good evening divorcebuoy faithful. It is Sunday night and I am looking ahead at a great new week.

First, the message.

I went to a hot power vinyasa yoga class today and it was great and inspirational. The outstanding yogi started and ended the class by sharing some inspiration:

“YOU DON’T MEASURE LOVE IN TIME. YOU MEASURE LOVE IN TRANSFORMATION. SOMETIMES THE LONGEST CONNECTIONS YIELD VERY LITTLE GROWTH, WHILE THE BRIEFEST OF ENCOUNTERS CHANGE EVERYTHING. THE HEART DOESN’T WEAR A WATCH – IT’S TIMELESS. IT DOESN’T CARE HOW LONG YOU KNOW SOMEONE. WHAT IT CARES ABOUT IS RESONANCE. RESONANCE THAT OPENS IT, RESONANCE THAT ENLIVENS IT, RESONANCE THAT CALLS IT HOME. AND WHEN IT FINDS IT, THE TRANSFORMATION BEGINS.”

(attributed to Jeff Brown)

So, if you are lucky enough to date then there may have been some discussion with your date about….what can be done after 3 dates (kissing, sex, sleeping together, etc.) and what can be done after 5 dates, etc. There is sometimes a discussion, or confusion, about whether or not the relationship is exclusive (good luck with that one. I have taken unofficial surveys of men and women and it seems as though there is a difference of opinion between the men and women on this issue).

All for now. I wish you all the best of luck in finding resonance!!

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

HOPE

HEALTH

HAPPINESS

Have a great week. Buoy

+ H.8. DATING – IT’S A NUMBERS GAME

DivorceBuoy Feb 9, 2017

I came across this interesting article and I have posted it with the desire to give you hope. Yes, I have met some great women while dating but I have also had some dates that resemble what is discussed in this article.

However, if you do not get in the game then you won’t hit that home run/find that right person.

Good luck to ya.

HOPE HEALTH HAPPINESS

Buoy

DETAILS:

Solo-ish

Dating wasn’t working for me — until I went out with 15 guys in one month

I asked the exact same question of every single bride who hired me to work their wedding as a professional bridesmaid. It wasn’t about their biggest wedding-day fear or how much money they had left in their budget. I asked how they met their fiance.

Part of me wanted to know because it was a great way to kick off a conversation with a stranger who was hiring me to be their bridesmaid for the day, and part of me wanted to know for my own selfish reasons. For most of my time in this job, I’ve been single.

Their answers were part of my research on how they managed to find the one thing I couldn’t wrap my arms around without it slipping away from me — a loving and supportive relationship. I figured that hearing about their meet-cutes would give me enough inspiration and motivation to stop rolling my eyes at dating.

But after a while, their answers started to fall into three main buckets:

The ones who met their match back in high school or college, an opportunity I clearly missed.

The ones who met them at work, which wasn’t going to happen to me since I was running a business of one employee (me!) from my living room.

The ones who met through the modern-day fairy tale of swiping right on each other’s profile. I had tried that, again and again, without any luck.

By asking that question over 40 times in two years, I hoped that I would hear an unusual answer that would somehow magically end my long-running reputation as the “single one” in my group of friends. Quite literally, I was always the bridesmaid but never the bride.

It finally happened, last February, when I found myself sitting across from a new bride of mine at a coffee shop on the Upper West Side.

“So, tell me, where did you and your fiance meet?” I asked, wondering what bucket her answer would fall into.

“I gamified dating,” she said, sipping her hot chocolate.

“What does that mean?” I shot back.

“I decided to join JDate and go on four dates every Saturday. I made a spreadsheet. Ranked guys by my preferences and narrowed down my pool of guys into a top five and then picked the best one. It only took me a month to meet my fiance.”

“You went on four dates a day?” I asked, wondering how she had the stamina.

“Yes. Each date was 30 minutes. After it was over, I’d walk around the block and come back inside to meet my next date.”

Here I was, talking to someone who treated dating like you might would treat shopping for a car. Yet I was intrigued by her technique. It seemed like an exhausting but fun challenge. I wondered if I could survive it.

“It is a numbers game,” she told me.

I knew she was right. Going on one bad date every six months was not helping my odds of finding something lasting.

After our meeting, I spent the subway ride home re-downloading dating apps I had deleted. I was going to commit to going on 14 first dates during the month of February.

I set some rules: I would say yes to every guy that asked me out, and I had to ask out guys whenever I felt the urge to meet them in real life. No date could be longer than 45 minutes, and if after the first date, I wasn’t excited by the thought of seeing them again, I would turn down the offer of a second date.

Two days later, I found myself on date one, with a guy who spent most of our time together looking down at his phone and then back up at the TV screen. When 45 minutes passed, I politely asked for the check, went home and arranged first-date number two for the next night. When Saturday arrived, I had scheduled four dates for that day, each at coffee shops just two blocks away from one another. The first date of the day was with a guy much older than I was, leaving us with not much to talk about. The second date was with a die-hard Donald Trump supporter who spent the date pretending to be his campaign manager. The third was with a guy who talked to me only about Uber’s business model. The fourth date, well, I practically was asleep by then.

The next six dates weren’t any better. There was a guy who showed up late because he was doing drugs, a guy who spoke only about how much money his parents had, and a guy who kept talking about how perfect his ex-girlfriend was.

After I made it to the end of February and the end of my 14 dates, I wanted to text my bride and ask why this experiment worked so well for her but not for me. Instead, I logged into one of the dating apps, erased my profile, and searched for the “delete” button. I noticed I had a new message from a guy named Adam. Our match was expiring in four hours and we hadn’t spoken yet. He messaged me his phone number saying that if I saw this before our match expired, I should text him.

“No way,” I said out loud. I wasn’t so keen on texting a guy first. But then I remembered that it was only March 1. Why not go on date 15?

It has been about 11 months since I met Adam at a coffee shop on a cold March day. I remember walking in, sluggish, thinking about the many awful iterations of how this date could turn out. But then I ended up thinking to myself — as we chatted about live music, the best pizza spots and, of course, my job as a bridesmaid for hire — that there was something different about our conversation. It didn’t feel like just another first date. I had stopped looking at my watch and we were way over the 45 minute mark. We sat in that coffee shop for three hours.

I remember leaving that day, not sure if there would be a second date, although I hoped there would be. I finally understood that love is a numbers game. One where I must keep putting myself in front of new people until finally I find one who feels a bit different than the rest.

And yes, Adam and I are still going strong.

+ H.9. 5 REASONS THAT MARRIAGE DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE – YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!!

DivorceBuoy Feb 24, 2017

Dear Divorcebuoy faithful,

Good evening to ya. Bit snowy where I am. How is your weather?

Here is an article that is good for discussion. I don’t believe that a marriage cannot work, especially if both people try. It’s that simple.

Good luck to ya.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress!

Hope, Health, and Happiness.

Buoy

5 reasons marriage doesn’t work anymore

Editor’s Note: Anthony D’Ambrosio, 29, of Wall, N.J., has built a large following after the success of his relationship columns that regularly appear in The Asbury Park (N.J.) Press. Here, he discusses why marriages just don’t work for people of his generation. D’Ambrosio is now divorced after getting married in 2012.

Marriages today just don’t work.

The million dollar question? Why not?

It’s a pretty simple concept — fall in love and share your life together. Our great grandparents did it, our grandparents followed suit, and for many of us, our parents did it as well.

Why the hell can’t we?

Many of you will ask what gives me the right to share my advice or opinions.

I’ve been divorced myself. But I’m only one of the many people today that have failed at marriage. And while some of us have gone through a divorce, others stay in their relationships, miserably, and live completely phony lives.

These same people, though, are quick to point the finger and judge others for speaking up.

I’ve spent the better part of the last three years trying to understand the dating scene again. Back when I met my ex-wife in 2004, things were just so different. Social media had yet to explode. I had this desire to ask her about her day simply because I didn’t know.

Texting was just starting to make its way into mainstream society, so if I wanted to speak to her, I had to call her.

If I wanted to see her, I had to drive to her house and knock on her door. Everything required an action on my part, or hers.

Today, things are different though.

Looking back nearly 11 years, I began to wonder how different things were for the older generations.

More importantly, I wonder how different they will be for my children.

Our generation isn’t equipped to handle marriages — and here’s why:

1) Sex becomes almost non-existent.

I don’t know about you, but I am an extremely sexual person. Not only do I believe it’s an important aspect of a relationship, I believe it’s the most important.

Beyond being pleasurable, sex connects two individuals. There’s a reason why it’s referred to as making love.

There’s just something about touching someone, kissing someone, feeling someone that should make your hair stand up.

I’m baffled by couples who neglect having sex, especially younger ones. We all desire physical connection, so how does cutting that off lead you to believe your marriage will be successful? It’s like telling someone you’ll take them out to a restaurant but they can’t order food.

Instead, we have sex once every couple weeks, or when it’s time to get pregnant. It becomes this chore. You no longer look at your partner wanting to rip their clothes off, but rather instead, dread the thought. That’s not crazy to you?

It’s not just boredom that stops sex from happening. Everywhere you look, there’s pictures of men and women we know half naked — some look better than your husband or wife. So it becomes desirable. It’s in your face every single day and changes your mindset.

It’s no wonder why insecurities loom so largely these days. You have to be perfect to keep someone attracted to you. Meanwhile, what your lover should really be attracted to is your heart. Maybe if you felt that connection beyond a physical level, would you realize a sexual attraction you’ve never felt before.

2) Finances cripple us.

Years ago, it didn’t cost upward of $200,000 for an education. It also didn’t cost $300,000-plus for a home.

The cost of living was very different than what it is now. You’d be naive to believe this stress doesn’t cause strain on marriages today.

You need to find a job to pay for student loans, a mortgage, utilities, living expenses and a baby. Problem is, it’s extremely difficult to find a job that can provide an income that will help you live comfortably while paying all of these bills — especially not in your mid 20s.

This strain causes separation between us. It halts us from being able to live life. We’re too busy paying bills to enjoy our youth. Forget going to dinner, you have to pay the mortgage. You’ll have to skip out on an anniversary gift this year because those student loans are due at the end of the month. Vacations? Not happening.

We’re trying to live the way our grandparents and parents did in a world that has put more debt on our plate than ever before. It’s possible, but it puts us in an awful position.

Part of life is being able to live. Not having the finances to do so takes away yet another important aspect of our relationships. It keeps us inside, forced to see the life everyone else is living.

3) We’re more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.

Let’s face it, the last time you “spoke” to the person you love, you didn’t even hear their voice.

You could be at work, the gym, maybe with the kids at soccer. You may even be in the same room.

draft

D’Ambrosio states that one of the reasons young couple can’t survive marriage is the lack of sex and the abundance of technology in the bedroom. (Photo: FILE PHOTO)

You told your wife you made dinner reservations … through a text message.

Your husband had flowers delivered to your job … through an app on his phone.

You both searched for furnishings for your new home … on Pinterest.

There’s no physical connection attached to anything anymore.

We’ve developed relationships with things, not each other. Ninety-five percent of the personal conversations you have on a daily basis occur through some type of technology. We’ve removed human emotion from our relationships, and we’ve replaced it colorful bubbles.

Somehow, we’ve learned to get offended by text on a screen, accusing others of being “angry” or “sad” when, in fact, we have no idea what they are feeling. We argue about this — at length.

We’ve forgotten how to communicate yet expect healthy marriages. How is it possible to grow and mature together if we barely speak?

Years ago, my grandmother wouldn’t hear from my grandfather all day; he was working down at the piers in Brooklyn. But today, if someone doesn’t text you back within 30 minutes, they’re suddenly cheating on you.

You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary? Because they weren’t scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner. They weren’t on Facebook criticizing others. They weren’t on vacation sending Snapchats to their friends.

No.

They were too preoccupied loving and respecting one another. They were talking to each other at dinner, walking with each other holding hands instead of their phones. They weren’t distracted by everything around them. They had dreams and chased them together.

4) Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.

Even years ago, people would clamor over celebrities. When I think back, I can imagine young women wanting to be like Marilyn Monroe. She was beautiful, all over magazines, could have any man she wanted and, in fact, did.

But she was a celebrity. And in order to be a successful one, she had to keep all eyes on her. Same holds true for celebrities today. They have to stay in the spotlight or their fame runs out, and they get replaced by the next best thing.

Social media, however, has given everyone an opportunity to be famous. Attention you couldn’t dream of getting unless you were celebrity is now a selfie away. Post a picture, and thousands of strangers will like it. Wear less clothing, and guess what? More likes.

It’s more than that though. What about the life you live? I see pictures of people decked out in designer clothes, posted up in some club with fancy drinks — People that I know are dead broke. But they portray themselves as successful because, well, they can. And they get this gratification from people who like and comment on their statuses or pictures.

If you want to love someone, stop seeking attention from everyone because you’ll never be satisfied with the attention from one person.

Same holds true for love.

Love is supposed to be sacred. You can’t love someone when you’re preoccupied with worrying about what others think of you. Whether it be posting pictures on social media, buying homes to compete with others or going on lavish vacations — none of it matters.

5) Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.

We’ve thrown privacy out the window these days.

Nothing is sacred anymore, in fact, it’s splattered all over the Web for the world to see.

Everywhere we go, everything we do — made public. Instead of enjoying the moment, we get lost in cyberspace, trying to figure out the best status update, or the perfect filter.

draft

Something as simple as enjoying breakfast has become a photo shoot. (Photo: File)

Something as simple as enjoying breakfast has become a photo shoot. Vacations are no longer a time to relax, but more a time to post vigorously. You can’t just sit back and soak it all in.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with sharing moments of your life. I do it myself. But where do we draw the line? When does it become too much?

We’ve invited strangers into our homes and brought them on dates with us. We’ve shown them our wardrobe, drove with them in our cars, and we even showed them our bathing suits. Might as well pack them a suitcase, too.

The worst part about all this? It’s only going to get worse.

Immediately, people will assume that my failed marriage is why I am expressing these emotions; that’s not the case. It’s what I see around me every single day that inspired me to write this article.

Marriage is sacred. It is the most beautiful sacrament and has tremendous promise for those fortunate enough to experience it. Divorced or not, I am a believer in true love and building a beautiful life with someone. In fact, it’s been my dream since I was young.

I hope you never experience the demise of your love. It’s painful, and life changing; something nobody should ever feel.

I do fear, however, that the world we live in today has put roadblocks in the way of getting there and living a happy life with someone. Some things are in our control, and unfortunately, others are not.

People can agree or disagree.

I’m perfectly okay with that.

Asbury Park Press

+ H.10. TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND NAMED D.H. and….please talk…just talk

DivorceBuoy Mar 7, 2017

Good evening everyone. Welcome to March 2017.

The main purpose of my post is to write a tribute to a friend named D.H. who committed suicide about one month ago.

A related purpose is my encouragement to ….talk, just talk.

I had know D.H. for about 12 yrs. He was just turning 67 and having a birthday so I invited him to lunch. We had lunch on that Monday and on that following Friday he committed suicide.

To me and the other lunch guests there was not the slightest indication that he was depressed or that anything bothered him. His United States Air Force callsign/nickname was MOUSE. Yes, he was sort of short and he was quiet.

Talk – there is probably a good chance that if he would have told someone of his troubles that he would still be alive today.

Talk, in your marriage – there is probably a good chance that if you elect to talk in your marriage then your marriage will flourish and survive.

? What keeps people from talking in a relationship?

1. one people might feel that it is useless.

2. one person may not be a good listener.

3. one person cannot listen in a loving way without becoming emotional and….maybe one person is not a very good communicator who gets emotional and cannot put words into a loving sentence.

4. one person is done/quits/gives up.

5. one person may be scared of verbal or physical abuse as a result of the dialogue.

? What are the chances that your life might improve if you do talk?

? What is the chance that your life will not improve if you do not talk? There is probably a great chance that your life will not change, or might get worse, if you don’t….try.

So, TALK would ya, and TALK would ya… before it gets to a big deal.

Thanks, D.H., for enriching my life.

Buoy

+ I.1. SEX – yes, let us talk about SEX

DivorceBuoy Mar 7, 2017

Good morning divorcebuoy folks.

Whether you are contemplating divorce or in the divorce process or divorced or maybe divorced because of sex (or lack of it, sex with the wrong partner, etc.) then this post may be for you.

? If you are dating …. when is the right time to have sex?

? If you are dating … how many dates must you have before you have sex?

? If you are dating … at which point does the relationship become committed/exclusive?

? If you are dating … how many people can you date at the same time?

I have been asking various people I know and people that I work with those exact questions and the answers seem to diverge between men and women.

There is a very good online article today that talks about sexual frequency. It was published in the Washington Post under the section of Social Issues and is written by Ms. Tara Bahrampour (March 7, 2017)

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/americans-having-less-sex-than-they-once-did/2017/03/06/e367ce58-0298-11e7-b9fa-ed727b644a0b_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-more-top-stories_lesssex-615a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.ca1181bfe3d1

The conclusion, at the end:

“What you need for a sex life is energy, focus, and time and the right mood,” she said. “If I’ve just run a marathon, is the first thing I want to do have sex? Probably not.”

What are your thoughts on the subject?

Have a great day!!

Hope, Health, Happiness.

Progress, no matter how small, is progress.

Buoy

+ I.2. WHY AREN’T MORE PEOPLE MARRYING? ASK WOMEN WHAT DATING IS LIKE.

DivorceBuoy Nov 2023

An illustration of a woman surrounded by small men.

Sarah Camino had been in a relationship for two years when she found out she was pregnant. The father, whom she met while they were both working at a restaurant in Times Square, was initially excited. But he had been using drugs lately and had been fired from his last four jobs; when she ventured that she was scared she might wind up raising the child alone, he got defensive and walked out. She and her daughter now live in Florida with her parents, and he is not a part of their lives.

Ms. Camino, a beautician and hospitality worker, checks all the boxes of the demographic that has been targeted for advice in recent months by an array of columnists and authors who have argued for the promotion and prioritizing of marriage, sometimes for the sake of overall happiness but more often for the sake of children’s well-being.

She’s a 37-year-old single mother without a college degree. She cares deeply about her child’s happiness and about providing her with a good future. When I asked what she made of the advice to marry, though, she was skeptical. “I don’t think things are perfect like that,” she told me. She had planned to stay with the father, but that’s not how it happened. “I didn’t think he was going to leave me like this,” she said.

Commenters have recently tended to position themselves as iconoclasts speaking hard truths: Two-parent families often result in better outcomes for kids, writes Megan McArdle, in The Washington Post, but “for various reasons,” she goes on, this “is too often left unsaid” — even though policy wonks, and the pundits who trumpet their ideas, have been telling (straight) people to marry for the sake of their children for decades. Brad Wilcox of the Institute for Family Studies, who recently scoffed at “the notion that love, not marriage, makes a family,” has a forthcoming book titled “Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization.” All of these scolds typically rely on the same batch of academic studies, now compiled by economist Melissa Kearney in her new book “The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind,” which show that kids with two parents fare better on a variety of life outcomes than those raised by single parents, who are overwhelmingly women.

This may well be true. But harping on people to marry from high up in the ivory tower fails to engage with the reality on the ground that heterosexual women from many walks of life confront: that is, the state of men today. Having written about gender, dating and reproduction for years, I’m struck by how blithely these admonitions to marry skate over people’s experience. A more granular look at what the reality of dating looks and feels like for straight women can go a long way toward explaining why marriage rates are lower than policy scholars would prefer.

On the rare occasions that women are actually asked about their experiences with relationships, the answers are rarely what anyone wants to hear. In the late 1990s, the sociologists Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas interviewed 162 low-income single mothers in Camden, N.J., and Philadelphia to understand why they had children without being married. “Money is seldom the primary reason” mothers say they are no longer with their children’s fathers. Instead, mothers point to far more serious offenses, Dr. Edin and Dr. Kefalas, write. “It is the drug and alcohol abuse, the criminal behavior and consequent incarceration, the repeated infidelity and the patterns of intimate violence that are the villains looming largest in poor mothers’ accounts of relational failure.”

But it doesn’t take behavior this harmful to discourage marriage; often, simple compatibility or constancy can be elusive. Ms. Camino, for her part, has dabbled in dating since her partner left but hasn’t yet met anyone who shares her values, someone who is funny and — she hesitates to use the word “feminist” — won’t just roll his eyes and say something about being on her period whenever she voices an opinion. The last person she went out with ghosted her, disappearing without warning after four months of dating. “There are women that are just out here trying, and the men aren’t ready,” she told me. “They don’t care, most of them.” Who, exactly, is Ms. Camino supposed to marry?

For as long as people have been promoting marriage, they have also been observing that a good man is hard to find (see: William Julius Wilson or early Nora Ephron). But what was once dismissed as the complaint of picky women is now supported by a raft of data. The same pundits plugging marriage also bemoan the crisis among men and boys, what has come to be known as male drift — men turning away from college, dropping out of the work force or failing to look after their health. Ms. Kearney, for example, acknowledges that improving men’s economic position, especially men without college degrees, is an important step toward making them more attractive partners.

But even this nod ignores the qualitative aspect of the dating experience — the part that’s hard to cover in surveys or address with policy. Daniel Cox, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute who recently surveyed more than 5,000 Americans about dating and relationships, found that nearly half of college-educated women said they were single because they had trouble finding someone who meets their expectations, versus one-third of men. The in-depth interviews, he said, “were even more dispiriting.” For a variety of reasons — mixed messages from the broader culture about toughness and vulnerability, the activity-oriented nature of male friendships — it seems that by the time men begin dating, they are relatively “limited in their ability and willingness to be fully emotionally present and available,” he said.

Navigating interpersonal relationships in a time of evolving gender norms and expectations “requires a level of emotional sensitivity that I think some men probably just lack, or they don’t have the experience,” he added. He had recently read about a high school creative writing assignment in which boys and girls were asked to imagine a day from the perspective of the opposite sex. While girls wrote detailed essays showing they had already spent significant time thinking about the subject, many boys simply refused to do the exercise or did so resentfully. Mr. Cox likened that to heterosexual relationships today: “The girls do extra, and the boys do little or nothing.”

Marriage proponents often contrast the stable relationship patterns of the college educated with the instability of the less educated, but a bachelor’s degree is hardly a guarantee of a ring. The Yale anthropologist Marcia Inhorn’s recent book “Motherhood on Ice: The Mating Gap and Why Women Freeze Their Eggs,” argues that educated women freeze their eggs because they’re unable to find a suitable male partner: She points to a large gap between the number of college-educated women and college-educated men during their reproductive years — on the order of several million.

But Ms. Inhorn’s book goes beyond these quantitative mismatches to document the qualitative experience of women who are actively searching for partners — the frustration, hurt and disappointment. “Almost without exception,” she writes, “women in this study were ‘trying hard’ to find a loving partner,” mostly through dating sites and apps. Women in their late 30s reported online ageism, others described removing their Ph.D. from their profiles so as not to intimidate potential dates, and still others found that men were often commitment averse.

The behaviors were ubiquitous enough that Ms. Inhorn compiled a sort of taxonomy of cads, such as the “alpha males” who “want to be challenged by work, not by their partners” or the “polyamorous men” who claim “that their multiple attachments to women are all ‘committed.’” Her breakdown — Table 1.1 in the book — reads like a rigorous academic version of all the complaints you’ve ever heard from your single female friends.

One of these friends, with whom I went to college, would like nothing more than to be married. She’s beautiful and successful and not, as far as I can tell, overly picky. She has had long-term relationships and cherishes the intimacy and stability they provide. To that end, she keeps a Post-it note on a bulletin board. On it, she has drawn out 10 lines of 10 circles each. Every time she goes on a date with someone new, she fills in a circle. She’s committed to going on at least a hundred dates as she searches for a male partner with whom she can have a family. In two years, she’s filled in nearly half of the circles, and she’s still single. It’s like an SAT form on which every answer is incorrect. When she asks her male friends to set her up with their friends, they consistently tell her that no one they know would be good enough for her. “It’s like, how bad are you guys?” she marvels.

To be sure, many men are fantastic people and partners, and I’m sure many women are loathsome, creepy or otherwise disrespectful. Many of us know these terrific men — they’re our friends, our relatives, our colleagues — and would love to meet someone similar. Relationships are an important part of life; companionship is lovely and a natural human desire. But rather than chiding people (mostly women, mostly single moms) to marry for the children, how about a little empathy that we’re living through a juncture where various forces at play have made meaningful companionship hard to find?

There are policy solutions that can help everyone: family allowances to curb child poverty, child care to support working and single parents, retraining out-of-work men, higher-ed reform for people who want to attend college but can’t afford the cost. In the process, these policies might encourage marriage by providing economic stability. But to truly address the decline in heterosexual marriage, we must attend to the details — to acknowledge the qualitative aspects of relationship formation. And, in particular, we should listen to the experiences of women who are attempting to find partners. We should care about the interior lives, not just the educational attainment or the employment status, of the men who could be those partners.

All of this is a much trickier proposition, with no clear policy solution in sight. It requires taking the stories of single women seriously and not treating them as punchlines — something for which there is little historical precedent but which a handful of scholars are slowly beginning to do. But unless we pay attention to the granular experiences of people in the dating trenches, simply advising people to marry is not only, frankly, obnoxious for the many women out there trying; it’s also just not going to work.

+ I.3. WHY, AND HOW, TO BREAK UP WITH OLD FRIENDS

DivorceBuoy Nov 2023

Why, and How, to Break Up With Old Friends

As people get older, they want to spend time with the people who add the most to their lives. But deciding which friendships to leave is complicated.

When my mother was in her late 50s, I walked in to see her crying. Her best friend had just told her that after 30 years of celebrating the new year as couples, she and her husband wanted to do something different—with other people.

I felt for my mother but wasn’t surprised. My parents were cemented into old attitudes, tastes and relationships, while their friends had grown in their outlook and friendship needs.

My parents were, in fact, outliers in holding tight to all of their friends. Most older people actively prune their social networks, according to Stanford University psychologist Laura Carstensen. People cutting less-appealing relationships is, in fact, more common than losing them to death or illness, she says.

When people become more aware of having limited time left, as seniors generally do, Carstensen says, they want to spend that time with people and things they find meaningful and rewarding. This tends to lead to a greater sense of well-being.

But however beneficial a winnowing of friendships can be, sometimes it isn’t easy to figure out whom to cut—and how to do it right. “It’s hard,“ says psychotherapist Jill Whitney in Old Lyme, Conn. “We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. Some people will stay in friendships years after they’ve been miserable, and that’s not good.”

Relationships are complicated. Maybe you’re conflicted. Maybe you want out but don’t know how to go about it. Here are some suggestions for sorting out your feelings and acting on them.

Evaluate your friendships

“Think about your needs and your desires at this time,” says family therapist Marlene Watson of the Ackerman Institute for the Family, based in New York City. “Which people can you count on in an emergency? Which are you willing to be giving to and with what limits?” Other questions to consider: How do you feel when you’re with them and after? More energized and connected—or less? How old and deep is the friendship? If they knew you as a child and knew your parents, your relationship may be meaningful despite ho-hum chats.

Ask yourself what you may ‘owe’ someone

Suppose you enjoy someone less than you used to, but that person was really there for you when you needed it. How should you act to feel good about yourself?

Psychotherapist Sharon O’Neill in Ridgefield, Conn., has an older friend who once helped her through a difficult time. Visiting her in her assisted-living center is harder now both because of the distance and her friend’s growing dementia. O’Neill visits her less now, but says, “I will never not visit her until she dies.” She says it would be hard to forgive herself if she didn’t visit.

Tova Rubin, a psychologist in Potomac, Md., agrees that for certain people we are willing to do more, and we do things that aren’t fun. But some people also can find themselves getting pulled into excessive caregiving in ways that they don’t really want. Rubin suggests that you keep what you give manageable. “You can’t let it take over your life,” she says.

Have the hard talk

“Too often people let go of friendships instead of having an honest, courageous conversation,” says Watson. Say you have a friend with whom you once had wide-ranging conversations, but now that person only wants to talk about health complaints and adorable grandchildren.

When conversations become one-sided, it can be unpleasant even for old friends. Telling such a friend how much you value your relationship and what you feel you’re missing is risky, but it may rescue a worthwhile relationship.

Ask yourself whether seeing friends decline makes you avoid them

When you see friends decline, you might react: This could happen to me! That is true, and it can be frightening. But keeping them at a distance isn’t going to change that. What can help, Rubin says, is to lean into your fear. Think about how you would want to be treated if that were you. ”That creates empathy and compassion,” she says. “It could help us overcome our natural aversion.”

If a couple or group is too difficult, zero in on the person you value

There are some pals we’ve always seen as couples, or maybe three- or foursomes. But problematic dynamics sometimes arise: There is a new wife, or a husband with a dementia-unhinged personality.

If you would like to see someone alone, try to connect in new ways: lunch for two rather than dinner, a drinks tête-à-tête rather than Wednesday night poker. Plead time constraints and feeling a special affection for this friend. You don’t have to criticize anyone, and your friend may understand without explanation.

How to do the deed

The easy way out, some experts say, is to stop initiating. You’re always busy, and you hope he or she will get the idea. If the person doesn’t, however, just avoiding the awkward discussion can prolong the hurt. If you need to address the issues head-on, try to do it in a way that doesn’t blame the person. O’Neill gives this example. An old friend had recently become unpleasantly competitive. She told her that their relationship was no longer good for either of them. “I kept saying both of us,” she says.

Throughout all of this, you need to consider both your own needs and those of the other person. It is hard, but pruning unrewarding—even destructive—friendships from your life will increase your sense of well-being and free you to invest more in people, old or new, who will enrich your life.

+ I.4. WHEN ONE PARTNER WANTS MORE SEX THAN THE OTHER

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

Libido differences are a common part of relationships, sex therapists say. Here’s how to manage.

Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.

“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”

For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.

“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.

“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”

Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.

Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.

When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.

“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”

Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.

“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.

Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenets of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.

Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.

Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.

Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.

What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.

Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.

Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.

“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.

Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.

Be open to the different types of desire.

There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.

“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.

In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?

Seek outside help.

Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.

Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.

Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.

“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”

+ I.5. 10 SUITORS, 6 FIRST KISSES AND STILL SINGLE: IT’S ‘DATING WRAPPED’

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

All those bad dates weren’t for nothing. In honor of year-end wrap-up season, people are sharing insights from a year of drinks, dinners and ghosting

“I am so excited to finally do this trend, ya’ll,” Jada Toledo, 28, said in a recent TikTok. “Let’s get into the

s—show that is my dating life.”

Using notes she’d taken after each date this year, Toledo walked her followers through a presentation about her romantic history. It featured pie charts that broke down where she and her suitors met (mostly through Hinge), their occupations (tech came out on top) and their astrological signs (“Y’all know I’m an astrology girlie”).

“I have biases against some of the sun signs,” said Toledo, an Aquarius who lives in New Jersey and works in finance. “I used to not like Pisces at all.” Yet this year, the Pisces man she met was among her best dates.

It’s “Dating Wrapped” season, where “quantified self” meets the culture of year-end wrap-ups. Singles are gleaning insights from their year of drinks, dinners, awkward small talk and ghosting, culled from notes kept over the course of 2023. Bringing new meaning to the idea that dating is a numbers game, they’ve done the math on everything from money spent to first kisses to the number of times they cried. And they’re posting their findings on TikTok videos garnering millions of views, sharing in each other’s misery over the state of modern dating.
It’s “Dating Wrapped” season, where “quantified self” meets the culture of year-end wrap-ups. Singles are gleaning insights from their year of drinks, dinners, awkward small talk and ghosting, culled from notes kept over the course of 2023. Bringing new meaning to the idea that dating is a numbers game, they’ve done the math on everything from money spent to first kisses to the number of times they cried. And they’re posting their findings on TikTok videos garnering millions of views, sharing in each other’s misery over the state of modern dating.

Inspired by Spotify’s buzzy year-end wrap-ups, these singles are compiling their dating recaps into presentations with statistics and pie-charts illustrating date activities, how dates ended and who paid. #DatingWrapped2023 has racked up more than 13 million views to date, while #DatingWrapped has more than 100 million views.

Though companies such as streamer Hulu and running-app Strava offer their users personalized year-end data, dating behavior isn’t as easily tracked. Hinge Wrapped, a tool created by Montreal-based software engineer Niko Draca in 2021, helps translate personal data that users can request from the dating app into readable charts.

Or you could do the work manually, as many of those taking part in this TikTok trend have. They used records they’ve kept in Apple’s Notes app, Google Calendar, voice memos and bank statements to create their own wrap-up presentations.

“Time for some spice,” said Tasha Farsaci, 26, in a TikTok video where she shared her Dating Wrapped presentation. “How many first kisses?” The next slide featured six kiss-mark emojis.

Farsaci, who lives in Los Angeles and works in marketing, said her post-date ritual in 2023 included typing out the name, age, height, job and where she met someone into her Notes app. She was already in the habit of sending voice messages to her friends after every date, recapping the highs and lows. But this year, Farsaci started recording the reviews to keep for her personal records.

Zakir Siddiqui, 28, is a naturally organized person—the kind who keeps all of his appointments in Google Calendar. It was easy for him to find out how many dates he went on and how much money he spent.

“I went on—I kid you not—69 f—ing dates this year,” he said, sharing his Dating Wrapped presentation in a recent TikTok. “Am I proud of it? I don’t even know, to be quite honest with you.”

The next slide showed his average spending on dates: $81.76.

“I don’t know if that’s too much or too little to be spending,” said Siddiqui, a project manager based in the San Francisco Bay Area, who said he made the calculation using bank statements. Some commenters on his videos have estimated the total he’s spent on dates this year—a number Siddiqui said he tries not to think about.

Last year, TikToker Alexandria McLean went viral for her dating wrap-up. “I went on 21 first dates. Yikes,” McLean, now 28, said in her 2022 TikTok. She put it together because she thought it would be fun to spoof Spotify Wrapped with a Dating Wrapped, using information she’d already been collecting about her dating life.

“My dating life was so devastatingly tragic last year that I accidentally started a TikTok trend which led to me getting interviewed by Ryan Seacrest,” McLean began her 2023 Dating Wrapped TikTok installment.

McLean, who is based in Toronto and works in creator marketing for a broadcast company, said she posted the original video in the hopes of helping others feel less alone. “So many of us are dating, and it’s honestly depressing sometimes. I took a very comedic approach to it,” said Her video resonated so widely that people including comedian Amelia Dimoldenberg shared spoofs.

Armed with year-over-year comparisons, McLean went on 10 dates, a 52% decrease. Fifty-percent came from Hinge, 20% from Bumble, 20% in-person and one she met through TikTok. She cried over zero people this year, down from two the year prior. She is now in a relationship.

“If the girl who went viral last year for her pathetic dating life found love, you can too,” she said in the new video.

+ I.6. LONELINESS IS JUST BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH – IT’S DEADLY

People who report often feeling lonely or being socially isolated are at an increased risk of death from any cause, new research suggests.

If you think canceling plans is always good self-care, you might want to think again. People who keep an active social calendar not only enjoy a better quality of life—they could also stave off an early trip to the grave.

Loneliness and social isolation were linked to an increased risk of death from any cause, according to new research. That includes missing out on seeing loved ones, not having weekly group activities like a book club, or just often feeling lonely.

“Just like we need to make time in our busy lives to be physically active, we need to make time in our busy lives to be socially active,” said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, director of the Social Connection & Health Lab at Brigham Young University, who wasn’t involved in the report.

A combination of several loneliness factors could be even more harmful, the data suggested. For example, having few family and friend visits was riskier when the person also lived alone.

The study, published Thursday in the medical journal BMC Medicine, tracked people for more than a decade and collected loneliness data before the Covid-19 pandemic. It adds to increasing evidence that loneliness can be bad for our health, contributing to health problems including anxiety, heart disease and dementia.

“It is hard to think of a health condition that is not impacted by loneliness,” said Dr. Carla Perissinotto, a geriatrician and palliative care physician at the University of California, San Francisco, who wasn’t involved in the most recent study.

Americans are now spending more time alone and less time socializing in-person, compared with two decades ago, a trend that started taking hold even before the Covid-19 pandemic. A 2023 Gallup poll found that 17% of U.S. adults—and nearly a quarter of adults under the age of 30—reported feeling a significant amount of loneliness the day before they took the survey.

Health officials are taking notice. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy put out an advisory report on loneliness and social isolation in May, citing research that suggests that lacking social connection could be as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

In the new paper, researchers at the University of Glasgow analyzed data from more than 450,000 participants in the U.K. Biobank database. The participants, ages 38 to 73, answered questions about their social connectedness. After around 12½ years, some 33,000 had died, including more than 5,000 from cardiovascular disease.

The researchers looked at five measures for loneliness and isolation: often feeling lonely, not being able to confide in a close companion, living alone, how often people visit with friends and family, and weekly group activities. All of them had an impact.

“When we’re asking people how socially connected or isolated they are, we need to ask more than one question,” said Jason Gill, one of the paper’s authors and a professor of cardiometabolic health at the University of Glasgow.

The strongest link was for people who were never visited by family and friends, which was associated with a 39% increase in risk of death during the study period compared with those with daily visits. Those who had at least monthly friend and family visits had a lower risk of dying, the researchers said, but seeing them more often didn’t appear to add an additional benefit.

“There is potentially a protective effect around monthly friends and family visits,” said Dr. Hamish Foster, the study’s lead author and a clinical research fellow at the University of Glasgow.

Some benefits of social connection are practical, such as having someone to pick up medications or take you to and from doctor’s appointments. But the consequences of loneliness cut deeper. Chronic feelings of loneliness can also hurt a person’s sleep and are linked to bodily inflammation, which can contribute to a range of diseases.

“This uncomfortable, distressful feeling of being lonely over time has a negative effect,” said Antonio Terracciano, a professor in geriatrics at Florida State University College of Medicine, who wasn’t involved with the study. “You are in a state of stress, and over time this can increase vulnerability to disease.”

In a separate study, Terracciano and his colleagues analyzed data from some 490,000 U.K. Biobank participants and found that loneliness was connected to an increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The results were published in the journal JAMA Neurology in October. Their earlier work also connected loneliness to a heightened risk of dementia.

Other research has implicated loneliness in increased risk for higher blood pressure, stroke and depression. One study even found that adults living alonemight be at an increased risk of dying from cancer, while another suggested that loneliness could increase the risk of death for cancer survivors.

People can have different preferences for how they want to socialize, researchers said. And the number of social connections someone has isn’t always an end goal in itself; the quality of those relationships matters.

“Is it someone that is going to be there even if nothing is needed, will sit with you, and you can be comfortable because you have complete trust in them?” said Louise Hawkley, a health and loneliness researcher at NORC at the University of Chicago who wasn’t involved in the study. “That is a perception that makes such a difference.”

+ I.7. BAD DATES TURN OUT TO BE EXCELLENT ON TIKTOK

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

Bad Dates Turn Out to Be Excellent on TikTok

In a corner of the platform sometimes known as #DatingTok, young women find comfort and cachet by turning dating mishaps into viral content.

In December, Rachel Wilson was 45 seconds into a first date at a Buffalo wings restaurant, she said, when her suitor left to move his car and never returned. He sent a text from the getaway vehicle: “sorry just wasn’t feeling it :(.”

Stunned, she deleted his number and went home. Then she cracked a hard seltzer, opened her phone’s camera and filmed a TikTok video recounting the evening — starting from the point when her friend persuaded her to go and ending with a joking plea that men at least finish the date before ghosting.

“You said if the date ended badly I could use it for content,” Ms. Wilson reminds her friend, who is off camera.

The video accrued tens of thousands of views overnight. Four days later, inspired to keep the ball rolling, she made another about the same date. It’s since been viewed 4.2 million times. (Her other videos, which are often about dating but also incorporate her hair routine, her cats and her friends, typically have much smaller viewership.)

“I feel like that video blowing up was my little reward,” Ms. Wilson, 28, said in a phone interview.

Rewards are hard to come by in the realm of online dating. It can be an exhausting pursuit with no guarantee of success. But in a corner of TikTok known occasionally as #DatingTok, niche content creators can reach potentially millions of viewers by divulging details about their dating lives — especially the pitfalls. This TikTok fare usually includes bits of sardonic commentary on the state of dating apps as well as earnest chronicles of breakups and healing. A mid-20s male is typically the villain.

For the young women who make these videos — and they’re usually young women — the prospect of going viral offers a small form of retribution, and comfort.

“That’s the allure of social media, right?” said Ms. Wilson, a student in North Carolina. “Those tasty little dopamine hits you get when people talk to you on the internet.”

Some creators have leveraged the content into sizable followings and sponsorships.

“It did start with a heartbreak,” said Mariah Grippo, 29, over the phone as she drove to the office in New Jersey where she works as a brand director for a small jewelry company.

Ms. Grippo began posting on TikTok at the end of 2021 after the abrupt ending of an almost-relationship, and the videos performed better than she expected. She made a deal with herself — post at least twice a day to draw a following — and it worked. Today she has more than 100,000 followers, a vast majority of whom are women, she said, and she now teams up with companies like Tinder. “I’m just a hurt person,” Ms. Grippo said. She said she filmed her videos from bed and shared the kind of relatable experiences “girls want to hear.”

#DatingTok began attracting more attention in late 2021 and early 2022, around the time the internet became acquainted with West Elm Caleb, a man whose Hinge profile has been etched into many single, 20-something women’s memories (and on the side of a building in New York in a fake ad, courtesy of a dating app, for a time).

In January 2021, Mimi Shou, a jewelry designer and content creator, posted a TikTok video about her travails involving a man named Caleb, who she said never reached out after, by her definition, a great first date. Women flocked to the comments section, sharing their own horror stories of “love-bombing” and ghosting at the thumbs of a man named Caleb who said he worked at West Elm.

Though Ms. Shou’s story was about a different Caleb, whose identity she never made public — and though she said her goal was not to retaliate against him — the tale set off a wave of viral videos, highlighting the idea that TikTok could be a forum for righting dating wrongs.

Ms. Shou, 28, said she had also been inspired by the subsequent West Elm Caleb, and in addition to her usual comedic bits, some of which involve poking fun at the finance bro archetype and her misguided attraction to it, she decided to dig a little deeper. “I realized people want to discuss the hurt they’ve had and make sure they’re not alone,” she said. “So I started talking more about dating advice and my own experiences.” She now has more than a dozen brand partnerships, she said, and considers content creation her full-time job.

On #DatingTok, where, in the app’s parlance, “main characters” rule and videos are “story times,” weaving a compelling tale — sometimes over several episodes — is crucial.

“So I just went on a second date with a guy, and he got me flowers,” Mackenzie Duffy, a creator in Florida with a modest following, told viewers in January. She talks briefly about their park picnic and then inserts a cliffhanger: “I’m going to stitch this when we’re either in a relationship or he absolutely obliterates my self-esteem.” (Stitch is a creation tool that allows users to add new content to an existing video.)

Spoiler alert: Five dates later, he ghosts her, behaving “like a child,” she says in the update video. Over the next week, the TikTok reached hundreds of thousands of people, far more than her normal viewership of about 1,000.

Ms. Duffy, 25, began regularly sharing about dating and mental health on TikTok in 2021 on the heels of a breakup, as a form of catharsis and with the hope of building a community. Her second-date video was originally intended to be optimistic. “I felt hopeful in a way that I hadn’t for a long time,” she said.

So, things didn’t go as planned. But the updated video allowed her to recast herself in the narrative of her life. Unlike the West Elm Caleb saga, many of these stories feature a female lead, and while their heartbreakers may be characters too, they’re usually unnamed. “I don’t want anyone to know that it’s like, Joe from Tampa who’s breaking my heart,” Ms. Duffy said. “This is about me.”

Still, some creators hope men are listening, and heed what may be an implicit warning in many of these videos.

“Men are aware right now that they could get thrown to filth on the internet and completely shaded by anybody they date,” Ms. Grippo said. “It might cause them to be more alert in their actions, maybe a bit more intentional.”

Both she and Ms. Duffy have dated men who have told them that they tune into their content.

“Whenever they say, ‘hey, I saw your TikTok,’ I say, ‘well, are you going to learn anything from it?’” Ms. Duffy said.

Ms. Shou, who said she had noticed male viewers among her audience, posted a video in May providing an example of a respectful breakup text.

These TikTok users are aware that one viral video is not going to fix the discontents of online dating; nor will it necessarily catapult a TikTok career (and not everyone has aspirations to pursue the life of an influencer, either). But there may be value in videos going viral, outside of making money and an opportunity to scold ghosters.

Ms. Wilson, who recently went on another first date, said her new supporters had made it feel worthwhile to share the story of the 45-second date — “the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever posted to TikTok.”

People wanted to hear how the new date went, she said. “And that just makes me feel warm and fuzzy.”

+ I.8. IN THE DATING WORLD, CRAFTING THE PERFECT MESSAGE IS IT’S OWN ART FORM

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

Relationship coaches are now helping single people navigate texting.

Shortly after Abby Norton met someone she liked on Hinge last July, the 24-year-old editor went on a two-week trip abroad. Given the different time zones, she and her potential suitor struggled to establish a texting routine while she was away, although on average there were a few texts per day.

Once Ms. Norton returned to Minneapolis, where she lives, the two hung out in person, but the texting still felt unsatisfying, remaining at “a couple of times a day, despite being back in the same time zone.”

This left Ms. Norton with a lot of anxiety. “It came to a boiling point one night when I found myself crying” after not hearing from him for “a day or two” — mainly, she said, because “it occurred to me that I probably had internal issues to work through that had brought me to this point of insecurity and anxiety.”

So she decided to enlist the help of a professional in the newly emerging field of text-specific dating courses. She took a class called Texting Communication Cure Crash Course offered by licensed therapist and dating coach Kelsey Wonderlin, who is based in Nashville.

Ms. Wonderlin, who had been offering dating courses since fall 2021 but began catering specifically to texting issues starting in September, is one of the multiple dating coaches attempting to provide clients with the written communication skills necessary to take matches offline and into the real world — and then keep them going. Among the questions they attempt to help their clients answer: What’s a great first message to send on a dating app? How do you flirt in a way that’s not too creepy? What if they simply don’t respond?

With almost 180,000 Instagram followers, Blaine Anderson, a dating coach in Austin, Texas, has always found that her videos about texting have been a hit with her mostly male audience. This, in addition to her personal experiences receiving weird or too many messages on dating apps, inspired her to launch a course called Texting Operating System in August, “to eliminate guys’ stress and anxiety from communicating with women via messages or text,” Ms. Anderson, 33, said.

According to Damona Hoffman, a dating coach based in Los Angeles and New York and a host of the Dates & Mates Podcast, many people get stuck in what she calls “textationships.” Texting has become its own phase of dating, she said, and her program, “The Dating Accelerator ,” which costs $1,297 and combines live coaching sessions and video lessons, teaches people how to avoid it.

Despite the widespread use of dating apps, experts like Ms. Hoffman, Ms. Wonderlin, and Ms. Anderson believe that our society as a whole still significantly lacks digital communication skills. The reason, according to Ms. Wonderlin, is that there isn’t one place where people can go to learn how to start and maintain a healthy relationship. Instead, many are forced to figure things out on their own.

After all, texting is still a relatively new communication medium. “Our brains aren’t wired to think in” 100-plus character messages, Ms. Anderson said. While texting is convenient, it lacks the texture and depth of in-person conversations. “Distilling our complex and nuanced feelings into crisp S.M.S. messages is hard, which makes it easy to inadvertently say the wrong thing.”

Ms. Hoffman said it’s not surprising people are struggling. While many people love texting for speed and efficiency, there’s a lot of room for misinterpretation. And asking friends for advice can also open up a can of worms. Though one friend might tell you to delay a response so you don’t seem too eager, another may encourage you to double text someone to show you’re interested. Confusion ensues.

“Healthy communication education has always been missing,” Ms. Wonderlin said, “but because most people meet online these days and begin messaging and texting back and forth immediately, texting has become the medium for how people form their communication patterns in a new relationship.” And because so many people prefer to communicate over text rather than talking by phone before they meet, “it’s important to set the tone early for reciprocal, healthy communication.”

Ms. Anderson’s two-hour video course costs $149 and is divided into seven modules that cover common dating scenarios, from taking a conversation offline to landing a second date. The course mainly focuses on the psychology behind different messages and provides texting templates.

Ms. Wonderlin’s video course, which costs $333, takes students through five modules. It starts by addressing the importance of creating healthy communication early on in a relationship then covers different types of texters — The Dry Texter, The Animated Texter, The Compulsive Texter, The Absent-Minded Texter — and helps students understand what’s a red flag and what is someone’s particular texting style.

The course then teaches participants how to prevent a spiral when someone sends a one-word response or doesn’t respond right away.

Dan Leader, a 36-year-old engineering manager in Detroit, signed up for Ms. Anderson’s class in December “because I wasn’t turning many matches into dates and when I was getting dates, they weren’t leading to second dates,” he said.

Since taking the course, “I text now with purpose and intention,” he said. “I ask questions to get to know the person and so they can get to know me. Then I make a clear plan to set a date at an appropriate time. I no longer feel the need to keep the conversation going with small talk.”

Though single people are generally taught that to be desirable you should be coy, disinterested or play hard to get, courses like Ms. Wonderlin’s have given participants like Ms. Norton and Laura Matson, a physical therapist in Seattle, the confidence to admit when they need more communication from someone they are dating.

“Instead of overthinking and becoming anxious,” Ms. Matson, 36, said she was coached to put the phone down and do calming activities before returning to the situation.

Additionally, clients are advised to resist overanalyzing and accept that there’s really no way to know why they aren’t responding. “Instead, challenge any assumptions and consider talking to them about it,” Ms. Wonderlin said. “Or walking if this is a pattern and isn’t working for you.”

+ I.9. WHAT IS A ‘BEIGE FLAG’?

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

On TikTok, the term is being used to describe romantic partners’ weird habits that are less than a deal breaker, but not exactly a plus, either.

To sort through the chaos of modern dating, some taxonomically minded singles apply a color-coded system to potential partners. Red flags are behaviors to avoid (deceit, poor dental hygiene). Green flags are go-ahead signs (honesty, owning floss).

So what is a beige flag?

According to the TikTok users who have latched on to the term in the past month, a beige flag is an odd trait in a romantic prospect that is not quite a deal breaker, but not exactly a plus, either.

Dunking Oreos in water instead of milk is a beige flag. So is turning on caps lock to type the first letter of every sentence, or maintaining a Lego obsession into adulthood, or being afraid of astronauts.

Benign but baffling, they are the kinds of things that might come up in a gentle roast. As one user put it, a beige flag makes a potential partner or a partner pause and say “Huh?” for a few seconds before carrying on with the relationship.

“Everyone has their beige flags,” said Marisa Bertani, 29, an actor in Los Angeles. For example, her girlfriend of over a year moves her couch to a different spot in her apartment roughly every two weeks. Ms. Bertani said she did not mind the habit, but she did not understand it, either. “I’ve never met anyone in my life that can think of so many ways to rearrange a living room,” she said.

She posted a video about her partner’s quirks on TikTok, where the hashtag #beigeflag has more than half a billion views. The videos, which are often set to a schmaltzy saxophone soundtrack, function as a kind of humblebrag: They appear self-effacing while still serving as a flex of the poster’s relationship status.

Beige flags are just as subjective as the other ingredients in compatibility soup, said Kimberly Moffit, a therapist in Toronto who specializes in dating and relationships. What is adorable to one person will almost certainly be repellent to someone else, she added.

That beige flags are debatable may have helped the term take off on TikTok, a platform that prioritizes engagement. Many of the videos are accompanied by heated comment sections, some of them tens of thousands of messages long, in which viewers weigh in on just how peeved they would be by the trait in question.

Kallie Fockler, 19, a barista in eastern Ohio, watched one video in which a woman describes her boyfriend’s habit of eating live ants he finds crawling around his house as a beige flag. “To me? Total red flag,” Ms. Fockler said. (Many commenters agreed, although eating insects is common in many cultures outside the United States.)

Ms. Fockler posted a similar video about her own boyfriend, who struggles to remember plans but can retain a seemingly unlimited number of facts about sharks. Ms. Fockler is charmed by his encyclopedic knowledge of fin shapes, but some commenters on her video were not.

“I’ll take the sharks,” she said, “as long as you’re not eating ants.”

The newest shade of flag has entered a sprawling lexicon of dating terms that is expanding as more people discuss their love lives online. Definitions are in flux: In a video posted on TikTok last year, Caitlin MacPhail described beige flags as things that come across as boring on a dating app profile — like alluding in any way to “The Office.” “If you’re looking for the Pam to your Jim, I’m just going to assume you have no deeper meaning,” she said.

But the term has evolved into something weirder. “My husband’s beige flag is when he acts like he’s going to give me a kiss,” one user wrote in a video posted last month, “but he’s really hiding a whole strawberry in his mouth and then proceeds to push the strawberry into my mouth.”

Lamont White, a dating coach in Atlanta, said it was good for partners to discover each other’s beige flags. In the long term, we need to know if we can stomach a person’s oddities — and vice versa. “Guess what?” he said. “You have beige flags, too.”

Ebony Jasmine Harris, 26, a content creator in Sarasota, Fla., thinks that anyone who denies having a beige flag is lying. Hers is that she refuses to save the phone number of anyone she’s dating. “It is a little confusing,” she admitted. “Sometimes I don’t know who is who until I text the conversation.”

When talk of red flags dominated TikTok, Ms. Harris said, she had started to feel discouraged about the dating scene. Beige flags have ever so slightly brightened her outlook.

“Maybe there’s a little hope,” she said, “that I’ll just end up with somebody weird.”

+ I.10. 6 PODCASTS ABOUT THE PERILS (and JOYS) OF MODERN DATING

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

As you ride the relationship roller coaster, these shows offer useful advice from both experts and fellow daters.

Last year marked the 10th anniversary of Tinder, the swipe-based dating app whose mainstream success completely redefined the rules of romance. The search for a soul mate is always bound to be emotionally fraught, but the digital age has intensified its most brutal aspects, and created an overabundance of options which can lead to more burnout than romantic sparks.

If you’re navigating the bends of the dating roller coaster, these six podcasts will help you to feel less alone, delivering useful advice from both experts and fellow daters, and true stories about the highs and lows of our search for love.

Spending time with a happy couple may not sound like much fun if you’re less fortunate, but the standup comedian Naomi Ekperigin and the writer Andy Beckerman are such a delight that they’ll make you forget your dating woes. “Couples Therapy” (no relation to the TV show of the same name) started out several years ago as a live show in New York, during which Ekperigin and Beckerman shared anecdotes from their relationship onstage alongside a revolving cast of fellow comedians. While early episodes of the podcast featured recorded sets from those live shows, it’s since evolved into a more intimate format. In each episode, they hilariously riff on minutiae from their daily lives together, answer questions from listeners in need of romantic advice and welcome guests like Michelle Buteau, Rachel Bloom and Bowen Yang for candid conversations about relationships, heartbreak and everything in between.

Although it lasted less than two years, this soulful, searching series about digital courtship feels as if it was around much longer. That’s in large part because it shape-shifted midway through its run when its host, Andrea Silenzi, went through a breakup. Opting to use her own situation as “a storytelling device,” Silenzi shares her confusion and heartbreak as she chronicles the indignities (and occasional joys) of app-based dating. Though it sometimes blurs the lines between fact and fiction, “Why Oh Why” is full of on-the-ground dispatches that give it a compelling sense of both time and place — there are focus groups with single Brooklynites in bars, live recordings of first dates and an “end of the world sex” story from the night of Donald Trump’s election.

The Radiotopia podcast network has long been a haven for innovative and highly personal stories, and “The Heart” represents its apogee. Over the course of more than a decade, Kaitlin Prest has used the intimacy of audio to explore and deconstruct love in all its forms, delving into (in the show’s own words) “all of the invisible things in the air between humans.” In addition to the self-contained stories of single episodes, the show contains several multi-episode arcs, like the award-winning “No” series, which dug into the issues of consent and power dynamics. Prest skillfully layers sound upon sound to construct layered sonic landscapes that feel fully immersive.

There’s a plethora of shows hosted by self-proclaimed “dating experts,” enough that the title should be regarded with some caution. But Ilana Dunn, the host of “Seeing Other People” who used to work for the dating app Hinge, doesn’t present herself as an authority. Instead, she approaches the subject with a “we’re all in this together” vibe reminiscent of a wise older sister. New episodes are released twice each week. The Tuesday installments carry interviews with coaches, therapists and other experts. But the Thursday episodes are the heart of the show, featuring candid (and often anonymous) stories from real daters, some of them wild (“He Wasn’t Ghosting Me, He Was in a Coma”) and others touchingly vulnerable.

The Belgian-born psychotherapist Esther Perel has become one of the most famous therapists in the world, celebrated for her influential work on sexuality and relationships. Perel’s rise to prominence is thanks in part to her early move into the podcast space; she started “Where Should We Begin?” in 2017, giving listeners an irresistible fly-on-the-wall perspective into what happens in a real couples-therapy session. Infidelity, one of Perel’s main areas of focus, is a common theme, but her clients’ issues include trauma, sexual incompatibility and opposing communication styles. If listening to an entire session proves too intense, there are also shorter “Esther Calling” episodes, in which Perel makes an unexpected phone call to a listener who’s seeking relationship guidance.

There are plenty of reasons to feel discouraged by the app-based modern dating scene, but were things really so much better in the analog days? That’s one of the many debates explored in this series, which started life when Kim Murstein moved in with her family during quarantine and soon discovered that her grandmother Gail had many opinions about her approach to romance. Brutally honest wisdom is at the core of “Excuse My Grandma,” in which the pair dig into dating topics old and new (from evergreen woes like how to make a long-distance relationship work to more modern phenomena like ghosting and sexting). They also answer questions from listeners and try to find a middle ground between their twentysomething and eightysomething approaches.

PODCASTS
COUPLES THERAPY

WHY OH WHY

THE HEART

SEEING OTHER PEOPLE

WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN

EXCUSE MY GRANDMA

+ J.1. HOW TO FIND LOVE RIGHT NOW, ACCORDING TO 9 DATING COACHES

Divorcebuoy.com Dec 2023

How to Find Love Right Now, According to 9 Dating Coaches

Relationship experts advise going on dates that are more active, using the upside-down smiley-face emoji and not being afraid to make the first move.

In “How to Win a Man,” an essay published in 1903, Cosmopolitan magazine told its readers, “The clever girl does not scintillate with brilliant speeches, overshadowing those around her and making them uncomfortable by comparison.” In a 1958 article titled “129 Ways to Get a Husband,” McCall’s, a now-defunct women’s magazine, advised women to have their “car break down at strategic places” and “read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.” In the 2001 best seller “The Art of Seduction,” the author Robert Greene recommended that those seeking a romantic partner should “use the demonic power of words to sow confusion.”

For more modern and less demonic relationship advice, we asked some of today’s most prominent dating advisers about strategies for finding love in 2023.

Kimberly Moffit, relationship therapist

(TikTok: @ask_kimberly)

Before earning her doctoral degree in psychology, Dr. Moffit, 40, was a member of Untamed, an all-girl teen-pop trio based in Toronto. Now she merges her performance skills with clinical research for her 1.8 million followers on TikTok, where she posts videos like “4 Psychological Hacks to Seem More Attractive.”

“When I started on TikTok, I thought maybe people still want to know how to kiss,” Dr. Moffit said. “I made a video, ‘How to Give a Good Kiss.’ That one did really well. But what was more surprising was when I followed it up with ‘How to Give a Good Hug.’ That video went insanely viral.”

DATING DO: “Equip yourself with an arsenal of tools. Sometimes getting what we want doesn’t come naturally.”

DATING DON’T: “Put all your eggs in one basket.”

RED FLAG: “White lies.”

PICKUP LINE: “Go up to someone at a bookstore and ask if they know where a certain series is.”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “Upside-down smiley. It’s flirty because the person on the other end never knows what it means.”

Lamont White, dating coach, couples counselor

(Instagram: @thegaydatingcoach)

Mr. White, a 42-year-old Atlanta-based matchmaker and relationships counselor for gay and bisexual men, is the founder of Better Way to Meet, a nationwide database of over 5,000 bachelors. His services include mock dates, with Mr. White as a stand-in.

“I give feedback on how they show up,” he said. “People say, ‘Oh, I smiled, and I was polite.’ Well, did you give the guy a compliment, tell him he smells nice? Did you touch him?” To make the best impression, “You want to smell fresh. Smell very, very airy,” he said. “I need you to go home and shower. Wear fresh clothing. If you’ve been at work all day, you smell like work.” He also recommends active dates like indoor rock climbing and ax throwing. “I have some advice for the gays,” Mr. White said in a recent Instagram reel. “Do not take your guy out for dinner. I repeat, kill the dinner date idea!”

DATING DO: “Make the person feel special.”

DATING DON’T: “Lie.”

RED FLAG: “Short tempers.”

PICKUP LINE: “Compliment followed by question: ‘I love those glasses you’re wearing. Where did you get them?’”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “You cannot properly communicate via text.”

Maria Avgitidis, matchmaker

(Instagram: @matchmakermaria)

Ms. Avgitidis, 38, says she has set up more than 5,000 first dates through her matchmaking company, Agape Match, based in New York. “My job is to take off rose-colored glasses and be like, ‘Hello, you’re confused,’” she said, “If you’re still in a situation-ship after three months, he’s wasting your time.”

Ms. Avgitidis describes her business — which derives its name from the Greek word for a selfless, spiritual love — as a decidedly old-school alternative to dating apps. “I set people up for a living just like my grandmother!” is how she describes herself in her Instagram bio. In addition to trying to find matches for her clients, her Dating Refresh Program provides personal styling and professional photography for an optimized online dating profile. On her podcast, Ask a Matchmaker, Ms. Avgitidis offered the ‘Tucci Theory’, which posits that men who appreciate the actor Stanley Tucci are attentive lovers.

DATING DO: “Know the difference between eros love and agape love.”

DATING DON’T: “Fixate on the spark. The purpose of a first date is to go on a second.”

RED FLAG: “They listen to Andrew Tate.”

PICKUP LINE: “Hi. What’s your name?”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “The face that melts.”

Anna Kai, dating influencer

(TikTok: @maybebothstyles)

Ms. Kai, 32, calls herself “a failure turned influencer.” What does that mean, exactly? “I make a living talking about my failed relationships on the internet,” she said. Ms. Kai posts videos in the “Get Ready With Me” genre, dishing out tough-love relationship advice and tells her own heartbreak stories while applying makeup.

In one video, Ms. Kai talked about an ex (“let’s call him Chad”) who worked in finance and spoke in dreamy aphorisms such as, “Life isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being real.” He also drank a nightly bottle of Malbec and smoked cigarettes, because, deep down, he hated his life, Ms. Kai continued.

While painting lash glue onto the roots of her false eyelashes, she explained that she “wasn’t dating the reality of Chad” but a “fantasy of Chad.” In the end, one of his sayings stuck with her: “Life really isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being real — with yourself,” Ms. Kai said, before slamming a tube of liquid lipstick down on the table and walking off-camera.

DATING DO: “Trust who makes you feel comfortable. You might not know if you love someone right away but you know who makes you feel at home.”

DATING DON’T: “Question your intuition. If someone makes you feel weird, they’re the wrong person.”

RED FLAG: “Bad tippers. If you can sit at a bar and drink an $18 cocktail, you can tip 20 percent.”

PICKUP LINE: “Do your research. My husband’s bio on Bumble was ‘condiment lover.’ So I asked about his favorite condiment. We have a lot of hot sauce in our fridge now.”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “Use the poop emoji and see what happens.”

Anthony Recenello, social skills coach

(YouTube: @AnthonyRecenello)

Mr. Recenello, 38, is a student of charm — who has it, and how it works — and he breaks it down in his YouTube videos like “5 Attractive Habits Taylor Swift Uses on Everyone She Meets.” “I like when things are really fully laid out and broken down,” he said in an interview. For the last 15 years, Mr. Recenello, who lives in Los Angeles, has been relaying his findings to private clients, YouTube viewers and students of his online courses (like Textual Healing). In the book “Dating for Introverts,” he cites three qualities that make a person attractive: presence, purpose and health.

DATING DO: “Figure out who you are, who you like, and where they are.”

DATING DON’T: “Hit on people. Just go into communities of like-minded individuals and make friends.”

RED FLAG: “Negativity on a first date. Also, neediness. Neediness is about taking; love is about giving.”

PICKUP LINE: “It’s not the first thing you say. It’s about 10 to 30 seconds into the conversation, and it’s this: Introduce yourself. When you introduce yourself, you’re saying, ‘This conversation is about you and me.’”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “Head-exploding boar.”

Daphney Poyser, matchmaker

(Instagram: @fernconnections)

Peak pandemic, Daphney Poyser, 59, hired a matchmaker. It did not work out. “They took my money and never gave me anything,” she said. The experience left her disappointed with the industry at large. “It was unfortunate when I realized not everyone works with trans people, or pansexual and bisexual people, or gender fluid,” she said. So, in 2020, Ms. Poyser founded Fern Connections, a L.G.B.T.Q.I.A. matchmaking company in Dallas. “One of the unique things I do is lay a foundation,” she said. “Say a client has H.I.V. I tell their match upfront: ‘This is the situation.’ They have to be accepting or it’s not a match. Same thing if a person is trans. No one should worry about telling their story and thinking they might be rejected because of that.”

Her matchmaking services include compatibility interviews with questions like, “What brings you joy on a daily basis?” In coaching sessions, Ms. Poyser gives practical advice, like her 30-day rule: “We all have things going on — entanglements with other people — we’re sending flirty pictures and text messages,” she said. “When you start a new relationship, people need time to clean all that up. Give them 30 days to get it together.”

DATING DO: “Go with the flow and have fun.”

DATING DON’T: “Be guarded.”

RED FLAG: “People not showing up as they say they will.”

PICKUP LINE: “How are you doing?”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “I’m all about the wink. Do it in person, too.”

Megan Weks, online dating coach

(Instagram: @themanfunnel)

When Ms. Weks, 43, worked in telecommunications sales, her boss would throw a notebook on the conference table with a drawing of a funnel. Employees had to write names of prospective clients inside the funnel. “Only 20 percent of your leads are going to close,” her boss would say. Years later, Ms. Weks applied the funnel idea to her dating life. “If you’re not having luck out there, it’s not that you’re not lovable,” she said from her home on Long Island. “It’s that your process isn’t streamlined.” Her so-called Manfunnel Method is about not getting stuck on the 98 percent of online dating matches that are doomed from the start. “I see women get attached very early and spend years in these imaginary relationships,” Ms. Weks said. “In The Manfunnel, you focus on people who are focusing on you.” Her approach, which is geared toward straight women, includes searching for dates on LinkedIn or sifting through the Facebook friends of attractive married men.

DATING DO: “Let rejection roll off your back.”

DATING DON’T: “Something I call ‘lay and pray’ is the biggest mistake women are making. They have sex on the first date, then just hope it’ll work out on the back end.”

RED FLAG: “Pet names.”

PICKUP LINE: “I admire that you _______.”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “Emojis are cheesy and cartoony. I’m against kissy face and hearts. Use semicolon and parenthesis for a smiling wink. Nothing over the top. BlackBerry Messenger, baby.”

Thomas Edwards, “professional wingman”

(Twitter: @ThomasHEdwards)

Mr. Edwards, 37, is notably relaxed. In a blog post titled “How to Become the Most Chill Person on the Planet,” he proposes that cultivating “chill” is about “emotional fitness.” Through his online course “Dynamic Dating” and coaching sessions, Mr. Edwards, who lives in Carlsbad, Calif., teaches clients to hold back a little. “No matter how attractive she may be,” he says, you can act like it’s “not really a big deal.” When he first started his business, the Professional Wingman, he’d regularly accompany clients on outings to Starbucks and Whole Foods to provide in-the-moment feedback on behaviors that may prevent them from making romantic connections. He said his work had resulted in close to 400 marriages.

DATING DO: “Be willing to make the move.”

DATING DON’T: “Hide your intentions.”

RED FLAG: “The way they handle conflict doesn’t align with you.”

PICKUP LINE: “Hey, I know this is random, and you don’t know me, but I needed to come over and say hi, because I thought you’re really interesting.”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “You can’t go wrong with a kiss emoji. There’s the subtlety between the kiss emoji and the kiss emoji with the heart, but don’t panic. Whether you get one or the other, it’s a good sign.”

Matthew Hussey, motivational speaker, author

(YouTube: @thematthewhussey)

He is known as a dating expert thanks, in part, to his 2014 best seller, “Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve.” Mr. Hussey, 35, who was born in Essex, England, and lives in Los Angeles, dispenses enthusiastic actionable dating tips in YouTube videos, including “3 Texts You Can Send to Get Their Attention INSTANTLY” and “5 Irresistible Ways to Flirt With Men.”

In the latter video, Mr. Hussey advises women to “take a sip” of a drink to command the attention of the person they are dating. That will draw the person’s attention to the lips while giving them a chance to “take you in,” he said. And when you are done taking a sip, Mr. Hussey advises that you should say, “You can’t look at me like that.” (He cautions viewers to use this line carefully.)

DATING DO: “Play the long game instead of rushing into something. It takes so much time to get into relationships with the wrong people.”

DATING DON’T: “Don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they’re prepared to invest in you.”

RED FLAG: “Inconsistency.”

PICKUP LINE: “The greatest pickup line is having an energy that feels natural when you speak to someone, so that you don’t look like the kind of person that came over with a pickup line.”

FLIRTIEST EMOJI: “Blushing face. There’s two that blush. I’m talking about the one with the narrower smile. There’s a vulnerability to it. If you said, ‘Tonight was fun,’ that’s fine. But if you add the blushing emoji, it’s instantly more vulnerable. What it says is, ‘You’ve affected me.’”

+ J.2. DATING AFTER 60: A LOT OF ROSES, SOME THORNS

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

For “The Golden Bachelor” and other singles of a certain age, there may be bad dates and false starts. But romance can be infinitely better after decades of life experience.

When Janet Ha, 65, first tried online dating in February, she found it “confusing and weird.”

Her son’s 20-something ex helped her make a profile on Bumble, but all of her initial matches were focused on hooking up.

“I had checked ‘something casual’ — because I didn’t think I was looking for a relationship — but I didn’t realize what that meant on Bumble,” Ms. Ha said, laughing.

She quickly learned to navigate the app, but still wasn’t sure what she wanted. Her nearly 30-year marriage had ended in divorce, and her children were grown. “I just did not want to have to take care of anybody anymore,” said Ms. Ha, a teacher from Minnesota who plans to retire in the spring of 2024.

Dating among older Americans is in the spotlight thanks to the upcoming premiere of “The Golden Bachelor,” which follows Gerry Turner, a 72-year-old widower, on his quest to find a partner in a “Bachelor” spinoff show featuring singles age 60 and older. (Ideally, Mr. Turner has said, a “high-energy” partner who might like pickleball or golf.)

Though reality TV is unlikely to reflect the typical experiences of older single people, millions of them are looking for love — and their stories are often overlooked. Older daters face all of the challenges their younger counterparts do — burnout, ghosting, gaslighting — but many of them have found that dating can be infinitely better when you don’t have as much to prove.

The prevailing narrative surrounding the growing number of unmarried older adults tends to focus on the risks of isolation and loneliness. But Sindy Oh, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, said she was struck by how different dating can be for her older clients because they have a much stronger sense of self. “They have accepted who they are, and they are presenting themselves as is,” she said.

‘Mind-blowing Sex’

Though Ms. Ha’s introduction to online dating was inauspicious, four months ago she swiped right on Mike Ecker, 64, a divorced electrician from Wisconsin.

Had they met when they were in their 20s, Ms. Ha said, “I don’t think I would have been attracted to him, and I don’t think he would have been attracted to me,” describing herself as a “city girl” and Mr. Ecker as a “rural guy.” But their rapport formed easily and instantaneously. Whenever Ms. Ha matched with someone, she asked what song the person was “vibing to.” Mr. Ecker sent “Invisible” by Trey Anastasio. It felt like a sign, as Ms. Ha had been thinking a lot about the invisibility of older women.

On their third date, Ms. Ha drove three hours from her home to his so they could spend the weekend together. They have spent nearly every weekend together since, playing Yahtzee and cribbage, cooking and having what Ms. Ha described as “mind-blowing” sex. (The secret, she said, is good communication.)

“We are really open to talking about everything in a way that I have never experienced before,” Ms. Ha said. “I used to be afraid to show who I really was in a relationship before, because they might leave. And I don’t have that at all anymore.”

‘Shot Out of a Cannon’

One in three baby boomers is single, said Susan Brown, a distinguished professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University who studies demographic shifts in marriage and divorce, and an estimated 14 percentof single people between the ages of 57 and 85 are in a “dating relationship.”

David, 61, described feeling like he was “shot out of a cannon” when he began dating after his marriage of 25 years ended in divorce. He said he had found the “loneliness of a cold marriage even lonelier than being alone,” and is now experimenting with polyamory and nonmonogamy. He’d had inklings of these things during his largely sexless marriage, but never felt like he could explore those sides of himself, and described the confidence he now feels as “a remarkable feature of mid-life dating.” (David asked that only his first name be used out of respect for his ex-wife’s privacy.)

“One thing I quickly discovered is ‘Wow, you really don’t have to play any games at this point in life,’” said David, who lives in California. “I don’t have to tell any story that’s not true about me. And neither do they.”

Kathy Denton, 64, said she felt “bolder” now, in part because she no longer experiences the pressure she once did to settle down. She has been able to find fun with some of the men she has met through dating sites, even if none have been a long-term match. One “delightful man” cooked her “the best soups and breakfasts”; another swept her off to his condo in Florida and showed her “how to have fun again.”

Ms. Denton would like to fall in love again, but she has also “fallen in love” with herself, she said, and realizes that she is the only company she needs. She goes to the beach, spends time with friends and plans to enroll in a stained glass-making class. “If I had to spend the rest of my life alone, I’d be fine with it now,” said Ms. Denton, who lives in Michigan. “I love my life.”

‘We Need a Lot of Patience’

Dating after 60 isn’t all roses. Several people interviewed for this article mentioned how frustrating it is to meet people whose toxic behaviors have calcified over decades.

“We need a lot of patience with each other to undo some of this crap we’ve been through,” said Ms. Denton, who added that she had dated men who turned out to be compulsive liars, or who she suspected had alcohol issues. She has interacted with men who clearly did not bother to read her profile, she said, and others who sent naked photos. Some daters also brought up sexual dysfunction, the shrinking dating pool for older women and the threat of being scammed.

But for Ms. Ha and Mr. Ecker, opening themselves up to each other has brought them both surprising happiness at this stage in their lives. Mr. Ecker had been dating off and on for 10 years before he met Ms. Ha, and was coming out of a particularly difficult stretch when they connected. His mother and his beloved dog had both died, he had ended a three-year relationship and he had lost a chunk of his savings to stock market volatility, just as he was preparing to retire.

Now, he and Ms. Ha are planning the next stage of their lives together, thinking about what they want retirement to look like. They feel lucky to have found one another. “Ever since that first message she sent me,” he said. “I have felt that this thing has been guided and out of our control

+ J.3 AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG THINKS WE’RE ALL FORGETTING HOW TO FLIRT

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

Amelia Dimoldenberg is an expert flirt. It’s a skill that comes with the territory of “Chicken Shop Date,” the YouTube series she created and has hosted for nine years. In it, she takes celebrities like Jack Harlow, Daniel Kaluuya and Jennifer Lawrence out to fried chicken shops across the London area and grills them in a fashion that’s half date, half interview.

Her YouTube channel and its 2 million-plus subscribers have thrust Dimoldenberg, 29, onto the red carpet as an interviewer. At events from the Golden Globes to the London premiere of “Barbie,” she’s injected humor into a ritual that’s known for being a bit stale. Twice, she’s gone viral for her flirtatious banter with the actor Andrew Garfield.

“It’s dire, isn’t it?” said Dimoldenberg about the state of flirting today. “People are maybe thinking, ‘Why would I flirt in real life when I can just DM them tomorrow or like their photo?’ And it sort of seems like enough, whereas it’s not enough. But flirting is so fun.”

Here, Dimoldenberg discusses her multiyear quest to get Drake on her show, her collection of “Disney” mugs and her secret to a relaxing Monday morning.

What time do you get up on Mondays, and what’s the first thing you do after waking up?

I wake up at 8:30 a.m. and then I look at my phone. I’m really trying not to because I do think it makes me sad, but I can’t help myself. The second thing I do is I put my eye drops in, because every day when I wake up, my eyes are glued shut because I’ve got really dry eyes and wear contact lenses. It’s stunning to wake up next to me, really.

How do you like your coffee and breakfast?

I’ll make my porridge with strawberries and blueberries on top. I drink English breakfast tea. I always have a tea in the morning in one of my many different Disney mugs. I’ve got all different Disney mugs: “Lion King” mug, “Aristocats” mug, “Toy Story” mug. I’ve got lots of different Pixar and Disney memorabilia. I have a little Edna Mode doll that’s on my bread bin. It just makes me happy.

What do you do for exercise?

I have a personal trainer and I meet them twice a week. I’ve just scheduled a Zoom call with a dance instructor and we’re going to chat about what we could do together because I want to start dance classes.

Is that for professional or personal reasons?

I love dancing. I do a lot of dancing on my TikTok and people love it, but I mean, to be honest, I think I’m pretty good.

I’m going to start with dance and I’d love to go on to acrobatics. My mission for the summer that I didn’t achieve was to learn how to do a cartwheel. I think it would be very fulfilling to have some ambitions that are separate to my career.

Is there anything you do on a Monday to set yourself up for the week ahead?

I schedule my emails on Sunday night so they arrive on Monday morning, so actually my organization and scheduling happens on Sunday evening. On Monday I like to chill a bit in the morning. I probably shouldn’t be saying this, because my team probably thinks I get up with the crack of dawn on Monday morning and send all these emails.

What have you learned about dating from doing “Chicken Shop Date” videos since you were 21?

Not a lot. I’m not very good at it because I have never gotten a second date. I’ve learned that it’s possible to find common ground with anyone if you try. I’m interviewing—well, dating—people from all walks of life who I might never have met if it wasn’t for the show. And I think that I have an ability to connect with them and get some kind of chemistry with them. I figure out what makes them tick.

Do you have any flirting tips?

Maybe it’s the Britishness of me, but part of flirting is taking someone down a peg. Sort of pointing out things that you think they love about themselves or think they’re the best at, and then you’re sort of poking fun at them in a sweet way. Flirting, to me, is making fun of boys.

You’re becoming a regular presence as a red-carpet host. Have the Oscars called yet?

I did the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and part of me feels like that was actually even more fun than doing the actual Oscars red carpet. However, I obviously would have loved to have done that. [At the after party,] you’re getting people when they know what’s happened and they’re ready to let loose. But I love red carpet interviews. Maybe that’s what resonates with people, my enthusiasm, because it’s just my favorite. It’s like Disneyland for celebrity interviews.

What projects are on your horizon right now?

I am preparing for more Chicken Shop Dates to come out with global talent, not just musicians, but also sports people, which I’m really excited about because I’m a big sports fan. No actors, obviously, because of the strike. I’m also working on some scripted projects that I’ve been writing on the side because I would love in the future to do more work behind the camera as a writer.

What has it been like to become a celebrity in your own right?

It obviously takes quite a bit of adjusting. I always think that it’s not many people who have the privilege of getting positive feedback said to them about their work on a daily basis. That’s really, really amazing and I’m really grateful for that.

Someone running up to you who doesn’t introduce themselves, asking you for a photo, it does make you feel like a bit of an alien sometimes, but you just have to pretend it’s normal.

You’ve been trying to get Drake to come on “Chicken Shop Date” for years. What’s the latest with him? Will it be this next season?

I think it’s written in the stars, really. That episode will happen. It will come at exactly the right time, I know it will.

What do you splurge on?

I’ll take my friends on trips. That’s my biggest splurge because what’s the fun in having money if you can’t spend it on other people?

What’s one piece of advice you’ve gotten that’s guided you?

Recently, I was worrying about a job as per usual and my dad said to me, “As long as you’re doing all of the prep, all of the research and putting 100% into preparing for something, you don’t have to worry. You only have to start worrying when you get complacent.”

+ J.4. WATCH OUT FOR THIS COMMON INTIMACY KILLER

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

For couples in long-term relationships, the “bristle reaction” can make physical connection difficult, experts say.

A few years ago, Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif., noticed an interesting pattern among her clients in long-term relationships: They would complain that their partners only touched them to initiate sex. The gesture, a back rub or a playful grab, would make them flinch.

This was so prevalent that Marin, author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” started calling it the “bristle reaction.” It’s what happens when your partner’s touch makes your entire body tense, “because you know it can mean just one thing,” she said.

The “bristle reaction” is not necessarily a sign that your connection is fraying, Marin said. At the beginning of a relationship, couples are frequently entwined, she explained, but with time, physical affection can wane.

Holding hands in line at the dry cleaners gives way to kissing only as foreplay, and eventually any touching is interpreted as a prelude to sex. The touch can feel “loaded,” because an expectation is attached to it, said Marin, whose TikTok post on the topic has over eight million views.

The resulting flinch is what biologists call an “‘honest signal,’ or one that you can’t really hide,” said Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. In this case, “the body is going into a defensive response and saying, ‘Nope, not interested,’” Dr. Garcia said.

The initiator often feels rejected and embarrassed, said Marin, while the bristler might feel resentful or guilty. Here are some ways to interrupt this cycle.

Practice nonsexual touching.

Make a habit of holding hands or gently reaching for each other in passing, Dr. Garcia said. These small gestures can “de-escalate the bristle moments,” and help to train partners that not all touch is about sex, he said.

Marin recommended a daily six-second kiss, an intimacy-building exercise also recommended by John and Julie Gottman, the married relationship researchers who co-founded the Gottman Institute. They say six seconds is long enough to establish connection and promote feelings of trust and safety.

Or try hugging your partner for at least 20 seconds a day, said Shamyra Howard, a sex therapist and the author of “Use Your Mouth.” Research suggests that hugging can increase oxytocin levels and lower blood pressure.

Pay attention to your partner’s reaction.

When one person is bristling, both people need to examine their roles in the scenario, Howard said.

If you repeatedly encounter bristles when you make a move, it might be time to change up your tactics and “read the room,” she said. Approaching while your loved one is cooking or cleaning “can make them feel unseen and emotionally disconnected,” Howard said.

If you’re the bristler, acknowledge how vulnerable your partner feels when he or she initiates sex, and honor your partner’s attempts to connect with you, Dr. Garcia said. “You can say something like ‘Oh, sorry, honey, you startled me, let’s circle back to this tonight,’” he said.

Establish ‘erotic time zones.’

All three experts advise having a conversation about your preferred initiation style. Talking about sex, said Howard, increases not only sexual fulfillment but overall relationship satisfaction. She suggested asking your partner: When do you feel most sexual? How can I initiate sex better? When do you prefer having sex?

That last question, she said, can be a game changer: “I call it the erotic time zone, or E.T.Z.”

You can also share your three favorite places to be touched on your body, being as specific as possible about how and where, Marin added. “I told my husband I love gentle, almost tickling fingernail scratches on the back of my neck,” she said.

The more you talk about your preferences, the better, Marin said. “I tell couples, you’re not opponents. You both want to experience intimacy and closeness,” she said. “You just want to do it in a way that feels good to the two of you.”

Dating as a senior has challenges — and many pleasures.

One in three baby boomers is single, and dating after 60 is finally getting some recognition, thanks to the premiere of “The Golden Bachelor.” The series follows a 72-year-old widower named Gerry Turner on his search for love. Catherine Pearson spoke to seniors about their dating experiences.

Read the article: Dating After 60: A Lot of Roses, Some Thorns

Why is the ‘silent walk’ all over social media?

The silent walk is just what it sounds like: a stroll with no podcasts, no chatting, no music. This blend of meditation and exercise can improve your mental health by reducing stress, focusing your thoughts and giving you permission to daydream.

+ J.5. DON’T WORRY, HE’S ALL RIGHT, ACCORDING TO AT LEAST ONE WOMAN

DivorceBouy Dec 2023

Facebook groups like Vouched Dating and Are We Dating the Same Guy? help strangers vet potential partners.

These days the idea of meeting a perfect stranger doesn’t quite hold the romantic allure it once did (if it ever really did at all). Especially when it comes to online dating. Before apps like Tinder, it was common for people to meet potential mates in their neighborhood, or through school, work or religious institutions. The internet, however, provides a much larger dating pool, which can reduce the chances of two people having mutual friends.

With 30 percent of U.S. adults using dating platforms, according to a survey by Pew Research Center, how can people verify if someone is datable? In a time where scams run amok on the internet, some single people are taking matters of verification into their own hands.

Most dating platforms require users to import photos and basic information about themselves. The platforms also allow users to link to their social media profiles, but it’s impossible to know everything about a person based on those cues alone.

Last year, Lissie Pinckney, who lives in Los Angeles, joined a Facebook group called Vouched Dating — Los Angeles, where mostly straight women tout their platonic male friends. Different versions of the group exist in cities across the country, including Jersey City and Minneapolis.

On the vouch dating groups, women post a few pictures of their guy friends, adding details about who the guy is and who he’s looking for, Ms. Pinckney, said. “And then women can comment if they’re interested,” she said.

The friend then shares the potential matches with her guy friend and makes the connection if it’s a fit. These groups provide the women with a sense of security. The posts act as endorsements — like Yelp reviews for potential mates.

Approaching the issue of verification from the opposite side of the coin, popular Facebook groups known as Are We Dating the Same Guy? serve as forums for women to see if the men they are dating are trustworthy. Members in those groups will share an image and brief details about a guy they are seeing along with one single inquiry: Is he taken? Others will post photos of their bad exes in an effort to warn other women. (Similar groups exist for men, called “Are We Dating the Same Girl?”)

These forums originated with the intention of helping women look out for other women. But Are We Dating The Same Guy groups — there are more than 150 in different cities around the world — have become increasingly criticized for divisiveness, toxicity, defamation and privacy issues. Lawyers have warned that these pages could put posters at risk of legal action, and there is at least one petition on change.org demanding that the groups be shut down.

Dating apps have long grappled with verification features. Some, like Hinge and Raya, use various strategies to make potential matches feel less like strangers.

Hinge once used a “romance graph” to pair you with friends of friends that fit your style. Raya, the membership-based app for dating and professional networking, requires users to link their Instagram profiles to their pages. Aspiring members must apply to join (a referral from a current member can boost the chances of being accepted).

According to Madeleine Fugère, a social psychologist and psychological science professor at Eastern Connecticut State University, these attempts to verify dates via groups or mutual friends or family members could signal “a backlash” to internet dating and the problems associated with it.

“Because of the anonymity that the internet offers, there’s a lot of people who behave badly,” said Dr. Fugère, who specializes in human attraction and romantic relationships.

“It’s much harder to behave in that way if you’re not only accountable to your potential date, but also to a friend or family member,” she added.

Ms. Pinckney attended a Vouched Dating party in August that was hosted by the Los Angeles group of which she is a member. She followed the rules of the party and brought a couple of her guy friends she could vouch for.

“The ladies all seemed spectacular,” she said. “There were a couple of very eligible men that all the women wanted to talk to.” But she added that most of the men were “lackluster.”

However, one of the men she brought, Chazztin Pascual, a 36-year-old software engineer, hit it off with a woman named Trinity Gruenberg, 32.

“Once we met, we talked literally the whole day,” Mr. Pascual said. “We went from one side of the venue to the other, and then we ended up outside.”

They had their first official date less than a week later, and he soon asked her to be his girlfriend. They now live in the Bay Area, recently got engaged in Hawaii and are planning to get married next year.

“I liked that it was more of a traditional approach,” Ms. Gruenberg said. “Like the whole goal was that it was a dating event. I really liked that.

Dr. Fugère explained that another reason it’s important to meet in-person, regardless of how you connect, is because when we’re in a digital environment, we have a tendency to project characteristics onto a potential partner and assume they’re going to be good rather than bad. Instead, she said, we should determine if they really have positive characteristics or if we’re “inventing those in the absence of real information.”

Mr. Pascual said that the experience emphasized why going through friends to find a romantic partner, especially if it’s a female friend, may make women feel safer because it can lessen the fear that he’s a misogynist.

“I know at least a handful of guys, like I’ve worked with, that I would not trust anywhere near my sisters,” said Mr. Pascual, who has six sisters. “Just the fact that a guy would have a female friend that can vouch for him is a plus in itself.”

+ J.6. WAS I MARRIED TO A STRANGER?

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

I thought I knew my husband of 20 years. I didn’t — and still don’t.

When the lockdown started in March 2020, my husband and I decided to quarantine with our two youngest children, then 15 and 12, at our house on Martha’s Vineyard. We arrived on March 15 and settled in for a long stay, unpacking sweaters and boots, textbooks and cellos.

My husband set up his home office on a card table in the living room, rising at 4 a.m. to pace and worry over the markets. He chopped three different kinds of wood and built gorgeous fires. He made me whiskey sours as the sun set (we believed reports that whiskey would kill the virus). Our older daughter learned to make gnocchi; our younger daughter learned to play Fortnite. We delighted in the off-season use of our house and seeing the island for the first time in late winter light.

A week later, on March 22, at 6 a.m., my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He packed a bag, got in his Jeep and boarded a ferry. We had been married for nearly 21 years.

When he reached New York City, he laid out his narrative: He thought he had wanted our life but didn’t. He thought he was happy but wasn’t. A switch had flipped. He didn’t want our house or our apartment. He didn’t want any custody of our children.

I had no idea he was unhappy. My husband had been a man who went to bed at 9 p.m. and tracked his sleep cycles on a phone app. He was the first to leave a dinner party. He worked, played tennis and came home and watched more tennis on television. He wasn’t affectionate or adoring, but I felt a current of abiding love. He never flirted with other women in front of me. We didn’t bicker. He seemed content and invested in our life. He designed an addition to our garage and planted blueberry bushes in the year before he left.

There was another woman, as there often is when men leave. Her husband called me the night of March 21 as I mopped the kitchen floor after dinner and left a voice mail message: “I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is having an affair with my wife.”

That night, my husband was apologetic and regretful, saying he loved me and that the affair meant nothing. But by dawn, as he announced his departure, he looked different, resolved. His green eyes were icy.

The rest of the story is filled with more clichés. He left the year I turned 50, the year he reached a pinnacle of professional success at work. He bought a sleek new Manhattan apartment, hired a well-known divorce lawyer, and treated me with a consistent lack of empathy or sentiment.

What’s different about my story is that my marriage exploded at the dawn of a pandemic. It was early in the crisis when he left. We were dousing our hands with Purell, wiping down packages, using gloves at the grocery store, but not yet wearing masks. We were facing many unknowns, including how deadly the virus was, how long schools would be closed, when we could expect a vaccine. We were scared, and I relished the safety of my marriage intensely. And then my husband was gone.

I had a home, money, an isolated location to quarantine — I was safe by every measure. But my partner, who promised to protect me and our children, had disappeared overnight. The people who would have propped me up, fed me, helped with the children — my family and closest friends — could not get to me during lockdown. They wept with me on the phone, but I woke up every day facing the fear and pain on my own.

I decided not to drink, knowing that it would make me sadder, but I also found it hard to eat. Within weeks I had shed 20 pounds, the self I had come to know over two decades of pregnancies and family life.

I also had no information about my husband and why he had left us. After the generic statements about his unhappiness, he gave me nothing — no explanation for what was lacking in our marriage or in me, how long he had felt this way, or even a declaration of feelings for the woman he was seeing. He refused to see a therapist with me. Within a week, he had stopped answering my phone calls. His brother and sister also stopped communicating, saying that to support him, they could not be in contact with me.

Had life been normal, had we been in New York, had I been able to run into him on the street and make him look me in the eye, maybe I would have some understanding of what was happening. But I was on my island, and he was on his, and I knew nothing, only the shock of his disappearance.

Ironically, it had been my husband’s steadiness that made me fall in love with him. We met at a corporate law firm where he was a senior associate, and I was a junior associate assigned to his group in my second year. He was a great lawyer with a quick mind, able to supervise a dozen deals at a time, thoughtful and methodical in his left-handed markups of legal documents. He was tall, blonde and lean, a similar silhouette to my father. He wore suits and rolled up his shirt sleeves as he worked. He was a grown-up.

When he walked into my office, shut the door and kissed me, I was done for. He was intent on marrying me within weeks of that kiss, pledging to take care of me, to step into my dead father’s role as my protector. And we did marry, within the year, both of us (I still believe) very much in love.

My husband’s reserve was also appealing to me. The men in my family were moody and had tempers. My husband did not believe in yelling or even fighting. His voice was always low, often almost a whisper, and he refused to engage in an argument. Our home was calm, free from conflict, and that felt like a victory to me, a smug sense that I was living a superior life.

But a rebellious past lurked behind my husband’s calm exterior: teenage brushes with the law, trouble in school. There were many women in his wake and stories of some of them stalking him, unable to accept his rejection.

This narrative was sexy to me, the former rebel dressed in a suit, the problem high school student landing at an elite law firm, the heartbreaker. But when I think about what happened, I think about this part of him. The bad boy in him shedding the choking uniform of husband and father as abruptly as he had adopted it.

Almost three years later, I still have no understanding of why my husband left. His strangeness only increased, becoming an adversary in the divorce process and, while kind with our children and occasionally in touch with me by text, more resolute in his desire not to share custody or daily parenting.

As the pandemic dragged on, there was so little social interaction and information flow that I heard nothing about him from anyone. I don’t know if the other woman is still important to him or if she didn’t matter at all. I don’t know if he cheated throughout our marriage or if the affair was his first betrayal. I don’t know if he changed abruptly or if I was sleeping with a stranger for two decades.

I could have hired a private investigator, could have called the husband of the woman he was seeing, could have pursued my in-laws for answers. But all these roads felt sordid, like I was trading my dignity for scraps of information. I had to figure out how to move forward without knowing.

To have empty spaces when you try to remember and make sense of your past feels like a form of amnesia. Or like watching the beginning and end of a movie, and missing the middle, essential pieces of the story.

I have no secret to share about how to move on without answers. I walked a lot, a form of meditation that made me feel like I was moving forward. I took on more legal work, cooked for my children, walked our dog, bought new rugs. And eventually, after many months, I found myself on a road that had less of a relationship to his, and I stopped looking backward and sideways, only ahead.

I sometimes see him from afar in our shared city neighborhood. He looks familiar, his posture and gait, his sandy blonde hair and orange sneakers, and my heart leaps a little at the sight of him. But then I remember he is a stranger, and I walk on.

+ J.7. DATING IN YOUR 70s HAS NEVER BEEN THIS MUCH FUN

DivorceBuoy Dec 2023

A profusion of mixers and dating apps for the 65+ set and the positive messaging of ‘The Golden Bachelor’ have made older people more optimistic about finding love again

ROMEOVILLE, Ill.—On the Friday before Halloween, Lynn Phillips hurried home from work to change. She put on black slacks and a “dressy top,” then blow-dried her bangs before carefully applying silvery eye shadow, mascara and a soft-pink lipstick. A friend from the assisted-living facility where she worked had invited her to a speed-dating event nearby. She was hoping to meet a guy.

“Most men my age don’t have a car, live with a family member and have multiple DUIs,” Phillips said at the event, hosted at the Romeoville Public Library outside of Chicago. “I want to meet a nice gentleman, somebody laid-back who’s in the same boat that I’m in.” At 62, she describes herself as “game for anything”—except dating apps. She’s been there, done that, and thinks an in-person connection is a much likelier bet.

“This is like the old days,” said James Wyrick, 58, dressed as Captain America with fingerless gloves and a shield harness. As the first man to arrive at the library event, his odds are looking good. “There are a couple ladies here who I’d love to ask out on a date,” said Wyrick. “This is a gold mine.”

Demand for senior dating services, from local mixers to age-specific apps, is higher than ever in a rapidly aging America. By 2030, there will be more residents over 65 than under 18 for the first time. According to Pew Research, 30% of Americans over 50 are single; for people over 65, it rises to 36%. Many of them are romantic as ever, hopeful to find love in whatever season of life it finds them.

But as singles age, dating brings new and specific challenges. Many are putting themselves out there for the first time in decades. Nearly all of them are navigating unfamiliar online tools. And they’re grappling with questions they’d hoped never to face.

“Our seniors were asking me, ‘When is it socially acceptable to start dating again after your spouse passed away?’” said Tina Williams, the outreach services manager at White Oak Library District, which includes Romeoville. In 2016, she started to field more questions from older patrons about how to date, particularly online. So she hosted a workshop covering the basics: the reputations of various apps, how to write an engaging profile, how to choose and upload a photo, when to ask someone to meet in person, how to recognize a scam.

“So many people kept calling afterwards, asking for more,” she said. Soon, Williams was teaching her workshops across the district, then all over Illinois, where repeat attendees would return to update her about their dating experiences.

She thinks of herself as a confidante to these singles. “A lot of seniors feel they don’t have that person in their life,” she said. Her workshops gave way to speed-dating nights; she said that one couple who met at a library dating event has since gotten married.

Meanwhile, there is a growing industry of dating coaches for older adults. “I’m not a matchmaker,” said Lisa Copeland, a love coach who helps women over 50 learn to date through her website, findaqualityman.com. “I work on helping people with what they can’t see.”

When she got divorced in her early 50s, Copeland turned to coaches to learn how to online date, but found that they were all younger than her and didn’t empathize with the challenges of dating with age. “When you’re in your 50s, you look in the mirror and you go, ‘Oh God,’” she said. “No guy knows what you looked like at 20, but you have this negative self image because you’ve had babies and gone through menopause. A woman starts thinking she’s not enough.”

That’s where she starts her dating program. Over six months, an online group of five to 20 women regularly report back to the cohort as they practice what Copeland teaches: how to think expansively about their types, what information to include in a dating profile, how to feel confident before a first date. It’s more like action-oriented group therapy than lessons from a pickup artist.

“I thought I was too old and too tall to find love,” said Heather Higgins, 75, who started working with Copeland when she decided to try dating after 20 years of singlehood. “At age 73 and 6 foot 1 inch tall, it never occurred to me that I would find the love of my life.”

She started the program for the logistical support: advice about safety, which dating site to join first, how to compile a finite list of deal breakers. She attributes her confidence to the group environment. “When you’re doing this alone, you feel really vulnerable,” said Higgins. “The group made me feel comfortable.”

After a couple months of online dating, she saw a man who looked particularly kind on Zoosk, an online dating site and app. She made the first move and sent a “heart” to Bruce, which Higgins said she never would have done before working with Copeland. She’s grateful that she did: Nearly two years after their first date, the couple are talking about moving in together. “It never would have happened if I hadn’t reached out,” she said.

This fall, ABC’s “The Golden Bachelor” presented a photogenic version of what it means to look for love in one’s later years. Seventy-one-year-old Gerry Turner and his romantic prospects, all sexagenarians and septuagenarians, rock climb and ride motorcycles into the sunset. Most single older Americans experience romance with decidedly less drama, but there are relatable takeaways: Putting yourself out there as an older person, with the requisite baggage and aging body, is especially vulnerable.

As Copeland and Williams teach, to date while aging requires a perspective shift. First, you have to frame your varied life experiences as beneficial. Sagging skin and sunspots are evidence of parenthood and decades of beach days. A previous divorce and unsuccessful relationships mean that you now have a better understanding of yourself and your romantic needs. Dating after the rush of family and career can bring an exhilarating freedom about what your relationship can look like.

Next, they say, turn that logic on potential partners. Try to see them as peers who are shaped and marked by their own full lives.

“Often, we won’t talk to guys because they look too old,” said Copeland. “But we’re all aging, we just don’t see it in ourselves.”

At the Romeoville library, confidence was in full swing on the dance floor, where DJ Kevin, wearing a bedazzled rainbow jacket, crooned Fred Astaire and Bobby Darin. Dracula twirled with a pumpkin; a sexy cop fixed her makeup in a compact as Captain America grabbed them another round of drinks. Over games led by chipper librarians, seniors introduced themselves as they filled out their “Boo Bash Bingo Cards,” signing their names for prompts like “I had a physical in the past year,” “I kissed someone new in 2023” and “I got caught having fun.” The speed dating had worked, at least for some: Phillips had given out her phone number and made tentative plans to shoot pool with one of the eligible bachelors.

By 8 p.m., the party was winding down. Prizes were given out for the best costumes; the ice-cream maker had been raffled away. As DJ Kevin crooned “Stand By Me,” librarians passed out library-branded eyeglass cleaning cloths and glow-in-the-dark condoms at the door. Patrons exchanged goodbyes, promising to catch up at the next mixer in January, or on a date before then.

+ J.8. 9 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IN 2024

DivorceBuoy.com Dec 2023

Pay a compliment, focus on the things you can control and, for goodness’ sake, put down your phone.

Small nuggets of advice can sometimes lead to big changes in relationships. My colleagues and I on the Well desk are fortunate to regularly interview psychotherapists, couples counselors, sex therapists and researchers who share their most useful tactics for strengthening connections.

Here are some of the best tips we covered in 2023 that can help improve your bonds with friends, family and romantic partners in the year ahead.

1. Give people permission to change.

It can be challenging to recognize that people you have known for years, like siblings, have evolved and may be entirely different than they once were. But doing so can help you maintain genuine closeness over time. Periodically, consider asking questions that get at who your loved one has become. Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, recommends prompts such as “What are you into now?” or “What is going on in your life that I don’t know about?”

2. When the phone rings, pick up.

Loneliness is a public health crisis that affects more than half of Americans, but Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the surgeon general, believes that some strategies for finding and maintaining connection are startlingly simple. For instance, when someone calls you, pick up the phone, he says, even if it’s just to say “hi” and find another time for a longer catch-up. “That 10 seconds feels so much better than going back and forth on text,” Dr. Murthy said.

3. Beware of ‘phubbing.’

Glancing at your phone when someone is talking to you, or reaching for it whenever the conversation stalls, can lead to feelings of hurt and frustration. Recent research suggests that the practice — a combination of “phone” and “snubbing” — can be particularly damaging to romantic partnerships. Experts say simple tweaks, like limiting digital alerts and establishing clear ground rules with your partner around phone use, can help.

“I know this doesn’t sound sexy, and people don’t want to do this in their relationships, but truly it’s the No. 1 strategy,” said Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couple and family therapy program at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.

4. Be open to the different types of desire.

Sex therapists and researchers tend to believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive (which arises in response to stimuli). Though many people tend to think that spontaneous desire is somehow better, responsive desire is valid too, experts said. And learning to embrace it can be critical to maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships, or in those where one person wants sex more than the other.

Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said she often helps clients understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent.

5. When arguing, avoid generalizations.

Phrases like “you always …” or “you never …” are exaggerations, and they make others defensive. “You’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore,” said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist in Washington, D.C. “You’re just going into full-blown argument mode.” Instead, make an effort to focus only on the problem at hand.

6. Never underestimate the power of a compliment.

People may shy away from offering them, because they worry about sounding awkward or coming off as insincere. But compliments are usually much more welcome than we expect, said Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

When complimenting a stranger, keep it brief and sincere. When complimenting a friend or loved one, be specific — saying not just what you like about someone, for instance, but also expressing how that person makes you feel.

7. When dealing with challenging family members, focus on what you can control.

As much as you might wish to, you cannot change your family members, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed clinical social worker and author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.” She recommends asking yourself: If this person didn’t change anything about themselves or their behavior, what, if anything, could I do to make the relationship different?

8. Don’t let introversion stand in the way of deep connection.

“Introverts are mistaken for being antisocial,” said Susan Cain, the author of “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.” “Actually, they’re differently social.” Introverts tend to have more of an inward or internal orientation, but they still crave friendship and connection as much as anyone.

So, introverts: Lean into your natural preferences and tendencies, experts advise. Seek out comfortable people in comfortable places, and embrace the power of initiating plans, which gives you control over who you socialize with and where.

9. When someone you love is upset, ask one simple question.

When young students are upset, teachers will sometimes ask: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” That question can offer adults a sense of comfort and control, too, experts said. That’s because different emotions need different responses, said Dr. Elizabeth Easton, the director of psychotherapy at Pathlight Mood and Anxiety Center in Denver. Reassurance may work well for anxiety, but could infuriate someone who is frustrated, she said. At its core, this simple question is about identifying: How can I meet your needs?

+ J.9. GOOD NEWS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH YOUR SPOUSE

DivorceBuoy Jan 2024

Therapists and sleep scientists say it’s OK for couples to sleep apart, a reversal of a long-held marriage tenet

Ever tried to get a good night’s sleep with your partner snoring or tossing around restlessly next to you?

You’re gonna like this: Therapists and sleep scientists say it’s OK for couples to sleep apart as a growing body of research shows the striking importance of sleep. It’s a reversal from the long-held marriage tenet that once partners move to separate beds, the romance is dead.

Sleep is “essential for a healthy body, mind and relationship,” says Wendy Troxel, clinical psychologist, sleep scientist at Rand and author of a book on couples sleeping. “It’s important to prioritize it.”

Therapists have a caveat. If you and your partner do move to separate beds, you need to find a way to continue to be intimate, both emotionally and physically. Co-sleeping provides important benefits for a couple, such as emotional closeness and opportunities for cuddling, sex and conversation. Partners who sleep well together should stick with it.

In the beginning of their marriage, Mark and Paula White shared the same bed. But neither of them was getting a good night’s rest. Paula is a night owl who keeps the TV on, even when she’s asleep. Mark keeps a fan running at the foot of the bed and happily wakes up at 3 a.m.

Once, he flipped over in his sleep and accidentally punched her in the face. Another time, his snoring and “garlicky breath” made her snap and scream: “I can’t breathe! You’re taking my air!”

That was 32 years ago. Since then, the Whites have mostly slept in separate rooms, even choosing separate beds on vacation.

“We’re better people and we have a better relationship because we get better sleep,” says Paula, 60, a business owner in New Albany, Ohio.

When we sleep well, we stave off a host of physical- and mental-health problems, such as diabetes, hypertension and depression. Our relationships improve, because we’re less irritable, less frustrated, and better at communication and problem-solving. When we’re cranky, we tend to take it out on the person closest to us.

Better sleep can boost our sex lives, too. One of the main reasons couples stop having sex is because they’re too damn exhausted.

“This is why couples say one of their most satisfying sexual experiences is when they go on vacation,” says Sari Cooper, a certified sex and couples therapist in New York. “They get time to rest.”

Here’s how psychologists suggest you can successfully sleep apart.

Have a conversation

Don’t stomp off out of bed. It could make your partner feel rejected. Both people need to be OK with the arrangement for it to work.

Choose a time when you are both well-rested. Don’t talk about this in the bedroom.

Ask your partner: Are you sleeping OK? Explain that you want both of you to sleep well. Be reassuring that this is about sleep and not attraction.

Don’t blame. Use “I” instead of “you.” Try: “I get cold at night,” not “you are a blanket hog.”

Keep it targeted. This isn’t the time to talk about everything wrong in your relationship. “Stay focused on how you can be a better partner if you are better slept,” Rand’s Troxel says.

Try it part-time

This doesn’t have to be a full-time arrangement. You can sleep apart during the workweek, or take a break when one person is in a bout of insomnia.

This temporary approach is especially helpful when one partner wants to sleep apart and one doesn’t, Troxel says.

Plan regular intimacy dates

When you sleep in separate beds, there are fewer opportunities for spontaneous sex or even just snuggling. “You need to be intentional about creating the seduction, flirtation and planning to make it happen,” says Cooper, the sex therapist.

Pick a day when you know you will be most relaxed and plan to go to bed an hour earlier. (You’ll want energy!) Build the anticipation beforehand. Send a flirty text or leave a note on your partner’s bed.

And remember: Not all intimacy has to be sexual.

Get in bed together for a little bit each night

Cuddle. Watch a movie. Engage in pillow talk. Then say good night and head off to your separate beds.

“You can shoot for the best of both worlds: time awake in bed together and good sleep,” says Zlatan Krizan, a certified sleep scientist and professor of psychology at Iowa State University.

The Whites, who have been married 33 years, sometimes watch a movie in bed and snuggle. When they want to be intimate, they plan a date night or simply visit each other’s bedroom. Sometimes Paula tells her husband, “I’ll leave the red light on for you tonight.” Both spouses say sex is more pleasurable now because they aren’t so tired and tense.

They have one bedtime ritual they never skip, though. They go upstairs together, kneel on each side of Paula’s bed, and say their prayers. Then they kiss good night and head off to their own rooms.

“Now, when we’re together, we know it’s going to be quality time,” Mark, 61, says.

+ J.10. 8 SEX MYTHS THAT EXPERTS WISH WOULD GO AWAY

DivorceBuoy Jan 2024

Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men always want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

+ K.1. 10 WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IN 2024

DivorceBuoy Jan 2024

These simple and proven strategies will help you manage stress and find meaning in the new year.

Since the height of the pandemic, there has been a cultural shift in the way we talk about mental health. It’s as though the years of isolation and uncertainty helped us understand how vital our emotional needs were to our overall well-being.

Now that we’re paying more attention to our inner lives, it’s also essential that we take action. Fortunately, there are a number of things that everyone can do to nourish their mental health and find moments of joy.

Here are some of our favorite tips from the past year as we prepare to enter 2024.

1. Try a proven way to sleep better.

Experts say that getting enough sleep is one of the most important things we can do for our mental health. If you’re having trouble falling or staying asleep, studies have found that cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, or C.B.T.-I., is as effective as using sleep medications in the short term — and more effective in the long term. C.B.T.-I. helps people address anxieties about sleep and find ways to relax. To find a provider, try the Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine directory.

2. Learn how to tell whether your anxiety is protective or problematic.

It’s normal to feel anxious from time to time. In fact, having some anxiety can actually be useful. Experts say an internal alarm system can improve our performance, help us recognize danger and even encourage us to be more conscientious. So we asked Dr. Petros Levounis, the president of the American Psychiatric Association: How much anxiety is too much?

“If you start to notice that worry and fear are there constantly, that is a signal that you need some help,” he said.

Other signs to look out for include restlessness, a sense of fear or doom, increased heart rate, sweating, trembling and trouble concentrating.

3. Stop the worry cycle.

If you have a tendency to ruminate, there are a few simple ways to curb the habit. The first is to distract yourself: Research shows that diversions can help get your mind off whatever is stressing you out. Try playing a word game or listening to music, paying close attention to the lyrics.

Other times, it’s better not to fight the urge — but that doesn’t mean you should let your thoughts spiral out of control. Set a timer for 10 to 30 minutes of dedicated rumination time, and give yourself permission to mentally mull things over. When the timer goes off, it’s time to move on.

4. Practice ‘5 things tidying.’

When you’re struggling with your mental health, basic tasks like washing dishes or doing laundry can feel impossible. But living amid mess can make you feel even worse. KC Davis, a licensed professional counselor and author of the book “How to Keep House While Drowning,” advises focusing on function over aesthetics — your home doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be livable.

An efficient way to keep things from getting out of hand is to practice what she calls “five things tidying.” Tackle the five main categories of clutter — trash, dishes, laundry, things with a place and things without a place — one at a time to help cleaning feel more manageable.

5. Embrace gratitude.

Gratitude is a positive emotion that can arise when you acknowledge that you have goodness in your life and that other people — or higher powers, if you believe in them — have helped you achieve that goodness.

To really reap the benefits of gratitude, experts say, it’s important to express it whenever possible. That might include writing letters of thanks or listing the positive things in your life in a journal. Giving thanks to friends, romantic partners and even co-workers can also offer a relationship boost.

6. Be optimistic about aging.

Research shows that mindset really matters when it comes to health, and it can even extend your life. A classic study found that people who were optimistic about aging lived seven and a half years longer than those who had negative perceptions of it.

To adopt a more positive outlook about getting older, shift your focus to the benefits of aging, like better emotional well-being and higher emotional intelligence. Look for aging role models, too: older people who stay physically active and engaged in their communities, or those with traits that you admire.

7. Participate in the arts.

The notion that art can improve mental well-being is something many people intuitively understand but don’t necessarily put into practice.

You don’t need talent to give it a try, experts say. Writing a poem, singing or drawing can all help elevate your mood, no matter how creative you consider yourself to be. One of the easiest ways to get started is to color something intricate: Spending 20 minutes coloring a mandala (a complex geometric design) is more helpful for reducing anxiety than free-form coloring for the same length of time, research has found.

8. Look for a little bit of awe every day.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to connect with the physical world around us. Enter the awe walk.

Pick a walking spot (either new or familiar) and imagine that you’re seeing it for the first time. Then pay attention to your senses. Feel the wind on your face, touch the petals of a flower. Simply notice the sky. It can be more restorative than you might expect.

9. Take a tech break.

If you’re having trouble focusing, it’s not just you. Research has found that over the past two decades, the amount of time we spend on a given task has shrunk to an average of just 47 seconds, down from two and a half minutes. Technology is often to blame.

To regain control of your concentration, Larry Rosen, a professor emeritus of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, suggested a strategy he calls “tech breaks.” Set a timer for 15 minutes, then silence and set aside your phone. When time is up, take one or two minutes to check your favorite apps — that’s your tech break — and get back to work for another 15-minute cycle. The goal is to gradually increase the time between your tech breaks, building up to 45 minutes (or more) away from your phone.

10. Take a deep breath.

One of the fastest, easiest ways you can calm your mind and body is by taking slow, deep breaths. Doing so helps to turn up your parasympathetic nervous system — the counterbalance to the “fight or flight” stress response — and lower your blood pressure and regulate your heart rate.

One breathing exercise that can be particularly helpful for mitigating fear and anxiety is 4-4-8 breathing, where you inhale for four counts, hold your breath for four counts and exhale for eight counts.

+ K.2. 20 YEARS SEARCHING FOR WORKOUTS TAUGHT ME THESE 10 THINGS

DivorceBuoy Jan 2024

Here are more insights from nearly 20 years of columns:

Early risers stick to their routines

Exercising first thing in the morning ensures other demands don’t hijack your workout. The late Jack LaLanne, often called the Godfather of Fitness, told me he’d wake up and start stretching in bed before heading to the weight room. Former NFL head coach Herm Edwards used his 5 a.m. workouts to plan out his day. Sports-talk personality Skip Bayless wins the most-dedicated exerciser superlative. He would get up at 5:30 a.m. for his rigorous routine and has risen as early as 2 a.m. to fit in a workout. When we spoke in 2015, he said he’d missed only two days of cardio since April 1998. He recently told me he’s missed one day since then.

Older doesn’t have to equal slower

With smart training, you can speed up with age. After adding tempo work to his routine, Ken Rideout has emerged as one of the world’s top over-50 runners, and he keeps improving. By training with younger, quicker runners, Erica Stanley-Dottin clocked a faster New York Marathon time at age 49 than at age 35. At 75, Marsha O’Loughlin of Texas trained with her local high-school track team.

It’s never too late to get competitive

Many people I’ve profiled didn’t discover sports or exercise until later in life. Competition helped fuel their passion. Charlotte Sanddal started swimming at 72 and was breaking world records at age 100. “Swimming gives me purpose and focus,” she told me. “And I like having someone to chase.” When Leon Malmedgot bored of golfing, he took up cycling in his late 60s and began competing, and winning, at 78.

Play more

Exercise doesn’t have to feel like work. Make it fun by trying youthful activities. At 60, ad executive Ben Hart found joy in breakdancing. Tech executive Kari Clark made cartwheels a regular part of her routine. Former Lexington, N.C., Mayor Newell Clark would lead group workouts through the city’s parks using swing sets and monkey bars as equipment. And Bob Myers, former general manager of the Golden State Warriors, played full-court, one-on-one hoops with staffers and team members.

Change your routine to work with your life stage

Career or family obligations are top reasons people let their fitness lapse. Rather than abandon exercise, Henry and Betsy Schloss, a Denver couple who loved long-distance races, swapped high mileage for high-intensity training when they became parents.

Challenge yourself by mixing things up

Everyone, even pro athletes, falls into a workout rut. World champion water skier Camille Duvall found a new challenge in rock climbing. Olympic track champion Carl Lewis has stayed fit through trapeze and aerial-silks workouts.

There are some really wacky workouts out there

If you’re not a gym person, there are plenty of untraditional ways to keep fit. Some of the most novel activities I’ve covered over the years include bellyacking(a mashup of surfing and kayaking), mountain unicycling, pogo sticking and archery dodgeball.

Make your workout a ritual to look forward to

The anticipation of watching the sunrise atop the 6,863-foot summit of Mount Sanitas in Boulder, Colo., gets entrepreneur Jay Palmer out of bed to hike before dawn, no matter the weather.

Don’t fear setting high goals

Committing to a goal can help you stick to a training routine. Grammy Award-winning DJ Paul Oakenfold had never hiked when he agreed to trek to perform at Mount Everest’s South Base Camp in 2017. Chef Charlie Layton and restaurateur Ben Towill had never rowed before signing up for an ocean rowing competition of 3,000 nautical miles across the Atlantic. Their year of training whipped them into shape.

When Eric Greensmith was winding down his medical career, he was 50 years older and 40 pounds heavier than in his rookie year as a Jersey Shore lifeguard. Twice-daily workouts and a revamped diet helped him pass the lifeguard requalifying test and get back on the tower at age 67.

Get inspired

When I’m in a workout funk, these are some of the stories I read to get me moving:

Bethany Hamilton lost her arm in a shark attack, but the pro surfer can still compete with the best of the best. When Dan Berlin lost his vision in his mid-30s, he took up long-distance running.

Caroline Gaynor trains to help blind and visually impaired athletes fulfill their Ironman dreams. After losing a leg, Pam Eberly took up competitive snowboarding.

What about my workout? I might run two to three days a week, typically avoiding pavement. I cycle, hike and practice yoga. My strength training now includes mobility and stability work. I’ve also come to value recovery and make eight hours of sleep a priority.

When this column launched in 2004, I had friends tell me fitness didn’t belong in a financial publication. But its success, which has spawned the continuing Anatomy of a Workout column and workout-related Challenges, is proof that readers understand one of the smartest investments they can make is in their health.

Thanks for reading, and keep moving.

+ K.3. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO DRESS YOUR AGE?

Divorcebuoy Jan 2024

What to wear as you age is a highly personal decision, our critic writes, but certain garments still come with associations and assumptions.

I have always dressed fashionably. I still want to, but, as I get older, I don’t want to look silly in an outfit for a 20-year-old. For example: Right now I’m wondering about pants. Everything seems to be really, really wide and ballooning. I like them, but they aren’t the most flattering. What about hemlines? Should they be long or short? Are there rules to dressing as you age?

This is a question I ask myself a lot. After all, just because you canwear something doesn’t mean you should.

A few years ago, when I was watching a fashion show and saw a model in a tuxedo-shorts jumpsuit, I thought: “Aha! A tuxedo-shorts jumpsuit. That will solve a lot of black-tie problems.” Then, almost immediately, I thought: “Who are you kidding? You can’t wear that.”

Physically, the look would have fit me just fine (especially with tights), but psychologically I would have felt as if I were in a very fancy playsuit. And that’s the thing about that issue of “dressing your age.” It isn’t about a list of garments you can or can’t wear. It’s about all the associations and assumptions embedded in those garments.

Strict social or cultural rules about what to wear as you age don’t really exist anymore. The few that do tend to be contextual and institutional and have to do with workplace dress codes. And you don’t have to check a desire to be chic at the door of, say, 50. Just because fashion still insists on showing clothes on bodies under the age of 25 doesn’t mean those clothes aren’t actually meant for women twice that age.

But how you dress is a statement about who you are and how you want to be perceived. And that changes as we grow up — even more, sometimes, than our bodies or dress sizes (though those, of course, change, too).

Personally, I feel like my years have been hard won, and experience is worth wearing. Which means I have said goodbye to clothes I generally associate with my youth: hemlines above my knees (especially attached to skater and rah-rah skirts), tops that show off my belly button, ruffles, slip dresses. Anything, really, that takes me sliding down a wormhole into an era when I was a much less formed person, or one that I lived through once already. That has as much to do with personal associations as it does with actual years.

It’s kind of like the family reunion problem wherein, around siblings and elder relatives, you find yourself falling back into the role you played at age 12. Wearing clothes from an earlier period, even if fashion has decided it’s time for a new generation to discover them, tends to have the same effect. (That actually may be a rule worth considering: If you wore it the first time it was a trend, you may want to avoid it the second time.)

That is why, I think, I find myself gravitating toward long skirts — ones that fall somewhere between midcalf and ankle — and wider trousers, both of which give me a sort of swishy feeling as I walk. Also, three-quarter or long sleeves. And tucking things in. Being more covered feels more practical and more elegant to me, and both of those words (along with the corollary “pulled together”) suggest values I have come to appreciate. Just as kitten heels and mules, largely by dint of their names, do not.

But that’s me. Which is the point!

When I think about women of a certain age whose style I admire, I think of women who look as if they know who they are and are comfortable telegraphing that to the world: Sigourney Weaver, Isabelle Huppert, Michelle Yeoh, Angela Bassett, Lauren Hutton, Michèle Lamy (Rick Owens’s very goth partner-wife-muse). That means making your own decisions about what makes you feel good, wide pants and all. Which is, really, the ultimate grown-up way to dress.

+K.4. VALENTINE’S DAY 2024 (FEB 14, 2024)

Divorcebuoy Feb 2024

Good day to you, this is Buoy ‘talkin’. It has been a while since I have put my thoughts down on these pages, but here ya go.

Valentine’s Day can make you be thankful for having a great partner or maybe a bit lonely because you do not have a loving partner. I may know how you feel? I had dated a woman for 4 years and then we went our separate ways. That was almost 1 year ago. I had dated since then with some success, I’d say, and as my 90 year old friend Joy would say … you are not going to score if you are not in the game.

Now, about one year later than my split, I can also thank Joy for her wisdom when she said … “you will some day thank Ms. xxxx for your independence and for having a better life now than you had with her.” I am now at that point. I have a better life!!

Life goes on if we choose. Please choose to have your life go on 🙂

Buoy

K.5. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ME! WHY SELF GIFTING IS ON THE RISE
Divorcebuoy Feb 2024

More Americans are unattached these days and that is turning out to be a good thing for retailers

This Valentine’s Day, more people are saying “I love you”—to themselves.

Self-gifting is on the rise for Cupid’s holiday as more consumers grow tired of receiving duds from their spouse or significant other, enjoy the empowerment of treating themselves or celebrate the single life. It’s yet another way Feb. 14 is getting a makeover when nearly half the U.S. adult population is unmarried and many say they aren’t looking for a romantic relationship.

The trend is a boon for retailers and could help reverse sagging Valentine’s Day sales. Larger companies such as Target and Etsy to smaller jewelers and lingerie sellers are switching up marketing messages and creating special collections to emphasize self-gifting.

Lena Parsell, an art director in Philadelphia, received a pair of gray wool socks from her husband for Christmas that were so bulky and itchy that they became a magnet for her cat, who bit her toes when she wore them around the house.

“My husband is amazing, but he has trouble figuring out my taste,” Parsell says. “Sometimes he really nails it,” like when he commissioned a portrait of Parsell and their daughter. Other times he falls short, such as when he bought her kitchen towels. “Or he’ll say, ‘I didn’t know what to get you, so just pick out something for yourself.’”

That is what she is doing this Valentine’s Day. She designed a custom ring from jeweler Bario Neal of 18-karat gold with an aquamarine stone, which is her mother’s and daughter’s birthstone. “It’s about love in all different ways,” she says.

Last year, 39% of U.S. consumers said they bought themselves a Valentine’s Day gift, according to a poll of more than 1,000 people by market-research firm Circana.

Marshal Cohen, Circana’s chief industry adviser, says the trend is a carry-over from the Covid years. “People were getting practical gifts during the pandemic like vacuum cleaners, so they started buying romantic things for themselves.”

‘Looking for micro-indulgences’

Retailers are hoping self-gifting will reignite Valentine’s Day. U.S. discretionary general merchandise sales fell 4% in dollars and 6% in units during the two weeks ended Feb. 18, 2023, compared with the same period the prior year, according to Circana.

Cohen says the downturn is part of a broader sales slump for holidays such as Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day as consumers become more careful in their spending.

Target is advertising heart-themed T-shirts and sweatshirts for Valentine’s Day in its circulars, which it says are “fit for the whole fam or just you.” In Etsy’s “gift mode,” shoppers can select “myself” as the recipient and “Valentine’s Day” as the occasion.

Online lingerie seller Adore Me is touting more buy-for-yourself items in its Valentine’s Day line up this year, including a red, lacy push-up bra that carries the tagline on social media, “Forget gifts for others, this is the gift you need for you this Valentine’s Day.”

That self-gifting message has performed better on Facebook and Instagram than others aimed at buying gifts for romantic partners, says Ranjan Roy, Adore Me’s vice president of strategy. These days, “people are looking for micro indulgences—small ways to splurge on themselves.”

Buying ‘for myself makes me feel independent’

Collector’s Cage, which sells previously owned designer handbags online and at two stores in Copenhagen, is running social-media ads with the message, “From You, To You.”

The company is offering a special treat for single shoppers—a mystery gift that includes leather-treatment products emblazoned with the words, “Love yourself…and your bag this Valentine’s Day.” Founder Mathias Moslund says he changed tack after last year’s more traditional Valentine’s Day marketing fell flat.

“All of my girlfriends have boyfriends so I feel left out on Valentine’s Day,” says Anna Rusborg, a 19-year-old student, who lives in Copenhagen and is treating herself to a vintage Louis Vuitton Speedy Bag from Collector’s Cage. “I know I’ll find love someday, but buying a bag for myself makes me feel independent.”

Women aren’t the only targets. Bevel, which makes grooming products for men, offered a discount promotion through Feb. 14 to urge its male customers to buy for themselves. “Treat yourself with goods made just for you,” its website says.

The origins of Valentine’s Day are murky. Some link it to an ancient Roman fertility feast, others to a Christian martyr named St. Valentine.

Elizabeth Nelson, associate professor of history at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, says the holiday probably isn’t related to either. She noted some of the earliest references linking the celebration to lovers appeared in works from 14th-century English author and poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who described “St. Valentine’s day” as a springtime mating ritual among birds. The 17th-century English diarist Samuel Pepys labeled a Feb. 14 entry “Valentine’s day,” and described how he “took Mrs. Martha for my Valentine,” a woman who wasn’t his wife.

The celebration grew more widespread in the mid-1800s when paper production became more affordable. By the time Hallmark began selling Valentine’s Day postcards in 1910 it was already a huge commercial holiday, Nelson says.

‘Doing more solo dating’

Lately, Valentine’s Day is being reinterpreted to reflect the growing number of singles. According to the Census Bureau, 49.2% of U.S. adults were unmarried in 2023, compared with 41.9% in 1993.

The Pew Research Center found 56% of single Americans in a 2022 study said they weren’t looking for a relationship or casual dates. That was up from 50% in 2019.

Nearly a third of Valentine’s Day diners last year were solo or in groups of three or more, according to OpenTable, an online restaurant reservation service. And “Galentine” celebrations that fête female friendships are now widespread.

“I’ve been doing more solo dating,” says Amanda Hernandez, a 29-year-old nurse who lives in Passaic Park, N.J., and threw a Galentine party this year. “I like going to museums, bars and other events on my own instead of waiting for friends or a romantic partner to be available.”

De Beers encouraged women to purchase jewelry for themselves more than two decades ago, when the diamond mining and jewelry consortium introduced its “right hand ring” collection. The phenomenon has since gained steam.

Heather Ingraham, a diamond and bridal buyer for The 1916 Company, which sells watches and jewelry online and in 20 locations worldwide, says self-purchases made by women have more than doubled over the past five years.

“It used to be a couple or just the husband would come in and make the purchase,” says Ingraham, a 43-year-old from Denver. “Now, more women are coming into stores by themselves or with a friend.”

Alina Wilson bought herself a bracelet and earrings several years ago when she was going through a difficult time at work. “Any time I was nervous, I would look at the bracelet and it would help me stay grounded,” recalls the 52-year-old owner of a medical spa and wellness center in Lake Oswego, Ore.

For Valentine’s Day, Wilson is treating herself to a diamond tennis bracelet. “I’m not going to turn down a gift from my partner,” she says. “But buying for myself makes me feel great. You can’t love another person unless you love yourself.”